A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.
The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.
“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.
Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.
Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”
Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.
Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.
The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.
“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”
Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.
Cup results
Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2 RVP
FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar Lukaku, Benteke x3
*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 50 | 4 |
| 2 | Just put Carles | Carles | 43 | 2 |
| 3 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 37 | 4 |
| 4 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 32 | 2 |
| 5 | Piedmonte | Phil | 28 | 1 |
| 6 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 26 | 2 |
| 7 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 25 | 0 |
| 8 | Woking | Mike | 25 | 0 |
| 9 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 23 | 1 |
| 10 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 23 | 0 |
| 11 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 22 | 2 |
| 12 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 20 | 1 |
| 13 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 20 | 1 |
| 14 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 19 | 1 |
| 15 | Headless Chickens | John N | 19 | 0 |
| 16 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 19 | 0 |
| 17 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 13 | 0 |
| 18 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 13 | 0 |
| 19 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 8 | 0 |
| 20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 7 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 17 | Benteke, C – AVL – STR | ||
| Club | Spartak Mogadishu |
