shane long – The Jeff Kenna League

Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013 — Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	50	4
2	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	39	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	2
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	1
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	0
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	3
8	Just put Carles	Carles	30	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	20	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	19	1
17	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
		Club	Wandsworth Window Lickers

Newington Reds (second window)

Manager: Mr Ben Dudley (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Kenny, P	QPR	£0.5m
Shawcross, R	STO	£9m
Jones, P	MUN	£22m
Riise, J	FUL	£8m
Vermaelen, T	ARS	£3m
Formica, M	BLR	£1.5m
Cahill, T	EVE	£11m
Nasri, S	MCY	£18m
Sinclair, S	SWA	£1.5m
Ba, D	NEW	£11m
Long, S	WBA	£0.5m
		£86m

Clucking banker

Cock: the Chickens boss has answered critics

Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.

Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.

All three players scored this week.

Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.

“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.

Struck by African absenteeism, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds both lost ground to FC Testiculadew.

Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.

Chickens Long past their Best

The Headless Chickens manager was left choking on his Christmas leftovers this week as former striker Dimitar Berbatov racked up over double the score of Leon Best and Shane Long.

The Bulgarian hitman scored 23 points over Christmas, while the Chickens’ current front two got 11 between them.

Chickens occupy tenth spot going into the New Year. They would look poised to move up the table, but for a lack of goals: only eight have been scored by the whole side this term.

“I have every confidence in every department of my team to produce the goods, not just Leon and Shane,” squawked the Chickens boss, whose £9m midfielder Pedersen is currently playing at left back.

Meanwhile, Lokomotiv Leeds extended their lead over FC Testiculadew at the top of the table, despite goals from FCT’s Dempsey and Mata.

Vasco De Beauvoir’s awful run of form has landed them in the relegation zone for the first time since before their double-winning 2009/10 season.

“The fans are starting to restless but I’m sure we can answer our critics with results on the pitch,” said the Vasco De Beauvoir gaffer-OUT, while trying to tempt Craig Gardner down from his hiding place in a tree.

Weekly scores - 29 December 2011 — Christmas was a points bonanza for some