METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.
The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.
Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.
“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.
There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.
“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.
The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.
Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”
City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.
In the league this week, Young Boys climbed out of the relegation zone for the first time in 10 weeks.
The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 48 | 1 |
| 2 | Young Boys | Denney | 42 | 3 |
| 3 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 39 | 3 |
| 4 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 38 | 1 |
| 5 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 38 | 0 |
| 6 | Piedmonte | Phil | 37 | 2 |
| 7 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 36 | 3 |
| 8 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 36 | 1 |
| 9 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 32 | 2 |
| 10 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 28 | 1 |
| 11 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 28 | 0 |
| 12 | Headless Chickens | John N | 26 | 2 |
| 13 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 26 | 0 |
| 14 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 24 | 0 |
| 15 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 24 | 0 |
| 16 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 22 | 1 |
| 17 | KS West Green | Stix | 22 | 1 |
| 18 | Just put Carles | Carles | 21 | 0 |
| 19 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 21 | 0 |
| 20 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 20 | 0 |
| 21 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 19 | 0 |
| 22 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 18 | 0 |
| 23 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 8 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Sturridge, D – LIV – STR | ||
| Club | Pikey Scum |
