- “It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”
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Manager of the month awards
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Player of the week tallies
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Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide
Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.
This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.
A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.
So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.
Manager of the Month awards
FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.
Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.
After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong
Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.
And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.
As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.
Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.
As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.
Player of week tallies
Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?
Answer: Literally, none of them.
Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.
Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?
7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)
2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)
1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)
Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide
Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:
“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.
“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.
“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.
“When I was at Liverpool…..”
Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.
