PSV MORNINGTON sacked their manager last night, citing poor performances and a lack of commitment as reasons.
A week before Christmas the north London club is pinned to the bottom of the table with the lowest points tally of any team at this stage of the season since the Kenna was founded in 2005.
Question marks hang over the manager’s dedication to PSV Mornington after another dismal display on the weekend. Rather than focus on improving team discipline, he was spotted partying into the early hours at the Dolphin in Hackney.
Failure to attend the transfer window in October, for which the manager allegedly suffered psychological torture at the hands of Clint Dempsey in retribution, is also thought to be a critical factor in the Catalan’s dismissal.
A club statement issued this morning read: “We could say PSV and the manager reached a mutual agreement and we wish him all the best with his future career, but we’d be lying. He was an absolute disaster.
“Since his appointment three seasons ago he’s never finished higher than 10th in the table, and we should’ve cut him loose in December 2010 when we found the club in exactly the same situation. We wouldn’t wish his services on any club. Or his bar bill.”
The Catalan manager has struggled to make an impact from the campaign’s outset.
He was widely criticised by everyone associated with PSV after the summer auction for buying players well known to injury and indifferent form.
The comical strike partnership of Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres has come to be symbolic of his tenure’s steady demise. Charles N’Zogbia the kiss of death.
Leaving the club car park late last night with a handful of personal effects which only appeared to be a tub of arroz con leche, the manager declined to be interviewed. His relationship with the media broke down in April last year after a bitter war of words with a rival Catalan manager.
The club denied rumours the dismissal paves way for newly-unemployed André Villas-Boas to take the helm.
Until the position is filled permanently, PSV Mornington will be managed by the club’s assistant coach – a life-sized cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.
Worst Christmas ever
The outgoing PSV Mornington manager has beaten his own record for the least points scored by the week before Christmas. Only once in history has the last-placed Kenna manager finished outside the relegation zone.
17 December 2013: PSV Mornington – 194 points
14 December 2010: PSV Mornington – 246 points, finished 17th (last, relegated)
16 December 2009: Fat Ladies – 268 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)
13 December 2011: The Dan Terry Seduction – 284 points, finished 17th (relegated)
19 December 2007: Dynamo Temple – 304 points, finished 10th (out of 12)
18 December 2012: Vasco De Beauvoir – 307 points, finished 18th (relegated)
13 December 2006: Vazmanian Devils – 317 points, finished 9th (last, relegated)
17 December 2008: FC Gun Show – 318 points, finished 12th (last, relegated)
14 December 2005: Stockwell Stockwell – 343 points, finished 8th (last, relegated)
Kenna table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 48 | 4 |
| 2 | Just put Carles | Carles | 40 | 3 |
| 3 | KS West Green | Stix | 39 | 3 |
| 4 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 38 | 2 |
| 5 | FC Testiculadew | James N | 37 | 1 |
| 6 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 35 | 1 |
| 7 | Team Panda Rules OK | George | 31 | 0 |
| 8 | Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 28 | 2 |
| 9 | Piedmonte | Phil | 28 | 0 |
| 10 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 27 | 1 |
| 11 | Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 24 | 1 |
| 12 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 23 | 2 |
| 13 | Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 21 | 1 |
| 14 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 21 | 0 |
| 15 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 19 | 1 |
| 16 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 18 | 2 |
| 17 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 17 | 0 |
| 18 | Young Boys | Denney | 16 | 0 |
| 19 | Headless Chickens | John N | 13 | 1 |
| 20 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 13 | 1 |
| 21 | St. Reatham FC | Mike | 13 | 1 |
| 22 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 11 | 0 |
| 23 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 6 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 21 | Suarez, L – LIV – STR | ||
| Club | This is Sparta…Prague |
