Season preview in one sentence: Still struggling to follow up an impressive debut three years ago, emerges from the auction with some agricultural defending, hotchpotch midfield options and Ivorians up front: lottery.
Heaton, T
BUR
£ 0.50
Shawcross, R
STO
£ 2.00
Moreno, A (TW1)
LIV
£ 13.00
Cresswell, A (TW2)
WHU
£ 8.00
Gibbs, K
ARS
£ 2.00
Colback, J (TW2)
NEW
£ 6.00
Silva, D
MCY
£ 25.00
Livermore, J (TW1)
HUL
£ 0.50
Mane, S (TW1)
SOT
£ 0.50
Defoe, J(TW2)
SUN
£ 15.00
Naismith, S (TW1)
EVE
£ 5.00
£ 81.50m
First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014
In
Moreno, A – defender, LIV – £13m
Livermore, J – midfielder, HUL – £0.50m
Mane, S – midfielder, SOT – £0.50
Naismith, S – striker, EVE – £5m
Out Stones, J – defender, EVE – £0m de Jong, S – midfielder, NEW – £0m Nzonzi, S – midfielder, STO – £0m Drogba, D – striker, CHE – £0m
Remaining budget: 9.5m
Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015
In
Cresswell, A – defender, WHU – £8m
Colback, J – midfielder, NEW – £6m
Defoe, J – striker, SUN – £15m
Season preview in one sentence: Returning to the Kenna after a season off, the manager has assembled a competent side most likely to be undone by squad rotation.
Forster, F
SOT
£ 0.50
Caulker, S
QPR
£ 4.00
Lescott, J
WBA
£ 2.00
Jenkinson, C
WHM
£ 4.00
van Aanholt, P (TW1)
SUN
£ 5.00
Bolasie, Y
CRY
£ 2.00
Milner, J (TW1)
MCY
£ 0.50
Willian
CHE
£ 8.00
di Maria, A (TW1)
MUN
£ 20.00
Lukaku, R
EVE
£ 10.00
Ulloa, L (TW1)
LEI
£ 9.00
£ 65.00m
First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014
In
van Aanholt, P – defender, SUN – £5m
Milner, J – midfielder, MCY – £0.5m
di Maria, A – midfielder, MUN – £20m
Ulloa, L – striker, LEI – £9m
Season preview in one sentence: Creativity in midfield, but severely limited striking options and the Scottish Cafu in defence will leave title challenge hopes stranded in the bush.
Mignolet, S
LIV
£ 6.00
Taylor, N
SWA
£ 0.50
Mangala, E
MCY
£ 0.50
Rosenior, L
HUL
£ 0.50
Hutton, A
AVL
£ 0.50
Barkley, R
EVE
£ 10.00
Oxlade-Chamberlain, A
ARS
£ 10.00
Hazard, E
CHE
£ 23.00
Amalfitano, M (TW2)
WHU
£ 0.50
Falcao, R (TW1)
MUN
£ 9.00
Cisse, P (TW1)
NEW
£ 8.00
£ 68.00m
First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014
In
Falcao – striker, MUN – £9m
Papiss Cisse – striker, NEW – £8m
Out Murray, G – striker, CRY – £0m Nugent, D – striker, LEI – £0m
Sink or swim: The St Reatham FC gaffer’s hands off management approach has come under fire
PLAYERS and fans of St Reatham FC have been left stunned following news that the team boss has jetted away for a luxury break, just days before the Kenna League football season gets under way.
In what is being described as a ‘typical, career-defining PR gaffe’, the St Reatham manager has spent the past few days on the Amalfi coast, posting pictures on Facebook and enjoying the once-popular ‘poke’ function rather than concentrating on important on-field issues.
It’s understood that tactics for the coming campaign have yet to be discussed and training sessions have been cancelled.
This latest blunder follows bizarre claims that he preferred to join Saturday’s Kenna auction via video link from Switzerland because “it’s more befitting for a man of my status.”
In a statement released by the PR machine he co-owns, he said simply: “I’ve got Mata.”
YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.
A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.
First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.
The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”
In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.
The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.
“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.
“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.
“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”
The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.
A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.
“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.
FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2
Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10
Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)
THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory
DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.
Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.
Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.
A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.
Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.
In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.
JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.
In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.
Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.
Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.
TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.
Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.
During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.
What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.
First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.
It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.
Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.
It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).
Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.
Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.
In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.
Athletes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the KS West Green manager
ROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.
Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.
For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.
Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.
The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.
A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.
Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.
The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.
@jeffkennaleague The ginned up lolly pop lady has now scored as many EPL goals this season as The Ox, Ashley Young, Cisse, Michu and Caroll
Kevin Mirallas scored twice to edge FC Testiculadew towards a second Kenna double (photo: deeegaogtgjg123)
KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.
On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.
Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.
With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.
Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.
Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.
It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.
No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.
