HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.
The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.
Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.
“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.
Luxury league
A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.
Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.
Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.
Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.
Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.
Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.
Northern Monkeys, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.
- Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
- Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
- Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
- Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
- Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
- PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
- Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
- Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
- Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
- FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
- Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
- Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
- Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
- Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
- Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
- Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
- Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 46 | 2 |
| 2 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 30 | 2 |
| 3 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 28 | 2 |
| 4 | Just put Carles | Carles | 26 | 0 |
| 5 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 25 | 0 |
| 6 | Woking | Mike | 24 | 2 |
| 7 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 24 | 0 |
| 8 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 21 | 0 |
| 9 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 20 | 1 |
| 10 | Headless Chickens | John N | 19 | 1 |
| 11 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 19 | 0 |
| 12 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 19 | 0 |
| 13 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 18 | 0 |
| 14 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 17 | 2 |
| 15 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 17 | 0 |
| 16 | Piedmonte | Phil | 16 | 0 |
| 17 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 16 | 0 |
| 18 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 14 | 0 |
| 19 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 13 | 1 |
| 20 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 2 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 15 | Gervinho – ARS – STR | ||
| Club | Greendale Rockets |
