NOT MANY can endure the constant pressure of top level football management for long, and the Kenna League is no exception.
For every Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Vasco De Beauvoir manager there are countless others who have passed on from the game to other arenas in which their skills are more suited.
One such example is the former Dan Terry Seduction manager, who readers of these pages will last recall steering the club to relegation in 2012 after a disastrous campaign in which he failed to woo players, the board or even a young journalist.
But whereas reports of his failed effort to slip a roofy to a girl from the local newspaper stretched credulity, the former DTS manager’s present crusade of villainy at a pay-and-play golf club in middle England is more than plausible.
“All the members act like it’s some exclusive club but they miss one point: they’re all sh1t at golf,” he explained during a round with the Kenna chairman on Monday, confirming common knowledge that most amateur golf club members’ enthusiasm for dress code and etiquette far outweigh their prowess on the course.
Retiring from the Kenna last summer, the former DTS boss relocated to Worcestershire to immediately begin his full-time campaign of terror midway through a competitive round.
With one parent on the committee and the other a popular member, particularly in the bar, the ex-Kenna man managed to wipe out his own respectability in one swoop by driving the ball over the heads of the group in front. A fourball that included the club pro.
As the angry scratch golfer marched 250 yards back up the fairway to deliver a furious, expletive-filled tirade, the former DTS boss heeded advice and kept his counsel. But far from being chastened by the experience, the out-of-work manager responded the only way he knew how: by taking the incident as an invitation to start leaving his car in the club pro’s reserved parking space.
“As part of my membership I get a free hour lesson with the club pro, but neither of us wants me to take that one up!” joked the former DTS manager as he produced a scrunched up voucher for a free 18-hole round.
His notoriety secured, the former Seduction boss turned his singular charm to that most sacred of clubhouse property – the notice board.
Eager to get some more competitions under his belt, weather permitting, he signed up for a contest on one condition. An asterix next to his scribbled name directed administrators to the bottom of the sheet to find: ‘*unless it’s snowing in which case I’ll stay in bed’.
Accosted by a senior lady member laster the day, the fairweather golfer was told that under no circumstances was he to deface club property in such a fashion. To the cheeky wag this was yet another chink in their armour.
Fans of 90s Canadian comedy TV show The Kids in the Hall will remember a sketch in which a balaclava-clad athlete with a catchy alias promises only to reveal his true identity once he climbs, ultimately unsuccessfully, to the top of a leisure centre squash ladder.
Taking inspiration from the show, but betrayed by his membership number, the former DTS boss received a curt phone call from a club apparatchik the day after signing up for the next competition and informed that it was not considered club etiquette to call himself ‘The Eradicator’.
So what’s next for the ex-Kenna man?
“I’ve thrown a couple of rounds with the old man to get my handicap up, so in the next Stableford contest I’ll romp home with 70 points. Who cares? It’s not exactly the Belfry,” he said.
Last 16 cup results (aggregate)
Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Still Don’t Know Yet 3 – 1 Piedmonte
PSV Mornington 0 – 2 Just Put Carles
Woking 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Hairy Fadjeetas 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Dynamo Charlton 1 – 1 Pikey Scum (Dynamo go through on most points scored in second leg)
FC Testiculadew 2 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 35 | 3 |
| 2 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 35 | 2 |
| 3 | Piedmonte | Phil | 34 | 2 |
| 4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 33 | 1 |
| 5 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 32 | 1 |
| 6 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 29 | 2 |
| 7 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 28 | 0 |
| 8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 26 | 2 |
| 9 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 26 | 1 |
| 10 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 24 | 1 |
| 11 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 23 | 1 |
| 12 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 22 | 2 |
| 13 | Woking | Mike | 22 | 1 |
| 14 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 21 | 2 |
| 15 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 17 | 0 |
| 16 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 16 | 0 |
| 17 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 14 | 0 |
| 18 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 13 | 0 |
| 19 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 9 | 0 |
| 20 | Headless Chickens | John N | 9 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 14 | Figueroa, M – WIG – DEF | ||
| Club | Sporting Lesbian |
