pikey – The Jeff Kenna League

Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Huth, R	STO	£5m
Cahill, G	CHE	£7.5m
Boyce, E	WIG	£0.5m
Allen, J	LIV	£10m
Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Granero, E	APR	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£4m
Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m
Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m
	Total	£99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m	Allen, J	LIV	£10m
El Ahmadi, K	AVL	£3m	Granero, E	QPR	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	REA	£8.5m	Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
de Gea, D	MUN	£19m	Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Sagna, B	ARS	£11m	Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Bale, G	TOT	£30m	De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m
Downing, S	LIV	£8m	Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m	Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m

Release Bryan!

Life of Brian — Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

Buys and lows

Monte Carlo Casino — Monte Carlo or bust: Headless Chickens bought Pavel Pogrebnyak for £14m

Despite the lack of seating there was no standing on ceremony at Friday’s auction.

Once the bidding was underway 30 players were sold in record time.

The high stakes of the Kenna aside early, managers were left to indulge in the comparatively risk-averse diversion of Leicester Square’s Empire Casino.

“An excellent turnout and a very professional operation indeed. Thank you to managers for making it such a memorable evening,” said the Chairman, trying to piece together events the next day from a wad of crumpled receipts in his wallet.

As is always the case after a transfer window, some new signings have jumped at the opportunity of a fresh start to take the game by the throat, while others…

Smash and grab raid of the window has to go to the Spartak Mogadishu boss, who picked up Papiss Demba Rodney Cisse for £500k.

“Yarrr! He be a fine vassal,” said the Spartak gaffer in a feudal moment.

Full teams and this week’s points will be available later in the week.

Most expensive buys

£15m	Ox-Chamberlain, A	Young Boys
£15m	Pogrebnyak, P	Headless Chickens
£14m	Sagna, B	Lokomotiv Leeds
£13m	Cisse, D	Pikey Scum
£12m	Pienaar, S	Bala Rinas
£12m	Pennant, J	Thieving Magpies
£11m	Morison, S	Headless Chickens
	Graham, D	Spartak Mogadishu
	Cahill, T	Newington Reds
£10m	The Yak	Bala Rinas

Window smashes records

More Kenna records were left as smashed as the managers last night as the transfer window attracted 14 bidders.

In a pressure-cooker atmosphere behind some thick curtains in the upstairs of a Piccadilly pub, 13 managers packed in for business.

The Thieving Magpies manager offered some applied phone bidding. Kevin Doyle and Gabriel Obertan were his reward.

Colonel Gaddafi and Vincent Tabak sadly couldn’t make it.

League leaders FC Testiculadew (pronounced ‘Test-ick-you-lah-joo’, didn’t you know?) picked up in form attacker Juan Mata for £31m, much to the concern of those present.

Emmanuel Adebayor attracted the biggest price tag as the Pikey Scum boss recovered from his night inside to stump up £43m.

“An excellent evening and well attended,” said the Chairman. “Managers should remember that their new players will only start to score points from next weekend.

“Those not present who needed players can be assured there was an open and transparent process to fill the gaps in their teams.”

Full details, and the results of the Cannestan Combi Cup draw, will be published soon.

Top five most expensive window signings

Emmanuel Adebayor – £43m (Pikey Scum)
Juan Mata – £31m (FC Testiculadew)
Gabby Agbonlahor – £22m (Bala Rinas)
Phil Jones – £22m (Newington Reds)
Leon Best – £16m (Headless Chickens)

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

Dropping the N-bomb

Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra — "Where's your caravan?"

The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.

“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.

The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.

“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”