Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment — Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013 — Week 35 – 7 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	46	1
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	40	0
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	35	0
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	32	2
6	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	30	3
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	30	1
8	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	28	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	26	0
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	1
12	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	22	0
14	Woking	Mike	21	1
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	21	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	15	1
19	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	13	0
20	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
		Club	PSV Mornington

Who will be the most mediocre Premier League players of 2012/13?

Stella Artois — Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade

SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.

While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.

As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.

Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.

For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.

Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.

Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.

The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.

Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.

Here’s a smattering of last summer’s Bramble players, some of whom could be eligible for selection again:

Shaun Wright-Phillips (good at running, not so at kicking)

Michael Owen (in his Indian summer, bench-warming role at Old Trafford)

Hendry Thomas (can circumstances become any more unglamorous than holding midfielder at Wigan?)

Danny Shittu (yes, yes, name and nature. An obvious choice)

Mamady Sidibie (has failed to live up to the ‘Big Mama’ sobriquet for the last couple of seasons)

King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII — King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”