Tag: premier league

IT’S been a week to remember for two founding fathers of the Kenna, and one to forget for another.

The Thieving Magpies manager put 52 points between his side and FC Testiculadew.

The gap turns Saturday’s final game of the season into a procession for the ‘Pies boss, who should lift his maiden piece of silverware in 12 seasons.

Meanwhile the chairman, no stranger to glory although someone less charitable may say it’s been a while, won his third knockout cup in 12 seasons.

Cowley Casuals midfielders Kevin De Bruyne (18 points) and Son Heung-Min (20) put in creditable performances but it wasn’t enough to win the Narcozep Cup final.

The chairman’s team Adam Johnson Fan Club were inspired to the win by Sergio Aguero (26) and Victor Wanyama (18).

Success for two managers who helped to found the Kenna League in August 2005 will surely bring particular consternation for one man.

The Walthamstow Reds manager is now the only person to compete in every season of the Kenna without winning a trophy.

Elsewhere in the league, debutants So Good They Named Him Twice will likely have to settle for the coveted Wenger Trophy.

Burqini Pool Party should finish just above in third, unless So Good They Named Him Twice defender Marcus Alonso overturns the Kenna League Fake Sheikh’s 12-point lead on Saturday.

With four teams facing relegation this term, Pikey Scum have a slim five-point cushion over Northern Monkeys.

Neither team have anyone left to play, so Scum’s safety could be under threat from some penalty shootout heroics from Judean Peoples’ Front goalkeeper Petr Cech.

Kenna table week 37

Full scores available from The Rub.

Narcozep Cup Final result

Adam Johnson Fan Club 62 – Cowley Casuals 48

THE closest Kenna League title race in history is going right down to the wire.

After 35 weeks of competitive London pub-based fantasy football just a point separates FC Testiculadew and Thieving Magpies.

FCT had retaken the top spot this time last week and opened an 11-point gap.

But a brace from Sam Vokes, a goal from Salomon Rondon and assists from Pedro and Yaya Toure saw Thieving Magpies go within one point of the leaders.

The title could come down to a single match in three weeks time where the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are backing Pies (Pedro and Sanchez) over FCT (Hazard and Iwobi).

In the Narcozep Cup, the Kenna League chairman is in with a chance of winning a knockout tournament for a record third time after progressing past Burqini Pool Party.

The chairman’s side, Adam Johnson Fan Club, is facing Team Panda in the final in two weeks time in what’s being billed as the Rumble In Steve Ward’s Jumble.

Top three closest Kenna title races

1. 2007/08 – 17 points: Fat Ladies over Recreativo Brockley – Ronaldo and Drogba win their second successive Kenna campaign at a different club
2. 2014/15 – 22 points: Sporting Lesbian over Cowley Casuals – At the time the proximity of first and second in the table was of less concern than the Adam Johnson football chants
3. 2008/09 – 28 points: Dynamo Temple over Nasmanian Devils – Dynamo won the league spending less than £9m per player in August and without turning up to a single window.

Kenna table week 35

Full scores available from The Rub.

Narcozep Cup semi final second leg results

Cowley 38 (72) v Panda 34 (76)

AJFC 37 (81) v Burqini 26 (71)

Narcozep Cup Final – 23 May 2017

Adam Johnson Fan Club v Team Panda

KENNA League title races have never been so seesaw.

Even without the injured David Silva and Zlatan, FC Testiculadew reclaimed the top spot with notable performances from Eden Hazard (14) and Calum Chambers (13).

Thieving Magpies had a respectable week, but word in the Kenna HQ charts and graphs office is the manager is ‘bottling it’.

Another piece of tittle tattle from that department is worthy of report.

Calculations show the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager made a decision at the February transfer window to set off a cataclysmic consequences for the title race.

In selling Joshua King, the Pirate made space to buy Daniel Sturridge and therefore lose Gini Wijnaldum under the Titus Bramble ruling.

The 112 points difference made to the Somali’s season would have put his side right in the middle of the title race.

Furthermore, who should snap up the subsequent 44 points of Wijnaldum to put himself in the mix?

The Tactical Brambler.

Kenna table week 34

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg results

Cowley 34 v Panda 42

AJFC 44 v Burqini 45

THIEVING Magpies are back at the top of the Kenna League after dominating the scoring this week.

Individual top scorer Alexis Sanchez notched, Yaya Toure assisted and clean sheets from Eldin Jakupovic, Phil Jagielka and Simon Francis saw ‘Pies overturn FC Testiculadew’s slender lead.

Despite a goal and assist from Eden Hazard on Monday night, the wind appears to have left FCT’s sails with injuries to key players David Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

The former double double winner was also knocked out of the Narcozep Cup in his quarter final tie with Team Panda.

“Fools!” said the Tactical Brambler to journalists who had questioned his side’s depth outside club training facility The Death Star.

“You dare to quibble the effectiveness of Calum Chambers when that pathetic earthling [the Thieving Magpies manager] has a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang?

“I should have you all liquidated.”

In other Narcozep Cups news, the chairman took advantage of the league’s Tuesday-morning-to-Tuesday-morning scoring week to knock fellow committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager out.

Kenna table week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Narcozep Cup quarter final second leg results

ISIL 26 (49) – 21 (56) Cowley

FC Testiculadew 22 (51) – 12 (53) Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 19 (42) – 32 (50) AJFC

Burqini 25 (77) – 27 (50) So Good x2

Narcozep Cup semi final first leg fixtures

Cowley v Panda

AJFC v Burqini

THE Kenna League title race is hotting up with just five weeks left of the season.

Thieving Magpies edged into FC Testiculadew’s lead to go within six points of the double double winner.

It’s quite a feat considering the ‘Pies have a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang, while FCT have two representatives from the PFA’s team of the season: Kyle Walker and Eden Hazard.

Looking at Hazard’s £2m price tag, it’s a convenient moment to remember the defending champion’s lengthy August rant.

Things aren’t going well for the rest of the PFA team of the season, who are all bungling around in the Kenna League’s mid table.

De Gea – Wandsworth Network Solutions (11th) – £18m

Kyle Walker – FCT (1st) – £10m
Gary Cahill – Sporting Lesbian (10th) – £9m
David Luiz – Cowley Casuals (6th) – £0.5m, first window
Danny Rose – Sporting Lesbian (10th) – £10m

Hazard – FCT (1st) – £2m
Kante – Bala Rinas (9th) – £0.5m, first window
Alli – Northern Monkeys (15th) – £23m
Mane – Piss Poor (21st) – £22m

Kane – Bala Rinas (9th) – £32m
Lukaku – Walthamstow Reds (12th) – £32m

Kenna table week 32

Narcozep Cup quarter final first leg results

ISIL 23 – 35 Cowley

FC Testiculadew 29 – 41 Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds 23 – 18 AJFC

Burqini 52 – 23 So Good x2

IT’S been a week to file under ‘a bit of a mare’ for the Thieving Magpies manager.

Flying high on top of the league since 6 December, at times it’s felt like it would be 12th time lucky for one of only three managers to enter every season of the competition.

Pantomime villains lurk around every corner. In the notorious ‘Tactical Brambler‘ the Kenna has a villain made to order and he’s been delivered to knock the ‘Pies from the top of the Kenna League.

The skullduggery does not stop there for Thieving Magpies. The Pirate has knocked them out of the Narcozep Cup.

“It’s a blow, there’s no doubt about that,” said the man who after the cup draw joked on social networking site Twitter he may rest key players for the tie.

@abdinw1 @jeffkennaleague Might rest some players in the cup. Concentrate on the league…

— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) March 31, 2017

The Pirate goes on to face Cowley Casuals in the quarter final first leg this weekend.

The Tactical Brambler kept his hopes of an unprecedented third league and cup double alive by sweeping aside Lokomotiv Leeds.

In what was being touted ‘the Boardroom Derby’, League champions Young Boys, whose manager is vice chairman, were knocked out by the chairman’s XI Adam Johnson Fan Club.

The chairman goes on to face the club of another committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager.

Should AJFC win, the chairman could face yet another executive peer in the semi finals in the form of the Burqini Pool Party manager.

Kenna table week 31

Narcozep Cup – last 16 second leg results

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 58 (77) – Thieving Magpies 53 (74)

Bala Rinas 63 (89) – Cowley Casuals 74 (102)

Lokomotiv Leeds 39 (55) – 83 (110) FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian 40 (57) – Team Panda 43 (66)

Judean Peoples’ Front 31 (58) – Walthamstow Reds 71 (96)

Adam Johnson Fan Club 52 (89) – Young Boys 35 (52)

Dynamo Charlton 36 (56) – Burqini Pool Party 68 (88)

Two Goals One Cup 50 (73) – So Good They Named Him Twice 59 (98)

Quarter final first leg fixtures – this weekend

ISIL v Cowley

FC Testiculadew v Team Panda

Walthamstow Reds v AJFC

Burqini v So Good x2

GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.

The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.

Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.

The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.

Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.

League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.

With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.

Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.

At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.

Fifteen-year-olds, dude.

The available player list and managers’ remaining budget are available from The Rub.

Clubs – players released – remaining budgets

Sleptember XI – none – 32.5

SGTNHT – Terry, Success – 31.5

Burqini – Bill Cosby, Perez – 29.5

Dynamo – Butland, Nolito – 27

Reds – Amat, Shaw, Khazri – 24.5

AJFC – Rodwell, Oscar – 22

ISIL – Iheanacho – 20.5

Leeds – Albrighton – 19

FCT – Boufal – 19

Sporting – no bonus – 17

Bala – Bravo, Ogbonna, Cazorla, Fer – 14

Magpies – Payet – 16

WNS – none – 13.5

JPF – Otamendi, Zouma, Studge, Rooney, Diouf – 11

Young Boys – Bolasie, Pereya, Defour, Diomande – 10

JPC – no bonus – 9.5

Panda – no bonus – 7

Piss – no bonus – 6.5

Scum – no bonus – 4.5

Cowley – no bonus – 4

2G1C – no bonus – 2.5

Monkeys – no bonus – 2

Cheerio – players who moved in January

Thieving Magpies

Payet to France

Young Boys

Patrick van Aanholt from Sunderland to Palace (not Bramble tied)

Dynamo Charlton

Snodgrass from Hull to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Two Goals One Cup

Ivanovic to Russia

Adam Johnson Fan Club

Oscar to China

Fonte from Southampton to West Ham (not Bramble tied)

Piss Poor

Berahino from West Brom to Stoke (not Bramble tied)

Kenna table week 22

Narcozep Cup playoff results

Sleptember XI 9 – 19 Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party 19 – 14 Wandsworth Network Solutions

Kenna table week 23