frank lampard – The Jeff Kenna League

Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball — Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013 — Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	3
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	41	2
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	3
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	35	2
6	Headless Chickens	John N	35	2
7	Piedmonte	Phil	31	2
8	Woking	Mike	31	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
10	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	25	1
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	0
12	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
13	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	0
14	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	3
15	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	1
16	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	1
20	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
		Club	Newington Reds

Kenna season two: Enter Ronaldo

Rooney sent off 2006 — The day English World Cup delusion died

FOR MANY Englishmen the Germany 2006 World Cup was a rude awakening.

In the build up to the tournament expectancy filled the air, and the airwaves. Everyone was telling us that this was England’s chance. The Golden Generation.

“Look at our players. Just look! They’re all playing for top clubs reaching the latter stages of the Champions League.”

“They’ve knighted Geoff Hurst! This must be an omen, because he beat the Germans in an era we can’t remember and from which we’ve never watched a full game, just the same clips over and over again.”

“All the World Cup winners since 1966 form a mathematical sequence that is completed only if England win in Germany. I’m not saying it’s in the bag, but by thunder it’s our best chance for years!”

Such were the sentiments fanning the flames of hope.

As with any tournament it all ended with tears for the English, and that was the moment most Kenna managers should have realised that no matter how many ‘years of hurt’ they’d undergone mediocrity should just be accepted.

Looking back now, the 90s – two semi-final finishes and a roller coaster of a game against Argentina in Massif Central – were the pinnacle of England’s international endeavour since lifting the Jules Rimet, but as managers assembled in the One Tun near Goodge Street tube station for the 2006-07 season’s auction in early August, the memory of that Madeirense eyelid movement on a field in the Ruhr still cut deep.

Most expensive summer signings

1	T Henry	£36.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
2	A Shevchenko	£35.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
3	W Rooney	£34m	Fat Ladies
4	S Gerrard	£29m	Thieving Magpies
5	J Terry	£28.5m	Fat Ladies

The auction became a morality play. Footballers were merited on their performance in Germany rather than their week-in, week-out trade at club level.

Widely vilified for failing to find the net in the World Cup, Frank Lampard went for a paltry £18m to Thieving Magpies despite being one of the domestic game’s top performers the season previous.

On his Kenna debut the FC Gun Show manager, noted for his pragmatism, loose morals and Hackett socks, cleaned up.

As he bought diving Drogba for £5m, Berbatov for £18m and the anti-christ himself Cristiano Ronaldo for £22m, the rest of the league guffawed at the folly.

Story of the season – (see the Rub for the season)

Manager of the Month 2006-07 — Green: Manager of the Month, Red: Turkey of the Month

The Portuguese went on to enjoy a three-season reign of majestic dominance in the Kenna, and helped FC Gun Show become the second ever manager to win the league.

His three star players aside, only one other of the FC Gun Show manager’s original eleven chalked up over 100 points – Stewart Downing.

Thieving Magpies came second, although at the time their inability to do better was touted as further evidence that Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard can’t ‘dovetail’ in midfield.

Defending champions Vasco De Beauvoir could only muster third place, but were consoled by winning the inaugural Canesten Combi Cup competition, beating 120 Checkout in the final by 34 points to 19.

The Kenna’s first ever female manager bumped right into the glass ceiling. Building a team around Ricardo Vaz Te was held at fault, rather than gender issues.

Every manager learnt two important lessons that August night in Fitzrovia: no one wins the Kenna buying players they like and the One Tun is not a good auction venue.

They also discovered that the Kidderminster Harriers squad possessed more Premier League winners medals (one) than the Liverpool squad. And so the Stuart Watkiss League was renamed to become the Jeff Kenna.

Final league table

Kenna League - final standings 2006-07 — Kenna League – final standings 2006-07

Highest scorers

1	C Ronaldo	247	£22m	FC Gun Show
2	W Rooney	236	£34m	Fat Ladies
3	F Lampard	215	£18m	Thieving Magpies
4	D Berbatov	211	£18m	FC Gun Show
5	D Drogba	199	£5m	FC Gun Show

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Johnson, G	LIV	£8m
Coloccini, F	NEW	£10m
Rafael	MUN	£2m
Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£16m
Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m
Lambert, R	SOT	£13m
	Total	£95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m	Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Dyer, N	SWA	£10m	Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£16m	Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Green, R	QPR	£0.5m	Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	WHM	£3m	Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m
van der Vaart, R	HAM	£17m	Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m

PSV Mornington (second window)

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D	MUN	£16m
Ferdinand, A	QPR	£7m
Cuellar, C	AVL	£2m
Brown, W	SUN	£6m
Alcaraz, A	WIG	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£28m
Murphy, D	FUL	£12m
Ben Arfa, H	NEW	£0.5m
Song, A	ARS	£3m
Defoe, J	TOT	£12m
Carroll, A	LIV	£6m
		£93m