Pirate manages to Vorm his way out of drop zone

ISLINGTON Sports Islam & Leisure may have saved their season from certain relegation after it was revealed they had been playing most of the season with the wrong goalkeeper.

Negative publicity ISIL attracted last week after the manager appeared to be having yet another car crash campaign shone a light on an error in side’s starting eleven.

The club’s Somali manager spotted Michel Vorm was still in goal despite being released at the October transfer window in favour of Heurelho Gomes.

Reunited with ‘The Octopus’, ISIL’s points tally was backfilled by the boffins in charts and graphs, which raised the team from bottom of the Kenna League to lower mid table.

“Yarrrrrr! From the second I see ye Vorm in me crew I thinks to meself it be a landlubbin’ name, and being a seafarin’ vessel we sure to have ye Octopus! Yarrrrrrrr!” said the Somali, having somehow overlooked – at every single practice session at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for the last 18 weeks – there was a Dutchman in goal rather than a Brazilian.

ISIL were not the only side score badly this week. It was a low-scoring affair in the title race too, but Young Boys managed to extend their lead at the top of the table with a brace from new signing Emmanuel Emenike.

In response, chasers Walthamstow Reds scraped together just two points with an Aaron Cresswell start.

Heading into this weekend’s Narcozep Cup quarter final tie, the Young Boys manager will need to be just as convincing to overturn a considerable first leg deficit.

Narcozep Cup – quarter final first leg results (from last week)

Pikey Scum 29 – 10 Uncertain
Young Boys 26 – 54 Walthamstow Reds
Dynamo Charlton 43 – 33 Northern Monkeys
Lokomotiv Leeds 26 – 33 Thieving Magpies

Next week: quarter final second leg results

Kenna table – week 26

Weekly scores

11 Chinese takeaways you hope aren’t local to Adam Johnson

FOOTBALLER Adam Johnson pleaded guilty to charges of grooming and sexual activity with a child last week.

Since then the prosecution’s case has centred around an encounter between Johnson and a 15-year-old girl behind a Chinese takeaway in County Durham.

With all the allegations of where hands were placed, what act was performed and other inappropriate liaisons, wouldn’t it be unfortunate if the Chinese takeaway in question shared a name with one of these fast food establishments?

Adam Johnson gamble unbuttons Kenna League survival hopes

THE Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager has admitted his gamble on Adam Johnson in the transfer window could derail the club’s chances of Kenna League survival this season.

Just five days after ISIL bought the midfielder at the second and final transfer window of the season, Johnson pleaded guilty to one charge of sexual activity with a child and one charge of grooming.

ISIL are rooted to the foot of the Kenna League and the transfer window was seen as the manager’s last chance to tilt for safety.

“Yarrrrrr! Ye Johnson lad be gettin’ plenty o’ assists afore spillin’ ‘is guts to the law ‘ee be friggin’ in unweathered riggin'” yo-ho-hoed the Kenna’s only Somali manager.

“‘Tis skullduggery an’ no mistake, getting yer cutlass between yer teeth wi’ a lass wi’ less years than me cabin boy, but truth be told ‘is signed shirts be sellin’ very smartly. Yarrrrrrrr!” added the manager, scanning the gates of the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility for eager, young autograph hunters.

Under Kenna League regulations, Johnson will stay with ISIL until the end of the season. The club is rumoured to have changed the passwords to its social media accounts.

The campaign has been yet another unmitigated disaster for the Somali manager, who looks set to lead a side to relegation for the third successive season.

The manager won the Canesten Combi Cup in emphatic style in charge of Spartak Mogadishu in May 2013, but a year later took the club down.

He went on to manage Hoxton Pirates the following season, only to guide them to a bottom-of-the-league finish 10 months later.

Going into the stats a little deeper, since winning the Canesten Combi Cup in May 2013, the Somali has spent 85 of 109 weeks of league play in the relegation zone, or as the manager ruefully admitted at this morning’s press conference “78 per cent o’ me hours in Davy Jones’ locker”.

Kenna table – week 25

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Newington Reds	Ben D	54	3
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	43	2
3	Carles	Carles	35	1
4	Thieving Magpies	Phil	33	3
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	33	2
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	2
7	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	30	1
8	KS West Green	Stix	30	1
9	FC Tescticuladew	James N	29	2
10	Pikey Scum	Jack	29	1
11	Team Panda	George	28	2
12	Cowley Casuals	Stu	28	1
13	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	2
14	Young Boys	Andrew D	26	0
15	ISIL	Abdi	26	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	21	2
17	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	20	0
18	Headless Chickens	John N	18	1
19	Uncertain	Pete B	10	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Coutinho, P – LIV – MID
		Club	*Newington Reds*

The Green Man, Fitzrovia

THE Green Man is a fabulous cider pub just a short walk from Oxford Circus.

On Friday evening it was peopled mainly by local office workers, with tourists cheerfully beyond the ken of the pub’s tucked-away location.

Many tipplers were huddled smoking outside on the pavement, despite the inclement February weather of Storm Frank, Godfrey, Henrietta, Ivanhoe or whatever the Met Office have begun overzealously renaming the same kind of wind and rain each week.

Inside the bar faces the front door and large windows. A high ceiling provides patrons with plenty of headroom to enjoy the multitude of beers and ciders. The Veltins and the Thatchers Old Rascal were delightful.

For a Kenna transfer window it was cramped. Managerial grumbles were heard of the pub’s unsuitable aspect on more than several occasions.

Against this dissent the show went on, as the league packed around a high corner table to make themselves heard over the din of ad agency creatives who regularly take deliveries on late Friday afternoons.

Business was conducted swiftly and with the minimum of fuss. In fact, it was so Bramble free an emergency meeting was convened immediately afterwards between the chairman, vice chairman and whoever else happened to be waiting for bar service nearby at the time.

The chairman summed up Kenna HQ’s dilemma at a press conference this morning.

“The simple fact is: managers aren’t drinking enough,” he said upon showing a deadly Periscope video replay of a bunch of managers crowded around a small table full of pint glasses carefully studying lists of available players.

“We need to introduce some sort of spirits imbibing system into league meetings. No one’s Brambling, no one’s resigning in anger halfway through auctions and no one’s almost coming to blows over whether a contravention of made-up, fantasy-football-league regulation minutiae constitutes a breach of gentlemanly conduct,” said the chairman in reference to the acrimonious 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction.

“Four years ago we had a shot of tequila midway through the Euros auction and look what happened. When it comes to the [2016 Jean-Alain] Boumsong auction in June managers should prepare themselves for carnage.”

An increase in entry fees to cover rounds of moody top-shelf spirits is among rumours to be on the drawing board.

The chairman was heard to say after the press conference that plans a manager would drink a shot for every player bought would ‘be the next vanishing spray’.

Kenna table – week 24

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Young Boys	Andrew D	83	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	82	3
3	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	75	1
4	Thieving Magpies	Phil	68	3
5	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	67	4
6	KS West Green	Stix	64	2
7	Headless Chickens	John N	60	2
8	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	60	1
9	Newington Reds	Ben D	55	2
10	Team Panda	George	55	2
11	Carles	Carles	54	3
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	52	1
13	Cowley Casuals	Stu	52	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	48	2
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	48	0
16	ISIL	Abdi	47	1
17	Uncertain	Pete B	44	3
18	FC Tescticuladew	James N	40	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	30	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Huth, R – LEI – DEF
		Club	*Uncertain*

Transfer window death threats – five of the best

KENNA managers were set the task of releasing players for tomorrow’s second transfer window in the form a death threat to the chairman.

Just fewer than half the league responded to the challenge, with varying degrees of creativity and menace.

No one went so far as to nail the cat to the door of Kenna HQ or send a funeral wreath, which for any fantasy football league chairman is always a bonus.

The top five death threats are below, as well as this week’s table (not including Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s games).

For the first time, the transfer window will be broadcast live from The Green Man on the borders of Fitzrovia and Marylebone using Periscope. Absent managers can bid at https://www.periscope.tv/jeffkennaleague.

Regardless of whether they’ve released players or not, Kenna managers can still play one wildcard when the window is open between 7pm and 10pm tomorrow night.

A full list of available players and managers’ remaining budgets will be published at Friday lunchtime.

5. The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Lokomotiv Leeds death threat — Threat level: 4/10

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager was the first to admit this was less of a death threat and more a reminder even the chairman’s side could come unstuck by scandal. However, still very amusing although there’s a greater threat Funky Pigeon has reported the LL boss to the authorities.

4. The FC Testiculadew manager

FC Testiculadew death threat — Threat level: 4/10

One of many classic lines from that Alan Partridge sex swap episode. The release graphic was a highlight, but the close is far too polite, softening the sinister connotations of the kiss at the end.

3. The Walthamstow Reds manager

Walthamstow Reds death threat — Threat level: 6/10

The Reds boss has gone to the trouble of creating an innovative word puzzle death threat which contains an actual threat on the chairman’s life, while simultaneously appealing to his penchant for crosswords. Marks taken off for using a space for a hyphen. Not great crossword etiquette.

2. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

A jump in death threat class to a message with proper intent and intimidation. It’s a blurry image, but it doesn’t take much imagination to decipher the Anders Breivik lookalike’s promise to rain down judgement not just on the chairman but the whole league. He also takes time to single out the Young Boys manager, a definite plus. The coffee ring shows this has been on display at Kenna HQ all week.

1. The Young Boys manager

Young Boys death threat — Threat level: 9/10

Personal and chilling. The Young Boys manager has taken time to rifle through the chairman’s social media profiles to dig out the aftermath of Cambodian tuk tuk misadventure. Insinuates the YB boss was somehow behind the 2007 road traffic accident while threatening further harm. Inside is a clear threat to take over the league.

Kenna table – week 23

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	41	5
2	FC Tescticuladew	James N	33	0
3	KS West Green	Stix	31	3
4	Carles	Carles	29	2
5	Uncertain	Pete B	26	4
6	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	25	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	22	1
8	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	22	1
9	Thieving Magpies	Phil	21	1
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	1
11	Team Panda	George	18	0
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0
13	ISIL	Abdi	16	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	14	1
16	Young Boys	Andrew D	14	0
17	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	11	1
18	Newington Reds	Ben D	9	0
19	Cowley Casuals	Stu	3	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Iheanacho, K – MCY – STR
		Club	*Uncertain*

Eight players to shape the Kenna transfer window

NEXT Friday heralds the Kenna League’s second and last transfer window of the season.

A typically scratchy affair, without a host of available players, a handful of footballers will command eye-watering sums of Kenna club war chests for showing even the briefest hint of form.

Here are eight of the most likely candidates.

1. Charlie Austin, Southampton striker

Despite rumours he spends more time in pubs than the Kenna chairman, Austin has not only managed to get into league but also scored a goal on the weekend. Albeit completely unmarked against an opposition defence struggling for form and consistency, bids will be readied from all corners of the Kenna management. Except, that is, for the Walthamstow Reds boss, who bought Austin on the basis of tittle tattle in August only to release him again at the October window when a move didn’t materialise. Kenna regulations prevent the Reds manager buying back Austin this season, so he’ll be a spectator while others court the striker.

2. Jermian Defoe, Sunderland striker

Given the choice of releasing Defoe for the promise of Anthony Martial in early October, many would have followed the path of the cash-rich Dynamo Charlton manager. Sadly for the south London outfit the Frenchman’s form has evaporated while Kenna veteran Defoe has scored five goals in the last five games.

3. Delle Ali, Tottenham midfielder

A sumptuous strike on the Saturday, and week-in-week-out appearances of guile and creativity would make one think this midfielder was a household name. Ali’s now scored more points this season than Eric Lamela, Nacer Chadli and Moussa Dembele. Will Tottenham midfielders flood the market to make way next Friday?

4. Adam Johnson, Sunderland midfielder

Eager to disassociate himself from the consequences of inappropriately touching a schoolgirl, the Wandsworth Network Solutions manager handed Adam Johnson his P45 at the October window to the sound of terrace speculation about the nature and geography of his alleged offences. Since then the winger has gone on provide nine assists and occupy a central midfield creative role. Are any Kenna managers desperate enough to sign Johnson just five days before his appointed trial date? Yes. Yes, they are.

5. Claude Makalele

Of course, the diminutive Frenchman no longer patrols the outskirts of Kenna auctions, but his patented role certainly does. The likes of Southampton’s Steven Davis, Sunderland’s Yann M’Vila, Norwich’s Jonny Howson and Aston Villa’s Idrissa Gueye don’t create many chances, let alone score, but they have all made at least 20 full appearances this season. While not appealing to the hope of flair on a balmy August afternoon, on a cold night February these players are the chance to fill those non-scoring gaps a manager’s midfield.

6. Wes Morgan

A defender and club captain who has started almost every game and whose side are top of the Premier League. A Kenna manager must have snaffled Morgan already.

7. Enner Valencia

This compact Ecuadorian burst into Kenna consciousness in the 2014 Emerson World Cup with his explosive and direct displays for his country. He was having a stop-start sort of season but has come alive to score four goals in the last two games. Anyone in the Young Boys manager’s technical area would surely be considering the release of Diafra Sakho to make way.

8. Andros Townsend

No, not really. This is just in here as a joke. The last time someone signed ‘Dros’ Townsend in the February window they forfeit a debut Kenna League title. Literally.

Kenna table – week 22

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	58	2
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	57	4
3	Pikey Scum	Jack	48	4
4	Cowley Casuals	Stu	44	2
5	Young Boys	Andrew D	35	0
6	KS West Green	Stix	34	3
7	Team Panda	George	34	1
8	Carles	Carles	31	2
9	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	28	0
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	0
11	Headless Chickens	John N	27	2
12	Uncertain	Pete B	27	1
13	ISIL	Abdi	26	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	25	1
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	1
16	FC Tescticuladew	James N	21	0
17	Newington Reds	Ben D	18	0
18	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	16	0
19	Thieving Magpies	Phil	13	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Dawson, C – WBA – DEF
		Club	*Young Boys*

Tom Hopper at the heart of Uncertain revenge

THE Uncertain manager has claimed his revenge on the chairman is complete after his side progressed to the Narcozep Cup knockout stage.

Uncertain clinched victory in a group B tie over the chairman’s team KS West Green in an encounter as high scoring as it was tight.

In the post-match interview at Undetermined Road, the Uncertain manager claimed this was the chairman’s just desserts for ordering the pre-dawn abduction of defender James Collins in August 2012.

“They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but it’s much better served with 13 points from Robert Huth and a Bramble player in your midfield,” scoffed the Uncertain manager, in a reference to Thai video star Tom Hopper.

The result was Uncertain’s third ‘squeaky bum time’ win of the group stage, with two other victories by just a point – Headless Chickens 18-17 and FC Testiculadew 20-19.

A whooping by Walthamstow Reds in the other game sees Uncertain progress with a -15 goal difference, the lowest of the quarter finalists.

The side will play Pikey Scum in the first round of the Narcozep knockout stage. Legs will be held on 16 February and 1 March.

League leaders Young Boys scraped through, despite concerns, to face Walthamstow Reds.

Cup holders Cowley Casuals failed to progress after losing to Thieving Magpies, who play Lokomotiv Leeds in the quarter finals.

Last season’s beaten finalists Dynamo Charlton will face Northern Monkeys.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles	54	54	Real Threat
Young Boys	36	53	Pikey Scum
Uncertain	57	52	KS West Green
Newington Reds	47	42	Headless Chickens
Dynamo Charlton	44	25	ISIL
Lokomotiv Leeds	38	59	Team Panda
Cowley Casuals	35	52	Thieving Magpies
Judean People’s Front	37	57	Northern Monkeys

Narcozep Cup – final group standings

Narcozep Cup standings - 19 January 2016 — Narcozep Cup standings – 19 January 2016

Narcozep Cup – quarter final fixtures

First leg – 16 February 2016
Pikey Scum v Uncertain
Young Boys v Walthamstow Reds
Dynamo Charlton v Northern Monkeys
Lokomotiv Leeds v Thieving Magpies

Second leg – 1 March 2016
Uncertain v Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds v Young Boys
Northern Monkeys v Dynamo Charlton
Thieving Magpies v Lokomotiv Leeds

Kenna table – week 21

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Team Panda	George	59	3
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	58	3
3	Uncertain	Pete B	57	4
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	57	2
5	FC Tescticuladew	James N	55	3
6	Carles	Carles	54	4
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	53	3
8	KS West Green	Stix	52	2
9	Thieving Magpies	Phil	52	2
10	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	51	2
11	Newington Reds	Ben D	47	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	45	2
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	44	0
14	Headless Chickens	John N	42	2
15	Young Boys	Andrew D	40	0
16	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	37	1
17	Cowley Casuals	Stu	35	2
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	29	1
19	ISIL	Abdi	22	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	48	Shelvey, J – NEW – MID
		Club	*Unsigned*

Young Boys face Narcozep knockout

LEAGUE leaders Young Boys of Vauxhall could be shunted out of the Narcozep Cup at the group stage…by rejects team Real Threat.

Matches on Tuesday and Wednesday this week saw Young Boys fall a whopping 21 points behind in their final round tie with Pikey Scum in group A. Real Threat now sit in the second qualifying spot after a hat-trick from Jermaine Defoe.

The Young Boys manager must conjure stellar performances from the likes of Romelu Lukaku and Riyad Mahrez this weekend, or his chances of a league and cup double will be put to sleep.

Should Real Threat qualify, the team will be disbanded before the window and then made up of a fresh set of rejects afterwards.

Just Put Carles	24	33	Real Threat
Young Boys	9	30	Pikey Scum

Group	A
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Pikey Scum	4	112	80	32	9
2	Real Threat	4	103	93	10	6
3	Young Boys	4	95	86	9	6
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	4	102	109	-7	6
5	Carles	4	87	131	-44	3

In group B, Wayne Rooney goals gave Uncertain a more err… certain chance of qualifying at the expense of two-times cup winners FC Testiculadew. Title hopefuls Walthamstow Reds are also looking strong.

Uncertain	41	20	KS West Green
Newington Reds	30	7	Headless Chickens

Group	B
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Newington Reds	4	131	-86	45	9
2	Uncertain	4	96	-95	1	9
3	FC Tescticuladew	4	93	-87	6	7
4	Headless Chickens	4	72	-87	-15	3
5	KS West Green	4	93	-130	-37	1

Team Panda’s 23-point lead over Lokomotiv Leeds and better goal difference in group C could prove decisive if Dynamo can’t negotiate what’s turned into a tricky fixture to ISIL.

How the Dynamo manager must be thinking of easy his life would have been if he hadn’t released Defoe in favour of Martial in October. Since the transfer window, the Englishman (53) is now outscoring the Frenchman (44).

Dynamo Charlton	19	17	ISIL
Lokomotiv Leeds	11	34	Team Panda

Group	C
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	4	89	-80	9	9
2	Dynamo Charlton	4	92	-77	15	9
3	Team Panda	4	110	-92	18	6
4	Bala Rinas	4	88	-103	-15	6
5	ISIL	4	82	-109	-27	0

Group D revolves around the nail-biting tie between cup holders Cowley Casuals and trophyless Thieving Magpies. Whoever wins will make it into the quarter finals.

Contrary to the information below, Northern Monkeys currently qualify on goal difference over Wandsworth Network Solutions.

Thieving Magpies

Cowley Casuals	14	13
Judean People’s Front	17	31	Northern Monkeys

Group	D
Pos	Team	Played	For	Against	Diff	Pts
1	Cowley Casuals	4	69	-67	2	9
2	Wandsworth Network Solutions	4	112	-99	13	7
3	Northern Monkeys	4	97	-81	16	7
4	Thieving Magpies	4	73	-68	5	6
5	Judean People’s Front	4	74	-110	-36	0

JPF case against Kenna over conditions to be heard in mid table

MASS murderer lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s court case against the Kenna League over his mid-table conditions, which he likens to torture, will take place in mid table, a court has ruled.

The Anders Breivik doppleganger, which was first called in April 2012, regularly dons tweed and a Tyrolean hat to kill pheasants in shooting assaults because he is opposed to their multiculturalism.

He has complained repeatedly about being mid table, which he argues is a violation of his human rights, especially since he has the in-form duo of Ross Barkley and Toby Alderweireld in his side.

Kenna HQ had proposed holding the trial in mid table, and the Breivik lookalike’s lawyer agreed to the idea.

“Practical considerations justify that the case be heard between sixth and tenth league positions, where Judean Peoples’ Front have spent the last 17 weeks,” the Kenna HQ ruled on Monday.

The mid-table conditions could be more closely studied on site, it added.

On 8 August 2015, the faux Norwegian signed 11 players at a fantasy football auction in the Hoops and Grapes pub in central London, and saw his side go top in the first week of the season before falling away.

Despite Julian Speroni not making a single appearance, and disappointing performances from Santi Cazorla, Ander Herrera, Papiss Cisse and Jay Rodriguez, the manager failed to attend October’s transfer window to make new signings.

In a report published in November, chalk stripes in the Kenna speculations department said the Breivik ringer’s consistent grumbling while failing to engage in league activities made him “look less like a mass murderer and more like a massive twat”.

Narcozep Cup – results

Carles 24 – 29 Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys 22 – 17 Real Threat
Uncertain 20 – 19 FC Tescticuladew
Newington Reds 33 – 31 KS West Green
Dynamo Charlton 33 – 15 Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv Leeds 29 – 15 ISIL
Cowley Casuals 15 – 25 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean People’s Front 15 – 22 Thieving Magpies

Narcozep Cup group standings

Kenna table – week 20

Weekly scores

Captain Morgan magic mocks myopic managers

EYEBROWS were raised at Kenna HQ today when it emerged unsigned defender Wes Morgan put in the performance of the week.

Surely someone’s already bought him, double-taked chalk stripes in the speculations department? It turns out they haven’t.

No matter what your predictions of Leicester City’s chances back in the August auction, the club captain who made 40 appearances last season would surely be a good bargain basement punt.

But while Mahrez, Schlupp, Schmeichel, Ulloa, Huth and Fuchs were all Foxes to be snapped up, managers deemed the Jamaican – who made five appearances on loan at Kidderminster Harriers in 2002 – surplus to requirements. More of Vardy’s omission later.

This week Morgan brought his points total to a rum 58. That’s a little more than three points a week. As research proved a couple of years ago, if all eleven players in a team scored three points a week, that manager would go on to win the Kenna.

Which begs the question: given chances in both August and October to buy such a solid player as Wes Morgan, which managers passed them both up?

The most glaring answer is the Headless Chickens manager, whose decision to buy Sergio Ramos before the season only to stick with them at the window has already been the subject of ridicule.

Others ruefully looking at their auction back four include the managers of ‘Pies (Kyle Naughton, 19 points all season), Panda (Steven Caulker, 11 points), Bala Rinas (Jolean Lescott, 7) and the FC Testiculadew manager (Gael Clichy, 2).

Come the transfer window in October managers were so busy gazing at Jamie Vardy’s £31m signing by Hairy Fadjeetas, Morgan slipped through the net. Big mistake.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager released Christian Fuchs in favour of Allan Nyom. Fuchs had only scored two points in as many months, but since the window has scored 4.5 points a week. Nyom is averaging 3.75.

But what got the chalk stripes really howling today was the curious decision making of the Northern Monkeys manager.

Firstly, Per Mertesacker had only scored four points by the window, so selling him to Hairy Fadjeetas for £0.5m to fund Russell Martin’s signature seemed like good business.

Form is fickle. The German has been marching along at 3.4 points a week for Fadges. Martin has only scored at 1.4 since October.

Secondly, the Northern Monkeys manager’s wisdom dictated in the wake of scoring an own goal Kasper Schmeichel be released in favour of Boaz Myhill.

Since moving to Walthamstow Reds for £0.5m, Schmeichel (3.6) has been scoring a full point a week more than Monkey’s new goalkeeper (2.6).

And Monkeys paid £9m for Myhill!

Narcozep Cup – fixtures

Just Put Carles v Hairy Fadjeetas
Young Boys v Real Threat
Uncertain v FC Testiculadew
Newington Reds v KS West Green
Dynamo Charlton v Bala Rinas
Lokomotiv Leeds v ISIL
Cowley Casuals v Wandsworth Network Solutions
Judean Peoples’ Front v Thieving Magpies

Kenna table – week 19

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	KS West Green	Stix	43	2
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	2
3	Newington Reds	Ben D	41	1
4	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	39	1
5	Carles	Carles	36	1
6	Team Panda	George	33	1
7	FC Tescticuladew	James N	32	0
8	Thieving Magpies	Phil	32	0
9	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	29	0
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	2
12	Uncertain	Pete B	27	1
13	Cowley Casuals	Stu	27	0
14	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	26	1
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	1
16	Young Boys	Andrew D	22	0
17	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	0
18	ISIL	Abdi	19	0
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	14	Morgan, W – LEI – DEF
		Club	*Unsigned*

Bullets in the post

THE Kenna chairman has stepped up his personal security detail after setting managers the challenge of sending him the best death threat.

A missive from Kenna HQ was sent to managers this week reminding them the second transfer window will take place on Friday 5 February and asking them to send in their players to be released ‘in the form of a death threat…in order to claim the £10m transfer bonus’.

‘Merit will be awarded for creativity and menace,’ read the communique. ‘The best death threats will be featured on the blog.’

Over the last few seasons it has become traditional for managers to make their transfer submissions by post to Kenna HQ to claim a £10m boost to their war chests for the window.

Some managers struggled to comprehend the curious new instruction. The boss of league leaders Young Boys immediately replied to ask ‘is there an added bonus if any of us actually kill you?’

There were big shifts in the league this week. More mesmerising movement from Mesut Oezil saw Walthamstow Reds move up to second in the table at the expense of the treasurer’s side Bala Rinas. It was welcome a outcome for the overexposed Reds manager.

At the other end of the league, a performance of the week from Marko Arnautovic helped ISIL move from the bottom of the table.

ISIL’s Somali manager was moved to make the most phonetically-challenged tweet of 2015.

@Br15land @jeffkennaleague @andenney is Arnoughtavic just a poor man’s zlatan. Discuss…

— abdi (@abdinw1) December 26, 2015

The Austrian winger is rumoured to have already registered the trademark ‘R-0’.

Kenna table – week 18

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	71	3
2	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	64	2
3	Cowley Casuals	Stu	63	2
4	FC Tescticuladew	James N	56	1
5	Team Panda	George	56	0
6	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
7	Newington Reds	Ben D	54	2
8	Young Boys	Andrew D	51	2
9	KS West Green	Stix	51	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	48	3
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	44	2
13	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	44	2
14	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	43	1
15	ISIL	Abdi	38	2
16	Thieving Magpies	Phil	38	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	0
18	Carles	Carles	33	2
19	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Arnautovic, M – STO – MID
		Club	*ISIL*