London pub – The Jeff Kenna League

Kenna archives reveal secret to success

Roy Castle — Record breakers: In its eight-year history the Kenna has never had a single ginger manager (photo courtesy of D*J*P)

WINNING Kenna teams score 33 points a week and losing ones 22 points, according to league records published today.

Archives show that in the eight football seasons since the Kenna League was founded each player in the winning team picked up three points a week on average – 111 points a season.

Stats also show FC Testiculadew’s ‘Kenna in the bag‘ championship in 2011/12 was the league’s most dominant.

FCT romped home a record 129 points ahead of the pack, were the highest scoring team ever and clocked up the best ever Manager of the Month performance: 251 points in January 2012.

Vasco De Beauvoir hold the golden boot record with 80 goals scored during their double-winning campaign of 2009/10.

Enjoying considerably less renown are the Fat Ladies, who two seasons after winning their 2007/08 Kenna crown pulled out the worst league performance in history, finishing 205 points adrift.

In the same year, Dynamo Temple ended the defence of their Kenna championship by picking up just four dismal points in May’s Manager of the Month contest.

Kenna managers will hope to be breaking these records when they assemble in a London pub to attend the annual auction next month ahead of the English football season.

The Kenna chairman, who last week was confirmed as the most decorated manager in the league’s history, said: “Perhaps the greatest honour should be reserved for the Judean Peoples’ Front manager. He produced what is officially the most mediocre campaign ever, finishing within a point of the average score.”

The name’s Bonda…

A quick thought for former Kenna player Pascal Chimbonda, who today joined Evo-stik League outfit Market Drayton.

The chairman and other sundry Kenna managers spent many an underage Saturday enjoying the pubs and ‘club’ of the Shropshire town.

Chimbonda first appeared in the Kenna in 2006/07 season, picking up 66 points for the Fat Ladies as they reached fourth place.

In the next campaign the French defender was signed by the Barking Hackney manager, but released in October after only scoring nine points.

Chimbonda was last seen in the Kenna scoring 42 points for the Pep Guardiola XI as they finished lower mid-table in 2009/10.

All-time records

2005/06 – season review

2005-06 table — 2005/06 Jeff Kenna League table – final standings

2006/07 – season review

2006-07 table — 2006/07 Jeff Kenna League table – final standings

2007/08

2008/09

2009/10

2010/11

2011/12

2012/13

Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction night – in pictures

IN MAY this year 14 intrepid souls gathered in a south London pub ahead of Euro 2012 to take part in a fantasy football auction.

With a budget of £100m, each manager had to buy 11 internationals who they thought would perform the best over three weeks in Poland and Ukraine.

The manager of the team with the most points at the end would claim the prestigious Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup, collecting a cash prize and the coveted, replica, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Over four hours, exclusively broadcast live on Twitter, participants had to pick their team in a 4-4-2 formation which could not contain more than one player from each country.

Failure to adhere to these rules would lead to the dreaded Titus Bramble ruling – the illegal player is removed and replaced with a forfeit player.

Managers had to overcome the added challenge of British round culture. The Albert Arms enjoyed a brisk trade.

The auction became the most controversial in eight years with one manager threatening to resign half way through the evening and another found to be engaged in the heinous act of ‘tactical Brambling’ – deliberately buying an illegal player to give himself a financial advantage late on in proceedings.

The Eurosceptics manager went on to win the tournament after a thrilling final night in Kiev.

Ahead of the English Premier League season, beginning next month, managers will convene to take part in the traditional Kenna auction at another London pub.

The auction is due to be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

All photos were kindly taken by World of Tim 2.

Search for official Euros auction pub announced

The official Kenna gavel — Hammered: The perfect auction venue must have a bar

Media release

16 March 2012

‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.

Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.

“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.

“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”

The criteria

Central London pub
Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
Wi-fi available
Ready access to food and drinks
The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.

Please send suggestions to [email protected] or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub

The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.

“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”

The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:

Kenna commitee members (x3)
Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
Founding Kenna members
Other former Kenna managers
Ruud Gullit