Kneecaps for goalposts

Truncheon — Kenna Law: Collins is set to overcome injury to feature for Just Put Carles

DEFENDER JAMES Collins, who went missing hours before kick off on Saturday, has been found in the Just Put Carles starting XI.

The Welshman has not been seen since a vanload of Kenna hatchet men with Estuary accents kidnapped him from the Still Don’t Know Yet team hotel before dawn on Saturday morning.

Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.

JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.

This week’s highlights

Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
£12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
£9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
£6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
£2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.

Kenna table – week 1

			This season
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	46	2
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	39	2
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	37	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	37	1
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
6	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
7	Piedmonte	Phil	27	4
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	1
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	19	0
15	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
16	Woking	Mike	14	0
17	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
18	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	12	0

Week’s scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	46	2
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	39	2
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	37	3
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	37	1
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
6	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	0
7	Piedmonte	Phil	27	4
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	1
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	19	0
15	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
16	Woking	Mike	14	0
17	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1
18	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	12	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Petric, M – FUL – STR
		Club	Unsigned

Wandsworth Window Lickers

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

Outlook: Not even 221B could say why the Wandsworth boss introduced and bought Jamie Carragher at last week’s auction, but with the exception of that mystery and Josh McEachran’s announcement he’s going on loan to Boro, the opening week of the season is treating the manager well with goals from Nasri and Odemwingie and clean sheets from O’Shea and Szczesny.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Szczesny, W	ARS	£19m
Clyne, N	SOT	£6m
Assou-Ekotto, B	TOT	£7m
O’Shea, J	SUN	£5.5m
Ben Haim, T	QPR	£10m
Fellaini, M	EVE	£9m
Young, A	MUN	£15m
Assaidi, O	LIV	£0.5m
Nasri, S	MCY	£15m
Odemwingie, P	WBA	£6m
Gouffran, Y	NEW	£5m
	Total	£98m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Herd, C	AVL	£0.5m	Ben Haim, T	QPR	£10m
Obertan, G (B)	NEW	£0.5m	Assaidi, O	LIV	£0.5m
Zamora, B	QPR	£2m	Gouffran, Y	NEW	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Carragher, J	LIV	£0.5m	Herd, C	AVL	£0.5m
McEachran, J (B)	CHE	£9m	Obertan, G (B)	NEW	£0.5m

Missing Cameroon keeper named in forfeit squad

African football pitch — Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad

THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.

Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.

However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.

“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.

The hunt for the most mediocre players in the Premier League started a month ago and has claimed 16 footballers, including some names from big clubs.

“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.

Titus Bramble squad

Goalkeeper

Drusille Ngako (free agent)

Defenders

Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)

Midfielders

Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)

Strikers

Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal)
Bebe (Man U)
Apostolos Vellios (Everton)
Callum McManaman (Wigan)
Leroy Lita (Swansea)

Kenna table – week 1

This season

Manager

Points

Goals