quarter final – The Jeff Kenna League

Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.

Özil takes individual lead

THREE CLEAN sheets and some majestic, quarter final string pulling from Mesut Özil have put Testiculadewland well in contention for the Olisadebe.

The team’s controversial manager, who was found to be deliberately breaking the rules – or ‘tactical Brambling’ – in the pre-tournament auction, now finds himself in second place.

“Piqué, Contraõ and Bonucci put in some fine defensive displays, and to be in this position now even with a gap in the original team is a big plus,” said the Testiculadewland manager, possibly hinting at Karim Benzema’s selection.

Leaders The Eurosceptics head into this week’s semi finals as favourites for the title with Lukas Podolski, Antonio Cassano, Jordi Alba and Bruno Alves all due to start.

At the other end there’s a downright pathetic party being made by the current world champion manager.

With most of the team already thrown out and just Jerome Boateng, Nani, the suspended Maggio and the guys from the chess club playing Xbox in the living room left, the Make Party boss has admitted his festivity planning had been seriously miscalculated.

“We excited for bit because gram-stripper come, but some joker make this roll-poll ebony,” said the Make Party manager, before reading a gift card marked only ‘Chernobyl Forlov‘.

Pirates frogmarch up the table

Rug whack — Rugs whacked: Hairy Fadjeetas moved both out of the relegation zone and into the cup semis

PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.

Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.

“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”

Cup quarters results

A Mitchell brothers final is shaping up in the Cannestan Combi Cup as FC Testiculadew and Headless Chickens cruised through their respective quarters.

Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.

Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.

PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.

~~Newington Reds 31 (55)~~ – 41 (76) FC Testiculadew

~~Young Boys 40 (62)~~ – 34 (67) PSV Mornington

~~Pikey Scum 19 (35)~~ – 30 (79) Headless Chickens

~~Dynamo Charlton 30 (43)~~ – 28 (50) Hairy Fadjeetas

Semi final games

Wednesday 11 April – leg one

FC Testiculadew v PSV Mornington
Headless Chickens v Hairy Fadjeetas

Wednesday 25 April – leg two

PSV Mornington v FC Testiculadew
Hairy Fadjeetas v Headless Chickens

Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Christianity — Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.

Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye

Bottom — Mired bottom: Polonia are in crisis

Mario Balotelli finding the net was the only glimmer of hope in another sorry week for crisis-club Polonia Forsyth.

Despite the manager’s startling battle cry a few weeks ago, the club have occupied last place since January.

“I’m fair plucked from telling the lads to ‘keep the heid or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug’, but they nae respond,” said the Polonia Forsyth boss.

The side also failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup which gets underway today.

The Bala Rinas manager, who also didn’t qualify, will be particularly happy he’s no longer staking his season on cup success. Laurent Koscielny has just scored an own goal.

Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final — Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March