kyle walker – The Jeff Kenna League

Just Put Carles

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Outlook: Retained the majestic services of David Silva for £10m than last season, but the manager only bought four more players at auction before leaving faster than an Alex Santos commute once he discovered his choice of wardrobe would mean buying the committee a round. Filled by Kenna HQ using the accepted procedure, the team now contains former Still Don’t Know Yet defender James Collins.

No Brambles

Schwarzer, M	FUL	£0.5m
Walker, K	TOT	£12m
Olsson, J	WBA	£0.5m
Collins, J	WHM	£0.5m
Rangel, A	SWA	£8m
Arteta, M	ARS	£16m
Silva, D	MCY	£32m
Osman, L	EVE	£0.5m
Henderson, J	LIV	£0.5m
Le Fondre, A	REA	£15m
Maloney, S	WIG	£1.5m
	Total	£87m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Alcaraz, A	WIG	£0.5m	Rangel, A	SWA	£8m
Welbeck, D	MUN	£7m	Le Fondre, A	REA	£15m
Sturridge, D	LIV	£20m	Maloney, S	WIG	£1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

No changes

Gone in 60 seconds

Empty buffet — Blink and it’s over: Last night’s buffet does an excellent impression of the JPC boss

POLICE have stepped up their search for the Just Put Carles manager who went missing during last night’s auction.

Discovered to be wearing an official London 2012 T-shirt, and hence being liable to buy the committee a round of drinks, the JPC boss was last seen receding faster than Usain Bolt’s hairline.

The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.

Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.

It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.

“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.

There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.

“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Teams will be published here over the coming week.

Spurs 1 – 1 Bolton (match abandoned)

White Hart Lane (abandoned) — Shortly after this Fabrice Muamba collapsed to the left of the centre circle

WHITE Hart Lane was plunged into an atmosphere of eerie concern after Fabrice Muamba suffered a cardiac arrest on the pitch.

The Lurliners midfielder collapsed in the latter stages of the first half.

A team of medics visibly performed chest compressions for around 10 minutes before Muamba was stretchered off.

He is currently in a stable condition in London Chest Hospital.

Over 20 per cent of people suffering a cardiac arrest outside of hospital in the capital survive, according to the London Ambulance Service.

The immediate treatment the 23-year-old midfielder received, as well as early access to a defibrillator, should give him the best chances of survival.

Up to then the match had all the chip and charge of an FA Cup tie.

Bolton took the lead in opening minutes through unsigned Darren Pratley.

Just Put Carles defender Kyle Walker responded with a sumptious hanging header at the back post, delivered from Spartak Mogadishu winger Gareth Bale’s cross.

Kenna HQ have called an extraordinary meeting with the FA to decide whether points from this match will count.

The Chairman said: “We wish Fabrice all the best.”

Another day in paradise

Points: Steven Gerrard began to warrant his £26.5m price tag

Steven Gerrard emerged as player of the week in a competition that, remarkably, wasn’t a bar brawl.

The Just Put Carles midfielder picked up four assists as the opposition imploded, scoring just as many own goals.

For a side boasting David Silva and Kyle Walker, JPC are having an indifferent season.

“A top-four finish would be a trophy for us,” said a resigned JPC boss, as David Haye burst into the press conference and put on some Phil Collins.

Superfuzz made the best fist of a quiet week.

Striker Luis Suarez missed a penalty, but netted and provided to help them into the top four.

“Top four, bottom four: who cares? We just want to beat Pikey Scum,” said the Fuzz manager.

Just Put Carles (second window)

Just Put Carles made no transfers in the first or second window

Manager: Mr Carles Duz (CAT)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona, Fulham

Cech, P	CHE	£20m
Wilson, M	STO	£0.5m
Ward, S	WLV	£0.5m
Robinson, P	BOL	£0.5m
Walker, K	TOT	£0.5m
Gerrard, S	LIV	£26.5m
Silva, D	MCY	£22m
Coleman, S	EVE	£2.5m
Anderson	MUN	£0.5m
Zamora, B	QPR	£15.5m
Chamakh, M	ARS	£1.5m
		£90.5m