Tag: premier league

NEARLY £500 of unpaid Kenna subs have been photographed at large walking a tightrope of pandemic restrictions in a London pub.

The grainy image emerged on Tuesday evening and featured the Judean Peoples’ Front manager and former Dulwich Red Sox manager taunting the league chairman from a table of Czech lager.

The Red Sox manager is reported to still be defending his debt with a seven-year-old story of a botched ‘first goal of the season’ sweepstake excuse involving Daniel Sturridge.

The JPF manager is said to be unrepentant and even failed to acknowledge a demand for payment disguised as a ‘Congratulations’ card sent by Kenna HQ on the birth of his second child earlier this year.

The Kenna ethics committee are particularly keen to speak to the vice chairman, who appears in the image with the two debtors, and crucially was delegated to organise a first goal of the season sweepstake seven years ago.

Upstanding Kenna managers will be pleased to note both Judean Peoples’ Front and the vice chairman’s side Young Boys are languishing at and near the foot of the table respectively.

French authorities are still keen to speak to the vice chairman over a string of suspected sex offences in the Midi Pyrenees region last month dubbed ‘Le Young Boys’ by local media.

Kenna table week 11

Kenna League week 12

THE Kenna League treasurer spent his fifth week running at the top of the table with a host of players performing strongly.

Jamie Vardy (57 points), Che Adams (46), Jarrod Bowen (43), Sir Marcus (39), and Hugo Lloris (37) have raced out the traps for a manager who’s highest Kenna finish is third in nine seasons of trying.

The Bala manager’s most expensive auction signing Trent Alexander-Arnold (£30m) has returned the fewest points (14) with the exception Saed Kolasinac, whose principle role in the team is as a car jacking deterrent.

‘It’s 10 weeks into the season and all the players and club staff are safe and well, so we can’t fault Saed’s commitment,’ said the treasurer.

Kenna debutants Bunch of Kuntz jumped into the top half of the table after a hat-trick from Riyad Mahrez and another penalty from Bruno Fernandes, his seventh goal of the campaign.

The Bunch of Kuntz manager will be looking forward to the February transfer window to patch up an incredibly shaky defence which includes Kevin Long (8 points), Ruben Vinagre (6) and Joe Gomez (2).

The highest performing unsigned defender Kurt Zouma will be a target, but the Kuntz manager will face stiff competition from the Pirate (Rudiger, 7 points) and Dynamo Charlton (Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, 2).

Kenna League week 10

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FRENCH police say they are tightening the net on a suspected sex offender at large in the south of the country.

Numerous reports have been made during the pandemic lockdown of a man hiding in wooded areas throughout the Midi-Pyrenees region waiting to pounce on teenagers who show any football talent.

French media have dubbed him ‘Le Young Boys’.

‘We’re very keen to speak to anyone who may know the whereabouts of this man. He’s around 40 years of age, and of medium height and build. He may identify himself as a Welshman or a Belgian, but strangely has no working knowledge of the Welsh, Flemish or French languages,’ said a Gendarmerie National spokesman.

‘Le Young Boys’ is said to approach targets with promises of a lucrative contract to play football in England.

One victim, who wished to remain anonymous, said: ‘He jumped out of a tree and said I’d be part of the richest league in the world. He insisted we toast the contract with a drink, which he provided.

‘I woke several days later in south London, locked in a cellar with Kostas Tsimikas and made to spend 15 hours a day making replica Marc Wilmots Belgium shirts from the 2002 World Cup.

‘I managed to escape but it was touch and go. I couldn’t find any way to leave the area apart from the number 88 bus which took forever. Later I was told ‘Le Young Boys’ had a place in Wandsworth.’

Authorities believe ‘Le Young Boys‘ may be part of a obscure fantasy football league formed in London, and struggling this season near the relegation zone.

Kenna League week 9

[insert withering takedown of modern life using Ollie Watkins as a metaphor here]

Kenna League week 7

Kenna League week 8

IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?

For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.

The question is who you shouldn’t buy.

Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.

Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers

A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.

The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.

Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI

It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.

No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.

Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies

A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.

The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.

Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds

It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.

The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.

As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.

Reds are 16th in the league.

Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town

The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.

Kenna League week 5

Full scores available from The Rub