polonia – The Jeff Kenna League

Snog Marry Avoid

Mary Poppins — Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air

ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.

Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.

The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.

“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.

Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.

“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.

This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.

In what’s being dubbed the Pussy Chicken derby, Hairy Fadjeetas take on Headless Chickens.

FCT play PSV Mornington in the other game. No witty derby name for that one.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.

Bottom pressure

Whiskey — Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?

Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.

Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.

“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.

“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”

One club currently under pressure is Polonia Forsyth.

The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.

Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.

“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.

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