scum – The Jeff Kenna League

Window smashes records

More Kenna records were left as smashed as the managers last night as the transfer window attracted 14 bidders.

In a pressure-cooker atmosphere behind some thick curtains in the upstairs of a Piccadilly pub, 13 managers packed in for business.

The Thieving Magpies manager offered some applied phone bidding. Kevin Doyle and Gabriel Obertan were his reward.

Colonel Gaddafi and Vincent Tabak sadly couldn’t make it.

League leaders FC Testiculadew (pronounced ‘Test-ick-you-lah-joo’, didn’t you know?) picked up in form attacker Juan Mata for £31m, much to the concern of those present.

Emmanuel Adebayor attracted the biggest price tag as the Pikey Scum boss recovered from his night inside to stump up £43m.

“An excellent evening and well attended,” said the Chairman. “Managers should remember that their new players will only start to score points from next weekend.

“Those not present who needed players can be assured there was an open and transparent process to fill the gaps in their teams.”

Full details, and the results of the Cannestan Combi Cup draw, will be published soon.

Top five most expensive window signings

Emmanuel Adebayor – £43m (Pikey Scum)
Juan Mata – £31m (FC Testiculadew)
Gabby Agbonlahor – £22m (Bala Rinas)
Phil Jones – £22m (Newington Reds)
Leon Best – £16m (Headless Chickens)

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.