Tag: premier league

Rubbing one under the carpet

From: The chairman <[email protected]>
Time: Tuesday, 31 October 2017, 11.52am
To: The head of charts and graphs <[email protected]>
Subject: The Rub audit

Dear head,

I must urge you to immediately correct errors in the Kenna scores spreadsheet The Rub before we are facing serious consequences.

Since first being notified of a mix up with teams and scores, I took a closer inspection. I found no fewer than six teams that appear to have been unrecognisably altered since last month’s transfer window.

I need not remind you the smooth running of this league (or at least the appearance of smooth running) is of utmost importance to the Kenna in its standing as the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

Don’t tell them I said this, but the managers in the Kenna are (how shall I put it?) a shower of bastards. They will take any chance to jump on an administrative folly like this by Kenna HQ. Animals. That in particular goes for that feckless Welsh wannabe usurper the vice chairman.

I must admit I have a second – most expedient – motive for sweeping this under the carpet quickly and quietly. It will not have escaped anyone’s notice that in your absence at the transfer window, the task of filling in the spreadsheet was delegated to the  Lokomotiv Leeds manager. A Jew.

Antisemitism is most definitely not entertained in the Kenna executive. However, may I remind you one of those chiefly affected by the blunder was the Judean Peoples’ Front manager? The same man who looks like and, for all we know, harbours the anti-cosmopolitan views of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik?

If the Breivik-a-like finds out Sergio Aguero has been ripped from his team and replaced with Wayne Rooney because a child of Abraham muffed up the spreadsheet at the transfer window…

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to get plugged by a blonde supremacist in a dripping wet suit, and I expect neither does the Lokomotiv Leeds manager nor Aguero (ironically, Rooney’s the only one in this equation no stranger to getting plugged).

I’m sure I can trust your speed and discretion when it comes to resolving this matter.

The chairman

PS – if you’re going to fiddle The Rub so you’re top of the league, can you at least bump me up a few places from 19th? Thanks.

Kenna table week 10

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 10 - 31 October 2017
Kenna table week 10 – 31 October 2017
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Stan Collymore in temporary charge after Sleptember XI sack manager

STAN Collymore has taken temporary charge of Sleptember XI just two weeks after being released from the Kenna League club as a player.

The position became free yesterday after the now-former manager was sacked this week following a disastrous start to the campaign.

Despite making three changes at the transfer window, Sleptember XI still rattled around the relegation zone like a stuck pig.

Former striker and radio pundit Collymore found himself starting the season for the side up front as a Titus Bramble forfeit player alongside Diego Costa and Fernando Llorente.

Swapping those three no-hopers for Shinji Okazaki, Jordan Ayew and Ayoze Peres at the transfer window failed to address deep-seated problems on the pitch.

Sleptember XI have failed to break away from bottom-placed Puncheon The Bony Kante and So Good They Named Him Twice despite the managers of those two clubs turning up neither to the auction – submitting silent bids – nor the transfer window.

A Sleptember XI club statement read: “We had to do something before the manager ran us into the ground. Zero returns on our financial investment is what we could expect had we kept him.”

Stan Collymore is preparing himself for a new level of trolling on social media having accepted the job.

“The Kenna. That’s the top level of the game. Only the best get a job there,” he tweeted to talkSPORT, the radio station that cancelled his contract last year.

Kenna table week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 24 October 2017
Kenna week 9 – 24 October 2017

Kenna table week 8

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Rough Diamond

 

NEIL Diamond is set to sue the Kenna League after footage emerged of Kenna managers allegedly murdering one of his songs.

The grainy video is believed to have been shot outside the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road after last Friday’s first Kenna transfer window.

Diamond is understood to have instructed his lawyers, less than impressed with a group of inebriated, tone-deaf men trying to remember the words to Sweet Caroline.

‘They’re putting in a sack with some rocks and dead kittens and throwing it in a canal,’ said Diamond in a statement. ‘I didn’t create this music for it to be treated with such barbarism.’

Kenna HQ denies any wrongdoing in the incident, claiming the tuneless ditty was started by a passer by.

‘We emerged from the window to find a strange man on the street cajoling us into some Diamond,’ the Kenna chairman told police.

‘At the risk of appearing impolite, or of this weirdo kicking off, managers – who may have been drinking alcohol, although I did not witness it personally – joined in the song.’

It was not the first stranger of the night to approach Kenna managers.

Earlier in the evening a man interrupted the transfer window with what he believed to be sage advice.

‘Don’t ever care about the pigs you’re not allowed to talk about something might burn yourself,’ he oracled before wondering off in the direction of the bar.

In spite of these encounters with London’s underbelly, the transfer window was completed in record time.

Moneybags club Dynamo Charlton made the most expensive signing of the window, £32m on midfielder Richarlison.

Piss Poor met the extraordinary buyout clause to poach Alexis Sanchez from Islington Sports Islam & Leisure for £22m.

The Pirate used the additional booty to sign defender Stephen Ward for £22m and striker Tomer Hemed for £19m.

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Judean Peoples’ Front 2017/18

Sholto profile pic
Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Twitter name: @sholtoGH

Since: 2008

Home ground: Wetsuit Way

Training facility: The Island

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th
2015/16 – 15th
2016/17 – 20th (relegated)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Dr Dre – Bang Bang

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: This guy? The Borough Bugle? Not gonna happen – 500/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £19m

Player sales: Henderson to Young Boys for £0.5m

Adrian (TW2) WHM £0.50
Jones, P MUN £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW £0.50
Olsson, M (TW1) SWA £0.50
van Dijk, V (TW2 – from Lokomotiv Leeds) LIV £9.00
Cabaye, Y CRY £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE £0.50
Surman, A (TW2) BOU £0.50
Doucoure, A (TW1) WAT £0.50
Aguero, S MCY £46.00
Ulloa, L (TW2) BTN £0.5m
 £58.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £19m

Allsop, R (TW1) BOU  £0.50
Jones, P MUN  £0.50
Lowe, C (TW1) HUD  £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW  £0.50
Olsson, M (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Cabeye, Y CRY  £0.50
Henderson, J LIV  £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE  £0.50
Dourcoure, A (TW1) WAT  £0.50
Aguero, S MCY  £46.00
Ramirez, S (TW1) EVE  £0.50
 £51.00

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11.5m (average of managers who attended the auction)

Vorm, M TOT  £0.50
Jones, P MUN  £0.50
Huth, R LEI  £0.50
Lascelles, J NEW  £0.50
Johnson, G STO  £0.50
Cabeye, Y CRY  £0.50
Henderson, J LIV  £0.50
Bakayoko, T CHE  £0.50
Lennon, A EVE  £0.50
Aguero, S MCY  £46.00
Perez, L ARS  £0.50
 £51.00

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Kenna deadline day – stats

NOT for the first time the Dynamo Charlton manager goes into Friday’s transfer window with the biggest budget to waggle around.

The spendthrift Surrey man takes £46.5m into the open market auction looking to fill a space vacated by Ander Herrera.

The Dynamo manager is sure to light up the window with big spending on one of the three top-scoring available players: Stephen Ward, Chris Lowe or Richarlison.

“I can’t wait,” said the Dynamo manager to media outside the club’s Stone Lake training facility.

He’s the richest of the 19 managers to claim the £10m bonus for releasing players before midday today.

Here are some some headline stats from Kenna deadline day plus all the released players and remaining budgets:

19 – managers to release players
47 – players released
£46.m – biggest manager budget (Dynamo Charlton)
£11m – smallest budget (Walthamstow Reds and Thieving Magpies)
5 – most player released by a single manager (Judean Peoples’ Front)
4 – Bramble players released
2 – managers who made no contact at all with Kenna HQ

Release players – full list

Manager Players Bonus Total transfer budget
Don’t Know Yet Afobe, Bournemouth striker

Karius, Liverpool goalkeeper

 £10m £15m
Pikey Scum Bravo, City goalkeeper

Shelvey, Newcastle midfielder

 £10m £12m
Piss Poor Kolarov, Roma defender

Origi, Liverpool striker

 £10m £43.5m
Iniesta Fiesta Coleman, Everton defender

Afellay, Stoke midfielder

Dembele, Celtic striker

Long, Southampton striker

 £10m £23.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds Deeney, Watford striker

Dembele, Spurs midfielder

 £10m £16.5m
Burqini Pool Party Mendy, City defender

Walcott, Arsenal midfielder

 £10m £20.5m
Young Boys Nyom, West Brom defender

Ward-Prowse, Southampton midfielder

Gradel, Bournemouth midfielder

Dier, Spurs midfielder

Benteke, Palace striker

 £10m £24.5m
Sporting Lesbian Kaboul, Watford defender

Cosby, Bramble midfielder

Lamela, Spurs midfielder

 £10m £11.5m
Sleptember XI Llorente, Spurs striker

Diego Costa, Athletico striker

Collymore, Bramble striker

 £10m £38.5m
Two Goals One Cup Van Aanholt, Palace defender

Clancy, Bramble striker

 £10m £16.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front Vorm, Spurs goalkeeper

Huth, Leicester defender

Johnson, Stoke defender

Lennon, Everton midfielder

Perez, Deportivo striker

 £10m £21.5m
Cowley Casuals Lindelhof, Man U defender

Gayle, Newcastle striker

 £10m £25.5m
Thieving Magpies Mirallas, Everton midfielder £10m £11m
Walthamstow Reds Fonte, West Ham defender

Batshuayi, Chelsea striker

 £10m £11m
Wandsworth Network Solutions Mertesacker, Arsenal defender £10m £21.5m
Dynamo Charlton Herrera, Man United midfielder £10m £46.5m
ISIL Robertson, Liverpool defender

Huxtable, Bramble striker

Murray, Brighton striker

 £10m £26.5m
FC Testiculadew Sandro Ramirez, Everton striker £10m £13m
Adam Johnson FC Heaton, Burnley goalkeeper

Clyne, Liverpool defender

Drinkwater, Chelsea midfielder

Lookman, Everton striker

 £10m £19.5m
Bala Rinas No release £10m £21.5m
Puncheon the Bony Kante No release, no contact 0 £11.5m
So Good They Named Him Twice No release, no contact 0 £11.5m
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Golden age of defending returns

REMEMBER the mid noughties?

The London bombings.

A German pope elected.

Mart Poom going to Arsenal on a six-month loan.

And English teams regularly meeting each other in the latter stages of the Champions League.

With the exception of Poom, it was a time built on strong defence. In fantasy football it was the epoch of clean sheets.

The inaugural winner of the Kenna League boasted John Terry, Steve Finnan, Wes Brown, Kolo Toure and Paul Robinson. At the height of their careers.

Goals were scarce. Clean sheets the norm. The chairman, for it was he, won the title with Darius Vassell in attack and Jermaine Pennant in midfield.

By the end of decade the tide had turned.

Andre Villas Boas crouched on the touchline to watch the once sturdy defence of west London ship them like a online bookshop with an aggressive diversification strategy.

In London pub-based fantasy football it was the time to buy false nines, the trequartistas and Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey.

And so it remained. Until now.

Heading into the first transfer window of the season this Friday, more than half of the top 14 performing players in the Kenna are defensive.

Ben Davies aside, all ply their trade in Manchester.

Several managers have already released players ahead of tomorrow’s midday deadline.

Are they looking for defenders?

With Nathaniel Clyne ‘out for some time’, the chairman certainly is.

Player Position Points Club Position Paid
Lukaku STR 49 Brambler 15th £41m
Kane STR 48 Pikey Scum 1st £40m
Valencia, A DEF 46 Piss Poor 11th £9m
Ben Davies DEF 44 Iniesta 10th £4m
Phil Jones DEF 43 Breivik 14th £0.5m
De Gea GK 43 WNS 16th £8m
Kyle Walker DEF 43 Sporting 2nd £8m
Otamendi DEF 41 Don’t Know Yet 5th £0.5m
Azpilicueta DEF 41 Pikey Scum 1st £18m
de Bruyne MID 40 Lokomotiv 3rd £32m
Bailly DEF 39 Young Boys 8th £5m
Salah MID 39 Sporting 2nd £32m
Stones DEF 38 Cowley 4th £0.5m
Jesus STR 37 Young Boys 8th £31m

Kenna League table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 7 - 3 October 2017
Kenna table week 7 – 3 October 2017
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Adam Johnson Fan Club 2017/18

Chairman 69 problems
…but running the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league ain’t one: The AJFC manager and Kenna chairman

Manager: Stix

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Home ground: Big Wong

Training facility: The Forbidden Garden

Trophy cabinet:
Champions 2005/06
Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006
Treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)
Narcozep Cup winner 2017

Form
2005/06 – 1st
2006/07 – 3rd
2007/08 – 7th
2008/09 – 9th
2009/10 – 1st
2010/11 – 4th
2011/12 – 16th
2012/13 – 18th (relegated)
2013/14 – 10th
2014/15 – 11th
2015/16 – 11th
2016/17 – 13th (cup winner)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Appears to have bought three players in no danger of walking on a football pitch anytime soon, another treble-winning season not on the cards – 50/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Pope, N BUR £0.50
Luiz, D CHE £10.00
Ogbonna, A WHM £0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1) HUD  £6.00
Mawson, A (TW1) SWA £0.50
Alli, D TOT £35.00  
Silva, B MCY £17.00  
Gross, P (TW1) BTN £9.00
Fraser, R (TW2) BOU £0.5m
Welbeck, D ARS £7.00
Diabate, F (TW2) LEI £0.50
£86.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Pope, N (TW1) BUR  £0.50
Luiz, D CHE  £10.00
Ogbonna, A WHM  £0.50
Jorgensen, M (TW1) HUD  £6.00
Mawson, A (TW1) SWA  £0.50
Alli, D TOT  £35.00
Silva, B MCY  £17.00  
Gross, P (TW1) BTN  £9.00
Welbeck, D ARS  £7.00
Defoe, J BOU  £13.00
Jese (TW1) STO  £2.00
 £101m

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Heaton, T BUR  £6.00
Luiz, D CHE  £10.00
Clyne, N LIV  £0.50
Ogbonna, A WHM  £0.50
Janmaat, D WAT  £0.50
Alli, D TOT  £35.00
Silva, B MCY  £17.00
Drinkwater, D LEI  £0.50
Welbeck, D ARS  £7.00
Defoe, J BOU  £13.00
Lookman, A EVE  £0.50
 £90.50
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Analysis: The Romelu Lukaku chant

MANCHESTER United fans have ignored the polite request of Romelu Lukaku and the wrath of Kick It Out campaign to continue singing their controversial chant.

For anyone who hasn’t heard it, terrace ‘wits’ are using a melody from Made of Stone by the Stone Roses to make race-related assertions about the Belgian striker’s manhood.

For chant enthusiasts, comparisons could be made to a video of Manchester United fans chanting about allegations Adam Johnson had an inappropriate sexual encounter with a 15-year-old girl (analysed here two years ago).

At the time, the former Sunderland winger was yet to be convicted.

But while both chants relate to…ahem…Johnsons under scrutiny, in Lukaku’s case defamation is an unlikely issue.

Is any man going to be interviewed outside the Royal Courts of Justice thousands of pounds richer because his penis is smaller than slandered?

In…ahem…short, the Lukaku chant is clearly racist and inappropriate.

But to the chant purist it could beg the question: to what United players could the Made of Stone chant be applied on the grounds of national stereotyping?

Here are some seriously low-quality efforts.

Juan Mata (Spain)

Juan Mata
Likes to chatter
Smokes Ducardos at a bullfight
Doesn’t eat his tea till midnight
Getting the assists
When he talks he lisps

Matteo Darmian (Italy)

Matteo
Darmian
Tackler, passer and a shooter
Says ‘Ciao!’ to girls from his scooter
Pressing down the flank
Reversing in his tank

Daley Blind (Netherlands)

Daley Blind
Smoking blim
Useful defensive solution
Relaxed views on prostitution
Tulips, clogs, windmills
Not that good on hills

Sergio Romero (Argentina)

Sergio
Romero
A magician on the goal line
Steak and Malbec every lunchtime
Acrobatic feats
Can’t help it if he cheats

Anthony Martial (France)

Anthony
Martial
He might take a nifty free kick
But his bike’s covered in garlic
Playing on the wing
Can’t resist a fling

Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Armenia)

Mkhitaryan
He’s Armenian
Our state English education
Means we’ve reached the limitation
Of our trivia
It’s bordered by Georgia?

Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden)

Ibrahimovic
His home country’s rich
Leggy blondes, midsummer parties
Collaborated with the Nazis
Goals and kung fu tough
Saunas in the buff

Michael Carrick (England)

Michael Carrick
Midfield magic
Killer pass he’s always hunting
Local pub’s got George’s bunting
In England he believes
Probably voted Leave

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 6 - 26 September 2017
Kenna table week 6 – 26 September 2017
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So Good They Named Him Twice 2017/18

Weatherall and Anderton
Sicknote: The So Good They Named Him Twice manager

Manager: Weatherall (Liverpool)

Twitter name: @johnredknapp

Since: 2016

Home ground: The Jay-Jay Memorial Park

Training facility: Okocha

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2016/17 – 4th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Smooth Operator – Sade

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Creditable follow up to 4th place on debut remote – 1,000/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017

No changes.

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £11.5m*

*auction absentee: average remaining budget of managers who attended

Romero, S MUN  £0.50
Moreno, A LIV  £0.50
Yoshida, M SOT  £0.50
Evans, J WBA  £0.50
Smith, A BOU  £0.50
Wilshere, J ARS  £0.50
Puncheon, J CRY  £0.50
Wanyama, V TOT  £0.50
Nolito MCY  £0.50
Remy, L CHE  £0.50
Musa, A LEI  £0.50
 £5.50
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Wandsworth Network Solutions 2017/18

Will and Gunnersaurus Rex
Influences at the highest echelons of the game: The Wandsworth Network Solutions manager (left)

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Home ground: King George’s Park

Training facility: The Alma

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Kenna Index rating: N/A
2010/11 – 8th
2012/13 – 19th (relegated)
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – did not enter
2015/16 – 7th
2016/17 – 10th

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Auction absentee only managed to sign de Gea, Baines and Rudiger as targets followed by an unkind auto pick – 100/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £1.5m

de Gea, D MUN £8.00
Baines, L EVE £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE £11.00
Morgan, W LEI £0.50
Bruno (TW2) BTN £0.50
Can, E LIV £0.50  
Pereyra, R WAT £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT £0.50
Bony, W SWA £0.50
Depoitre, L (TW1) HUD £0.50
Aubameyang, P (TW2) ARS £19.00
£54.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11m

de Gea, D MUN  £8.00
Baines, L EVE  £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE  £11.00
Bill Cosby BRA  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Can, E LIV  £0.50
Pereyra, R WAT  £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT  £0.50
Arter, H BOU  £0.50
Bony, W SWA  £0.50
Depoitre, L (TW1) HUD  £0.50
 £36m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £11.5m*

*auction absentee: average remaining budget of managers who attended

de Gea, D MUN  £8.00
Baines, L EVE  £13.00
Rudiger, A CHE  £11.00
Mertesacker, P ARS  £0.50
Morgan, W LEI  £0.50
Can, E LIV  £0.50
Sissoko, M TOT  £0.50
Arter, H BOU  £0.50
Pereyra, R WAT  £0.50
Carroll, A WHM  £0.50
Bony, W MCY  £0.50
 £36.00
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