THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.
Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.
Kenna table – final standings
Weekly scores
|
Manager |
Points |
Goals |
||
|
1 |
Pikey Scum | Jack | 8 | 1 |
|
2 |
Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 7 | 1 |
|
3 |
PSV Mornington | El Pons | 7 | 1 |
|
4 |
KS West Green | Stix | 4 | 1 |
|
5 |
Team Panda Rules OK | George | 4 | 0 |
|
6 |
FC Testiculadew | James N | 2 | 0 |
|
7 |
Rapids De Cullons CF | Jorge | 2 | 0 |
|
8 |
Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 2 | 0 |
|
9 |
Judean Peoples Front | Sholto | 1 | 0 |
|
10 |
Just put Carles | Carles | 1 | 0 |
|
11 |
Newington Reds | Dudley | 1 | 0 |
|
12 |
Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 1 | 0 |
|
13 |
St. Reatham FC | Mike | 1 | 0 |
|
14 |
Bala Rinas | Lewis | 0 | 0 |
|
15 |
Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 0 | 0 |
|
16 |
Headless Chickens | John N | 0 | 0 |
|
17 |
Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 0 | 0 |
|
18 |
Dulwich Red Sox | Luke | 0 | 0 |
|
19 |
Piedmonte | Phil | 0 | 0 |
|
20 |
Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 0 | 0 |
|
21 |
Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 0 | 0 |
|
22 |
This is Sparta…Prague | Rich | 0 | 0 |
|
23 |
Young Boys | Denney | 0 | 0 |
|
Points |
Player | |||
| Player of the week |
8 |
Quinn, S – HUL – MID | ||
|
Club |
Unsigned |
