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Manager: Ball (“‘B’, ‘A’, double ‘L'”)
Nationality: England
Domestic club side: N/A
Tournament history: Debut Kenna manager
(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling. Strike denotes player not taking part in tournament)
| Pyatov, A | Ukraine | £1m |
| Badstuber, H | Germany | £9m |
| Jacobsen, L | Denmark | £0.5m |
| Rolando | Portugal | £0.5m |
| Robben, A | Holland | £33m |
| Malouda, F | France | £5m |
| Pranjic, D | Croatia | £13m |
| Torres, F | Spain | £21m |
| Samaras, G (TB) | Greece | £0.5m |
| Total | £94.5m |
Manager: Alex
Nationality: England
Domestic club side: Dynamo Charlton
Tournament history: International debut
| Cech, P | Czech Republic | £12m |
| Alba, J | Spain | £20m |
| Terry, J | England | £11m |
| Alves, B | Portugal | £5m |
| Papadopoulos, K | Greece | £9m |
| van der Vaart, R | Holland | £7m |
| McGeady, A | Rep of Ireland | £4.5m |
| Källström, K | Sweden | £10m |
| Cabaye, Y | France | £0.5m |
| Podolski, L | Germany | £7m |
| Cassano, A | Italy | £7m |
| Total | £93m |
Manager: Carles
Nationality: Catalunya
Domestic club side: Just Put Carles
Tournament history:
| De Sanctis, M | Italy | £0.5m |
| Jones, P | England | £5m |
| Mexès, P | France | £8.5m |
| Gebreselassie, T | Czech Republic | £5.5m |
| Arbeloa, A | Spain | £11m |
| Moutinho, J | Portugal | £11m |
| Duff, D | Rep of Ireland | £4m |
| Katsouranis, K | Greece | £3m |
| van Bommel, M | Holland | £4.5m |
| Müller, T | Germany | £8m |
| Jelavic, N | Croatia | £21m |
| Total | £82m |
Manager: John
Nationality: England
Domestic club side: Headless Chickens
Tournament history: International debut
(Strike denotes player not travelling to tournament)
| Neuer, M | Germany | £15m |
| Heitinga, J | Holland | £8.5m |
| Wojtkowiak, G | Poland | £0.5m |
| Berezutski, A | Russia | £0.5m |
| Iniesta, A | Spain | £29m |
| De Rossi, D | Italy | £8m |
| Ribéry, F | France | £21m |
| Larsson, S | Sweden | £8.5m |
| Postiga, H | Portugal | £7.5m |
| Eduardo | Croatia | £0.5m |
| Total | £99.5m |
Manager: Jack
Nationality: England
Club side: Pikey Scum
Tournament history:
| Hart, J | England | £14m |
| Lahm, P | Germany | £11m |
| Ignashevich, S | Russia | £7.5m |
| Barzagli, A | Italy | £0.5m |
| Dunne, R | Rep of Ireland | £0.5m |
| Kranjcar, N | Croatia | £2m |
| Silva, D | Spain | £5.5m |
| Rosický, T | Czech Republic | £7.5m |
| Husyev, O | Ukraine | £0.5m |
| van Persie, R | Holland | £38m |
| Rémy, L | France | £0.5m |
| Total | £87.5m |
THE MAN at the centre of an illegal bidding scandal that rocked the Kenna this week has claimed he had been ‘naive’.
At Tuesday night’s Emmanuel Olisadebe auction ahead of the tournament in Poland and Ukraine, the FC Testiculadewland manager was discovered to be deliberately trying to buy a second French player, Karim Benzema.
Under auction rules, the FCT manager would invoke the Titus Bramble Ruling – forfeiting Franck Ribery, the most expensive of his two Frenchmen.
It is thought the manager was attempting to free up funds late in the auction.
The practice, which has come to be known as ‘tactical Brambling’, caused outrage among fellow managers, who traditionally view the forfeit procedure as a punitive measure.
In a leaked email to Kenna HQ, the FCT manager said: “I was a bit naive, I honestly thought it’d be an acceptable thing to do at the time.
It was only my second auction and I’d seen Brambles flying here, there and everywhere. I thought if you were willing to take the Bramble then people would be okay with it.”
The reasoning is similar to that of Robbie Earle, who was implicated in a ticketing scandal at the 2010 World Cup.
The former Wimbledon striker claimed he’d been ‘naive’ when tickets he’d given to a friend ended up being used in a ambush marketing stunt at the group match between Denmark and Holland.
As a result, Earle lost his job at ITV Sport. The fate of the FCT manager hangs in the balance.
The Bramble player in his team for the forfeit Ribery, Alexandros Tziolis, has been cut from the Greek squad due to ample defensive-midfield cover.
“We’ve received an appeal from FC Testiculadew to replace the bubble and squeak. We’ve decided to put it to a vote. Managers are invited to choose what the fate of FCT should be,” read an official league statement.
Managers can vote below. The results will be confidential until they are revealed on Wednesday (6 June).
[polldaddy poll=6277059]
THE WAITING is over and the day has come for 16 intrepid managers to take part in the very first fantasy football auction to be broadcast live on Twitter.
At 7pm tonight, in a pub not far from Elephant & Castle tube station in south London, the first player will be introduced to the bidding for the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
From there the auction will roll on until every team contains a goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers – each of the 11 players hailing from a different nation.
Every manager will be hoping for glory and planning to avoid ignominy.
“The Olisabdebe promises to be the best auction yet. When a group of gentlemen met for the first ever auction seven years ago, none of them ever thought it would reach these heights. I wish every manager the best of luck,” said the Chairman.
A brief profile of each competitor can be found below, as well as the teams that failed to qualify and the final standings from the 2010 Doctor Khumalo World Cup.
1. Make Party (Eng) – Having won in South Africa two years ago at the helm of Nelson’s Column, the Make Party manager has the pedigree of international success. Claims this season’s rocky domestic form with Vasco De Beauvoir was down to it being a transitional year.
2. Chernobyl Forlov (Eng) – Came a very close second in 2010 managing South Afrikaans are Rasc1st Santander, and still in the Zurich appeal courts after the Fifa Technical Committee awarded every goal of the tournament to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder. Will be looking to get one over Make Party. Disappointing in the league this season managing Hairy Fadjeetas.
3. Aston Birra (Cat) – Took a sabbatical from the domestic game this year to keep fresh for the summer. Hoping to better his run out in the Khumalo where his team Nottingham Miedo came a respectable third.
4. Just Put Warsaw (Cat) – Another Catalan doing well in 2010, come fourth with Where’s MaraVilla? Preparations marred by stuttering league campaign with Just Put Carles and Catalan public spat.
5. Bwing on the Euwos (Wal) – A consistent performer at domestic level, with one league title to his name managing Young Boys, the Welshman is yet to win silverware at international level. Mid-table finish at the helm of Paul Gadd’s U16s in 2010.
6. Utoya Island XI (Wal) – A mid-table manager at every level. Got the best of our Robin van Persie in the league at Judean Peoples’ Front this season. Resemblance to Anders Breivik unhelpful.
7. Just FEMEN (Sco) – Disastrous league campaign this season led to her sacking from Polonia Forsyth. Led Anyone But England in disappointing 2010 tournament. Needs to pull her kni… socks up.
8. Welease Wio! (Eng) – Also sacked earlier this month for leading The Dan Terry Seduction to relegation. Provided one of the comedy highlights of the 2010 auction by introducing Scott Chipperfield to the bidding. Probably reading up on useful fly halves, hurdlers and wicketkeeper-batsmen, if reading up at all.
9. The Horn of Africa (Som) – Growing tired of major tournaments hosted by countries with rac1st tendencies. Hopes to better his 2010 performance at the helm of RIP MJ. Impressive domestic season with Spartak Mogadishu.
10. Hoodyanika Bolokov (Eng) – Won the Claudio Caniggia 2006 World Cup, although its validity recently brought into question. Calamitous beginnings to 2010 when he bought an injured Samir Nasri at auction. Pikey Scum team finished mid-table this season.
11. Everybody Gdansk Now (Eng) – After seven years still looking for a trophy at any level. Led Newington Reds to third place in the league this season.
12. Testiculadewland (Eng) – Was so successful in his debut campaign with FC Testiculadew that an official league inquiry was launched two months before the end of the season. Can he become the second ever manager to win the triple?
13. Bunga Bunga Euro Tour (Eng) – Domestic cup runner up this season in charge of Headless Chickens.
14. Every Pole’s a Goal (Wal) – Mid-table domestic finish with Bala Rinas.
15. Doing the Poznan (Eng) – Mid-table domestic finish with Lurliners.
16. The Eurosceptics (Eng) – Mid-table domestic finish with Dynamo Charlton.
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KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.
Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.
“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.
“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”
The criteria
Please send suggestions to [email protected] or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub
Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.
The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.
“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”
The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:
Goalkeepers are spread around the Kenna quite evenly, with the exception of those from Arsenal.
Despite last season’s wayward performances, two managers have opted for a Polish shot stopper.
FC Testiculadew’s Wojciech Szczęsny has impressed so far, while Polonia Forsyth’s Łukasz Fabiański has watched from the bench.
However, the unpredictable predictability of ‘the professor’ means that anyone could be brought in before the month is out.
So who will score the most points by May?
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