ruud gullit – The Jeff Kenna League

How to pick a winning tournament team

Tempting at this time of year: Andres Iniesta scores goals and gets assists

MANAGING a team in regular fantasy football contests offers little true variance.

Sitting at your computer and picking the same two strikers 100,000 others have, while the War Office reminds you it’s bin day tomorrow is unpreferred.

Having to then spend the tournament logging on to make transfers and, God forbid, ‘pick captains’, is quite frankly unacceptable.

In the Olisadebe auction, managers lock horns in that most competitive of arenas, the pub.

Once the auction’s over, managers are free to enjoy the tournament in the patented Ruud Gullit ‘bars and discotheques’ style.

For the uninitiated, here an idiot’s guide to the rules:

Each manager has £100m to buy 11 players in a 4-4-2 formation
Each team may have no more than one player of each nationality
Managers breaking the rules are subject to the Titus Bramble Ruling.

The second rule in particular makes the Olisadebe ultimately challenging. Buying a bottom-drawer player from a top team is folly.

Going around the table, each gaffer takes it in turns to introduce a player to the bidding. The auction ends when every team is filled.

The Olisadebe ‘Brambles’ will be announced next week.

What experience tells us

Looking below at the top performers from the last international tournament, the Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup, the immediate thought is: what the bejabbers was someone up to spending £31.5m on a holding midfielder like Schweinsteiger?

During a domestic season, steady Eddies like Bastian ‘Pig-overseer’, making regular appearances and nicking the odd goal can be useful.

But in tournament football, where an absolute maximum of six games awaits, the only successful midfielders are those scoring just as many goals as their striking counterparts (Wesley Sneijder).

Forwards regularly finding the net and back fives from organised teams picking up clean sheets offer the best return on investment.

Creative wing backs getting assists and goals, while their side keeps clean sheets, are a handy addition.

The second thing you’ll notice from the table is that some household names went for chicken feed. There are three reasons for this:

all the other managers had bought their quota from that country (Iker Casillas)
those at the auction simply hadn’t considered that player of value (Thomas Muller)
the player had initially been bought for a large sum, forfeited through the Titus Bramble Ruling and bought on the cheap later in the evening (David Villa)

Top European’s from the 2010 Khumalo World Cup in South Africa

Name	Position	Country	Points	Auction price
Thomas Muller	Striker	Germany	42	£0.5m
Wesley Sniejder	Midfielder	Netherlands	40	£36m
David Villa	Striker	Spain	39	£0.5m
Iker Casillas	Goalkeeper	Spain	35	£0.5m
Gerard Pique	Defender	Spain	33	£22m
Carlos Puyol	Defender	Spain	33	£1m
Sergio Ramos	Defender	Spain	28	£1m
Mesut Ozil	Midfielder	Germany	26	£0.5m
Miroslav Klose	Striker	Germany	25	£7m
Manuel Neuer	Goalkeeper	Germany	24	£0.5m
Phillipe Lahm	Defender	Germany	22	£13.5m
Arne Friedrich	Defender	Germany	22	£1m
Arjen Robben	Midfielder	Netherlands	21	£15m
Bastian Schweinsteiger	Midfielder	Germany	21	£31.5m
Andres Iniesta	Midfielder	Spain	20	£19m
Giovanni van Bronckhorst	Defender	Netherlands	20	£5m

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe in the build up to the auction.

Open letter to Pep Guardiola

Kenna HQ
London WC2

Dear Pep,

We were very sorry to hear about your resignation as manager of FC Barcelona last week. Since your appointment in 2008, the club has lit up football around the world and proved a welcome antidote to the cynical professionalism so prevalent in today’s game (although the Sergio Busquets simulation issue does remain a concern).

We hear you’re taking a break from management. While this is perfectly understandable considering the incredible pressure involved in leading a European giant to such success, we’re sure a man of your drive and focus will not be able to stay away from that atmosphere for long.

When you feel you’re ready to return to the kind of challenge that led to the outstanding achievements of your previous tenure, get in touch with us about the possibility of managing a team in the Jeff Kenna League.

Based in the capital of football, ‘the Kenna’ is the game’s premier club football competition. The league contains managers from around the globe, including two of your fellow Catalans whose pride and application more than atone for their lack of tactical acumen.

At the summer auction you’ll find yourself drawing on every reserve of the craft, determination and grit you used to lift three European Cups. Transfer nights will make an away trip to the Santiago Bernabéu seem like late supper with good friends and a porron.

Ruud Gullit was once offered the chance of Kenna management. That he chose the soft cushions of television punditry instead speaks volumes

Should you decide to accept, liberty over signings and budget allocation are guaranteed. The cream of footballers in the Premiership are available. The only hard and fast rule is that you must play 4-4-2. This is England, Pep, and people here just aren’t ready for continental ‘three at the back’ tinkering, no matter how proven it is at getting results.

The gauntlet’s been thrown down. The only question that now remains is whether you have the cullons to pick it up.

Yours sincerely,

The Chairman

Search for official Euros auction pub announced

The official Kenna gavel — Hammered: The perfect auction venue must have a bar

Media release

16 March 2012

‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.

Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.

“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.

“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”

The criteria

Central London pub
Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
Wi-fi available
Ready access to food and drinks
The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.

Please send suggestions to [email protected] or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub

The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.

“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”

The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:

Kenna commitee members (x3)
Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
Founding Kenna members
Other former Kenna managers
Ruud Gullit