headless chickens – The Jeff Kenna League

Attack, Midfield, Defence: winners and losers

Anders Breivik — Attack: The Still Don’t Know Yet front pair came top in a straight comparison (photo courtesy of Pan African News Wire)

THE KENNA League is jumping on the pundit bandwagon about the Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny partnership being the basis of Arsenal’s realised European ambition.

The four best defences in the Kenna this season helped their team to a top-half finish. Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique shared a tremendous season at Judean Peoples’ Front to crown the team best at the back.

In midfield, the Just Put Carles manager’s decision to stick with his starting four of Arteta, Silva, Osman and Henderson – more likely through not turning up to transfer windows than anything else – paid dividends.

Despite winning the league on Sunday with the most goals scored of any side, Sporting Lesbian fell short in defence and midfield for which the front pair of Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero more than atoned. Only Robin van Persie and Arouna Kone at Still Don’t Know Yet did better.

The Sporting manager’s celebratory tweet today suggests a William Hill account has taken a bit of beating over the last few months.

@jeffkennaleague Delighted with the season, the prize money just about covers all the dodgy bets I’ve made this season..

— Ben Marcangelo (@BenMarcangelo) May 22, 2013

Defence (final league position)

1	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	543
2	Piedmonte (4)	466
3	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	463
4	Just Put Carles (5)	420
5	Pikey Scum (15)	415
6	Newington Reds (11)	409
7	Sporting Lesbian (1)	400
8	Bala Rinas (13)	392
9	FC Testiculadew (2)	386
10	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	383
11	Greendale Rockets (17)	382
12	Headless Chickens (16)	372
13	PSV Mornington (10)	368
14	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	356
15	Northern Monkeys (12)	355
16	Woking (20)	346
17	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	343
18	Dynamo Charlton (6)	337
19	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	266
20	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	207

Midfield (final league position)

1	Just Put Carles (5)	474
2	Dynamo Charlton (6)	456
3	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	440
4	Headless Chickens (16)	399
5	FC Testiculadew (2)	395
6	Northern Monkeys (12)	393
7	PSV Mornington (10)	376
8	Sporting Lesbian (1)	375
9	Piedmonte (4)	362
10	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	336
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	334
12	Pikey Scum (15)	332
13	Newington Reds (11)	331
14	Greendale Rockets (17)	318
15	Bala Rinas (13)	305
16	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	296
17	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	295
18	Woking (20)	283
19	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	268
20	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	243

Attack (final league position)

1	Still Don’t Know Yet (14)	397
2	Sporting Lesbian (1)	378
3	FC Testiculadew (2)	297
4	Lokomotiv Leeds (7)	278
5	Dynamo Charlton (6)	278
6	PSV Mornington (10)	264
7	Newington Reds (11)	258
8	Northern Monkeys (12)	256
9	Spartak Mogadishu (8)	254
10	Judean Peoples’ Front (3)	251
11	Piedmonte (4)	251
12	Vasco De Beauvoir (18)	236
13	Hairy Fadjeetas (9)	218
14	Greendale Rockets (17)	209
15	Pikey Scum (15)	198
16	Bala Rinas (13)	197
17	Just Put Carles (5)	184
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers (19)	169
19	Woking (20)	163
20	Headless Chickens (16)	152

No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime — Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013 — Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	39	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	34	1
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	31	1
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	2
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
7	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
9	Woking	Mike	23	0
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	20	0
13	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	20	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	17	1
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	10	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Unsigned

Nothing to celebrate

Party popper — Step away from the party the popper: Celebrating goals is so 2012

A GARETH BALE goal was not enough to keep Bala Rinas from being dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Four hapless group game defeats left the side without a point, and with his team also struggling in the league the manager, yet to win a trophy in six years in Kenna, is under increasing pressure.

“People are saying that I’ve got no silverware, I can’t bring success to the club and I’ll never know the difference between riding the normal team coach and riding an open-top bus, but of course I knows the difference – one’s got a fcuking roof and one fcuking ‘asn’t,” sing songed the Welshman.

Bala Rinas weren’t the only ones not celebrating this week. Footballers are fashionable creatures, and a new craze has swept through the Kenna: not celebrating goals.

Cup results - 8 January 2013 — Cup results – 8 January 2013

In Group D, Daniel Sturridge found the net to help Just Put Carles to their first cup win and a chance at the next round, but ‘out of respect’ the England striker did not cheer after scoring against his former club Lokomotiv Leeds.

Emmanuel Adebayor scored against Pikey Scum to give Newington Reds a vital lifeline in Group C, but the Togolese had moved to Reds from Scum in the October transfer window and refused to acknowledge the notch, even though he continues to don leisurewear from another former club.

In the other Group C match there were remarkable scenes at FC Testiculadew’s ground, the Death Star, where no players celebrated any of the eight goals in Sporting Lesbian’s 7-1 destruction of the hosts.

Hairy Fadjeetas, on the end of five-goal thrashing by Headless Chickens, were the only side to have the decency to avoid any awkward embarrassment by not scoring any goals at all.

The final cup game will be played on 29 January, where the top four from each group will go through to the last 16 knockout draw.

Teams below in yellow have already qualified, teams in red are out.

Group A - 8 January 2013 — Group A – 8 January 2013

Group B - 8 January 2013 — Group B – 8 January 2013

Group C - 8 January 2013 — Group C – 8 January 2013

Group D - 8 January 2013 — Group D – 8 January 2013

League table

Week 19 - 8 January 2013 — Week 19 – 8 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	66	7
2	Just put Carles	Carles	54	4
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	51	4
5	Headless Chickens	John N	50	5
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	49	3
7	Piedmonte	Phil	48	2
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	46	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	45	3
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	42	1
11	Woking	Mike	40	3
12	FC Testicluadew	James N	40	1
13	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	38	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	37	3
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	1
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	1
18	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	1
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

A Christmas Carroll

A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.

“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.

The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.

“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”

“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.

“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”

The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.

“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.

“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.

“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.

After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”

The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.

“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”

The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.

“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.

“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”

The striker grinned: “Andy did a hole!”

League table

Week 17 - 25 December 2012 — Week 17 – 25 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	41	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	2
6	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	3
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	28	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
10	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	25	2
11	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	14	1
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	14	0
19	Woking	Mike	12	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	Gerrard, S – LIV – MID
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 15 May 2012

Thrush ‘n’ roulette

Roulette wheel — Everything on red: Chickens are banking on former Spartak Moscow centre forward Pogrebnyak

PAVEL Pogrebnyak is tipped to be the key man when the wheel spins in Sunday’s Cannestan Combi Cup showdown.

The Headless Chickens scalp hunter has led a mid-season renaissance at the club, who must go into Sunday’s game as underdogs against the omnipotent, title-winning form of FC Testiculadew.

Lamplighters through the knock-out stages of the tournament, there’ll be no love lost between sibling rivals the FCT and Chickens managers.

The Chickens boss will hope goalscoring occasionals Steve Morison, Robert Huth and Theo Walcott will also hit a gold stream in what promises to be a ding-dong tie.

With Edin Dzeko less smiley over the last few months, the FCT manager will look to stalwarts Wayne Rooney, Juan Mata and incredible import from the American cousins Clint Dempsey to make it the double.

Load-blowing semis

Tissues — No one envied the Camp Nou commentary box cleaners that night

TWO semi final second legs enthralled Europe with nail-biting drama this week as the Cannestan Combi Cup reached towards climax.

As Gary Neville struggled to explain the mess in the press section, FC Testiculadew celebrated progression to the mother of all sibling rivalries in the May final.

Oppenents PSV Mornington offered little resistance, the gaffer’s advocation of ‘The Barcelona Way’ nullified by signings Andy Carroll and Jermaine Defoe. A mid-table finish awaits.

FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.

“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.

Cup semi final second leg results

FC Testiculadew 40 (94) – ~~26 (62) PSV Mornington~~

Headless Chickens 36 (64) – ~~12 (48) Hairy Fadjeetas~~

The final will be held between FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens on Sunday 13 May.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Snog Marry Avoid

Mary Poppins — Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air

ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.

Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.

The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.

“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.

Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.

“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.

This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.

In what’s being dubbed the Pussy Chicken derby, Hairy Fadjeetas take on Headless Chickens.

FCT play PSV Mornington in the other game. No witty derby name for that one.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Christianity — Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.