psv – The Jeff Kenna League

Window watch

Cougar — Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013 — Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	2
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	29	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	29	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
10	Woking	Mike	24	1
11	Greendale Rockets	Stu	24	0
12	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	22	0
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	0
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0

League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].

“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”

Load-blowing semis

Tissues — No one envied the Camp Nou commentary box cleaners that night

TWO semi final second legs enthralled Europe with nail-biting drama this week as the Cannestan Combi Cup reached towards climax.

As Gary Neville struggled to explain the mess in the press section, FC Testiculadew celebrated progression to the mother of all sibling rivalries in the May final.

Oppenents PSV Mornington offered little resistance, the gaffer’s advocation of ‘The Barcelona Way’ nullified by signings Andy Carroll and Jermaine Defoe. A mid-table finish awaits.

FCT will face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, whose comprehensive second-leg turnaround left Hairy Fadjeetas to fully concentrate on their relegation battle.

“We just kept pumping it into their box and in the end gave them a right going over,” said the Chickens manager, pulling a stray whisker from his teeth.

Cup semi final second leg results

FC Testiculadew 40 (94) – ~~26 (62) PSV Mornington~~

Headless Chickens 36 (64) – ~~12 (48) Hairy Fadjeetas~~

The final will be held between FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens on Sunday 13 May.

Download the full scores, tables and much more from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of the page.

PSV boss rues ‘mean’ Clásico

Catalan flag donkey — Donkey punch: Barcelona suffered title hopes blow

JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.

The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.

The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium

“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.

“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.

“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”

Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.

El Gran Cat-fight

Just Put Carles sink below PSV for first time
War of words erupts between Catalan managers

Donkey derby: the battle for 12th refuses to be a peaceful one

HOSTILITIES have been declared between the Kenna’s Barcelona contingent.

The knives were out in ‘La Liga Latina’ after early-season front runners Just Put Carles dipped to thirteenth in the table, one place below fierce Catalan rivals PSV Mornington.

Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.

“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.

Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.

“Tallo el bacallà!”

The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”

By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.

“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.

Mexican stand-off

Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.

“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.

Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.

They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.

As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.

Quick guide to Catalan idioms

N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires! > You could even rent chairs with this!
(I can’t believe it / this is incredible – in a negative context)
Sabràs dos i dos quants fan > you know what two and two make
(There will be consequences if I do not get my way)
Està tocat del bolet > He is touched by the mushroom
(He is crazy)
Tallo el bacallà > I cut the cod
(I’m in a position of power)
Ets un somiatruites > He is an omelette dreamer
(He is a daydreamer)
No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna > You do not know the bread that is given
(You do not really know what is this about)

For more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Snog Marry Avoid

Mary Poppins — Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air

ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.

Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.

The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.

“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.

Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.

“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.

This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.

In what’s being dubbed the Pussy Chicken derby, Hairy Fadjeetas take on Headless Chickens.

FCT play PSV Mornington in the other game. No witty derby name for that one.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Cut out for mid-table

PSV coaching staff — The PSV Mornington coaching staff

The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.

His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.

He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”

This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.

“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.

Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.

The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.

Weekly scores 6 December 2011 — Weekly scores - 6 December 2011

Defoe coming good

The PSV manager — Upbeat: the PSV manager gave a spritely post-match interview on Sunday

Things are finally happening for the PSV Mornington manager.

After seeing his striker Jermaine Defoe pick up a goal and assist (10 points), the PSV boss looked optimistic and relaxed in his post-match interview on Sunday.

Currently lying seventh in the table, the highest place since joining the Kenna in 2009, PSV’s three years of faith in the diminutive target man ultimately seems to have paid off.

The interview was in stark contrast to the manager’s humble apology in May, after they spent most of the season at the bottom of the table.

“The first thing I spoke to Jermaine after the game on Sunday was ‘¿Dónde puñeta has estado? En el pasado, haces lo que le sale de los cajones, y ahora es la verga andando!‘

“I think he understands what I meant,” said the PSV manager, grabbing his crotch.

On the last week’s evidence, PSV look to have some form in the team with David De Gea and Danny Murphy both setting out markers.

The question remains whether ‘El Jefe’ can keep getting enough out of his team to challenge the 17-goal dominance of FC Testiculadew.

Arteta and Barton’s scores will be fully updated by next week’s update.

Week 6 - week's points — PSV topped the weekly scores

PSV Mornington

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D	MUN	£16m
Cahill, G	BOL	£15m
Salgado, M	BLR	£6m
Brown, W	SUN	£6m
Aurelio, F	LIV	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£28m
Murphy, D	FUL	£12m
Ben Arfa, H	NEW	£0.5m
Song, A	ARS	£3m
Defoe, J	TOT	£12m
Saha, L	EVE	£0.5m
		£99.5m