Tag: premier league

ALEXIS Sanchez could be snapped up for as little as £10m at the October transfer window after having a buyout clause put in his contract.

Kenna League blazers took the unprecedented step having found the £32m Chilean forward was illegally signed by Islington Sports Islam & Leisure at the auction on Friday evening (4 August).

The decision will pile yet more woe on the ISIL manager.

Known as the Pirate, he became the highlight of the 13th annual Kenna auction by losing Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling and trying to resign.

The ISIL manager finished the night with a strike force of Sanchez, Glenn Murray, Andre Gray and Bramble player Dr Cliff Huxtable.

Overlooked at the time by the Kenna charts and graphs department, the team was found afterwards to have more than the limit of three strikers.

In a press conference outside the Holborn Whippet on Monday, the chairman explained: “Hold onto your tactics whiteboard pens, this will divide opinion.

“We’ve deliberated this at Kenna HQ. Charts and graphs feel they should take some of the blame for not spotting this on Friday.

“Therefore a decision has been taken.

“ISIL lose Gray, who goes on a silent bid to Puncheon The Bony Kante.

“Sanchez remains an ISIL striker but has a £10m buyout clause inserted into his contract.

“Effective at the October window, bidding will start at £10m for the Chilean striker.

“The Pirate cannot bid and will not receive any monies paid.”

The Burqini Pool Party manager summed up the feeling among managers: “What a time to be alive.”

The outcome was not well received at ISIL’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Trying to threaten Kenna HQ with a photo of his proposed resignation letter, the Pirate sent an unrelated photo from his camera roll.

“That’s twice he’s tried to resign in less than a week,” quipped the chairman.

THE Kenna League has started a disciplinary process against a manager after footage emerged of him calling rival managers ‘fucking shit’ while drunk in a bar.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, known as ‘Breivik’ for his resemblance to the infamous Norwegian mass murderer, was captured on video apparently criticising the managers of Piss Poor and Just Put Carles.

All three clubs finished in the relegation zone last season. JPF was just above the other two in 20th place.

The pressure appears to have got to Breivik, who under league rules now has to come up with a new team name if he wants to enter this Friday’s Kenna League auction.

Reports claim his drinking bouts have become more violent over the summer, often cornering strangers in pub smoking areas and repeatedly shouting ‘Judean Peoples’ Front’ in their faces, mostly with the apostrophe in the wrong place.

Kenna HQ said in a statement: “Breivik has conducted himself in a manner unbefitting of the Kenna League. The apostrophe comes after the ‘s’ in ‘Peoples”.”

Up to 20 managers are expected to gather in a City of London pub this Friday for the 13th Kenna League auction.

Download the player list.

HARRY Kane could be the deadliest Englishman from close range since Harold Shipman.

So how will that affect his value in a fantasy football auction?

Next Friday around 20 managers will be battling it out for the signatures of Kane, Romelu Lukaku, Sergio Aguero and the like at the 13th annual Kenna League auction.

With a team budget of £100m, the most desirable strikers in the land can expect to fetch anything between £30 and £50m.

Kenna rules mean managers can only buy one player from each Premier League club.

What does that do the signing fees of second tier strikers?

The return of Javier ‘El Chicharito’ Hernandez to England will be watched with interest.

‘The Little Pea’ has Kenna League experience, which is a big advantage over a newcomer like Alexandre ‘The Casette’ Lacazette.

The Mexican is also likely to get plenty of game time considering his competition for a place comes from Andy Carroll, a man so prone to injury his season will have more interruptions than a Kensington and Chelsea council meeting.

Wayne Rooney’s return to Merseyside is another move to raise an eyebrow.

Formally an outstanding performer at this level, enthusiasm from Kenna managers in recent times has…ahem…waned.

Two years ago Rooney was signed at auction for £31m. Last year it was £20m before he was sold in the February transfer window for a miserable £0.5m.

Rooney’s summer move will see his value increase, although many managers will consider him a gamble for anything more than £10m.

Saying that, players are randomly generated to be picked for auction so if Rooney comes out in the first half hour he’ll probably pick up a bigger signing fee.

If he comes out once managers have had a few beers and a couple of shots of the chairman’s homemade quince vodka, who knows what will happen?

Download the Kenna League 2017-18 player list

FORMER Kenna League player Cheick Tiote has died aged 30 after collapsing in training in China.

Tiote appeared for three Kenna clubs during his spell in England, but his tough-tackling defensive style saw him quickly moved on by managers.

The Ivory Coast midfielder’s first season in the Kenna with The Dan Terry Seduction was the only one he saw out with a club, albeit getting relegated.

The DTS manager snapped up Tiote for £0.5m at the October transfer window. He scored just 25 points in 29 weeks.

Later that summer Tiote was signed, again for £0.5m, by Judean Peoples’ Front.

Tiote only lasted two months before being released alongside Scott Parker in a midfield clear out by the JPF manager, in favour of Jean Beausejour and Abu Diaby.

JPF went on to finish the season in third place, the manager’s best league performance.

Tiote wouldn’t feature again in the Kenna for two years.

When the Young Boys manager signed him for £0.5m in October 2014 it unfortunately coincided with two months of miserable form for the club.

The midfielder was released in February as part of a five-player clear out.

“We’re very sorry to learn of the death of Cheick Tiote,” said the chairman outside Kenna HQ this week.

“He didn’t enjoy the most auspicious Kenna career, but he was a good panic buy for managers struggling late on in an auction or transfer night, and he did make an excellent fall guy when things weren’t going well.

“Our thoughts are with the family.”