knockout stages – The Jeff Kenna League

Shower of expectation

Shower scene — Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013 — Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	56	4
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	3
3	Piedmonte	Phil	44	2
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	42	1
5	Just put Carles	Carles	40	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	39	0
7	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	38	1
8	PSV Mornington	El Pons	37	3
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	37	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	33	2
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	1
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	1
20	Woking	Mike	16	0

Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye

Bottom — Mired bottom: Polonia are in crisis

Mario Balotelli finding the net was the only glimmer of hope in another sorry week for crisis-club Polonia Forsyth.

Despite the manager’s startling battle cry a few weeks ago, the club have occupied last place since January.

“I’m fair plucked from telling the lads to ‘keep the heid or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug’, but they nae respond,” said the Polonia Forsyth boss.

The side also failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup which gets underway today.

The Bala Rinas manager, who also didn’t qualify, will be particularly happy he’s no longer staking his season on cup success. Laurent Koscielny has just scored an own goal.

Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final — Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

Cannestan Combinations

Groups after four rounds — Only five teams know their cup destiny

Two teams qualified to the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup with a game to spare.

Dynamo Charlton and Headless Chickens progressed from their respective groups this week after winning all three of their opening fixtures.

Just Put Carles, Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu have all been eliminated. The latter two without scoring a single group-stage point.

The last group game results will be published in a fortnight. Here are the permutations:

Group A

Vasco De Beauvoir rely on the small miracle of beating Hairy Fadjeetas by 15 points and hoping Lokomotiv Leeds lose to a strongly-placed Young Boys of Kilburn.

Group B

Bala Rinas or Polonia Forsyth can go through, but only if one of them wins by a country mile and Newington Reds lose by one to Headless Chickens.

Group C

Having played all their games, Superfuzz will be hoping PSV Mornington lose to Dynamo Charlton. The Dan Terry Seduction need to slay Spartak Mogadishu to have any chance.

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front need a Herculean effort against Lurliners and in-form FC Testiculadew to be taken to task by Pikey Scum.

Rules clarification

If two teams finish the group stage on equal cup points and points difference, then whoever won the game between those two teams will go through. If that game was a draw, then the team with the most points ‘For’ will be deemed to be ahead.

If two teams finish with the same cup points, points difference, ‘For’ points and they drew their fixture, a tie break at the transfer night will decide the winner.

How fast can you neck a pint?