Tag: soccer

Sporting wins wheeler dealer award

KENNA champions Sporting Lesbian won the league before the season even started and were most effective on the transfer market, it was revealed today.

Comparing the starting lineups of each club from way back in August, Sporting and Cowley Casuals emerged as one and two – as they did last month in the league proper.

In the transfer market, the Sporting manager was also most efficient, on average getting another 54 points out of each signing when he released Paulinho and Pablo Hernandez in favour of Nathan Dyer and Ahmed Elmohamady.

The FC Testiculadew manager was next biggest transfer shark, coaxing an average of 42 points from each of the eight players acquired in October and February.

This remarkable feat transformed the fortunes of a manager who didn’t even turn up to the pre-season auction and started with an automatically-picked team including Torres and Podolski.

Snaffling Christian Benteke after a sloppy autumn invocation of the Titus Bramble ruling by Fat Ladies would prove to be a decisive boost for the Tactical Brambler.

The chairman’s side KS West Green was the most hampered by the manager’s transfer activity, primarily due to the costly forfeit of Sergio Aguero in the February window.

While replacement Bramble player Fred ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot put the chairman’s integrity beyond probity, he failed to address more pressing problems both in front of goal. KS West Green lost nearly 20 points for every piece of transfer business the manager conducted.

Kenna HQ critics claim the research is slightly spurious, since it doesn’t take into account any points scored early season by players no longer listed, such as Alvaro Negredo of Judean Peoples’ Front, Andre Scheurrle of Team Panda Rules OK, Joel Campbell of Hoxton Pirates and Davide Santon of Pikey Scum to name but a clutch.

“This research is in no way slapdash,” said the chairman on the pavement outside the Holborn Whippet to a media briefing attended by a Kenna PR flunky, an elderly couple on holiday from Winnipeg looking for directions to the British Museum, and Metro Man.

“This is merely an indication of how good or bad managers have performed in the transfer market. There may be a few discrepancies with numbers, so I’m sure when someone takes the time to work it all out they’ll find KS West Green were by no means the worst windowed team this season.”

Meanwhile, gossip is rife over the futures of the three relegated managers.

The former Hoxton Pirates boss is said to be interested in a move to either the Wenlock Bucaneers or Shoreditch Sea Shanty.

The ex Fat Ladies manager is considering a role either with the Morbidly Obese Matrons or Corpulent Crones.

The outgoing Still Don’t Know Yet gaffer is reported to be unsure of his future.

Kenna starting XI league 2014-15
Kenna starting XI league 2014-15

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Fat losers

RETURN to the top flight of fantasy football has been a chastening experience for the Fat Ladies manager.

Crowned Kenna League champions in 2008, their first full season back after a three-year absence has left the Fat Ladies crying into their family-sized buckets of Hagen Daas watching Bridget Jones after a calamitous campaign where they have only managed one goal between them in 11 competitive weeks.

Daniel Sturridge, the manager’s £35m star signing, provided that solitary strike in the first week of proceedings before he succumbed to injury a fortnight later.

The manager has failed to coax even mediocrity out of his band of misfits since, and he finds his side bottom of the Kenna, trailing three managers who didn’t even attend the August auction.

Instead of the springboard to turn around the Fat Ladies’ misfortunes, October’s transfer window only compounded issues on the pitch.

Inexplicably, the manager failed to jettison Qatar-based training ground agitant Chico Flores, opting to wave goodbye to regular starter Fabrizio Coloccini from defence along with unfavoured Vlad Chiriches. In their place perennial Kenna desperation signing Phillipe Senderos arrived beside Central American dice throw Christian Gamboa.

In midfield, the decision was taken to swap Antonio Valencia for Ashley Young, essentially replacing one flakey black minority ethnic Manchester United winger with another. Events on the pitch have done nothing to allay criticism this was little more than an HR tick box exercise.

Nevertheless, it’s up front where the manager suffered his biggest howler. Christian Benteke looked a good August investment for £8m. Laid low with injury for a few weeks, he would surely burst into goalscoring form upon return.

Whether it was the unusually mild mid-October evening, the premium lager or the Hoxton Pirates manager threatening proceedings with a cutlass, somehow the Fat Ladies boss contrived to forfeit the Belgian goal machine under the Titus Bramble ruling. It was unlikely to be Danny Graham’s big comeback.

All of which means the Fat Ladies manager finds himself 11 points ahead and two goals behind the PSV Mornington’s efforts at the same point last season. The Catalan was sacked by Christmas.

So complete is the inadequacy permeating Fat Ladies Football Club that instead of half-and-half shirts and selfie sticks Asian supporters have begun to arrive at home games wearing surgical masks for fear it’s contagious.

And therein lies one ray of sunshine in the Fat Ladies manager’s whole sorry snafu: at least some cries of terrace dissent will be muffled.

Kenna table

Kenna table week 11 - 11 November 2014
Kenna table week 11 – 11 November 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Young Boys Denney 32 3
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 32 1
3 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 31 1
4 FC Tescticuladew James N 31 1
5 KS West Green Stix 30 4
6 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 1
7 Walthamstow Reds Dudley 26 0
8 Cowley Casuals Stu 26 0
9 Just Put Carles Carles 21 1
10 St Reatham FC Mike 20 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 19 0
12 Pikey Scum Jack 18 1
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 18 0
14 Piedmonte Phil 17 0
15 Judean People’s Front Sholto 15 0
16 Hoxton Pirates Abdi 15 0
17 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
18 Fat Ladies Ted 12 0
19 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 10 0
20 Team Panda Rules OK George 9 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Aguero, S – MCY – STR
Club KS West Green
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Case of the ‘missing’ strike force leaves Bikini Lane boss hanging by short and curlies

David Nugent
Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)

ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.

Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.

Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.

Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.

Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”

But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”

The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”

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Houston we have a Dynamo problem

Dynamo Sporting KC
Chicken wing tussle: Houston Dynamo defender Sofi Sarkodie (8) battles it out with Sporting KC striker Soony Saad (22) (photo: Troy Taormina-USA Today sports)

Will America’s left back solve the dynamism deficit at the BBVA Compass Stadium? The Kenna’s MLS correspondent the Team Panda Rules OK manager hopes so. 

WHEN World Cup veteran DaMarcus Beasley first lines up in the orange shirt of the Houston Dynamo, he may well wonder why all the energy appears to be being spent off the pitch.

Because if my visit to watch La Naranja is anything to go by, it’s only the fans who are giving the Texas team any spark.

The Dynamo were simply awful in their 2-0 home defeat to Sporting Kansas City – even allowing for the absence of midfield general Brad Davis, who was Brazil-bound with Jurgen et al at the time.

But as bad as the Orange Crush were, their fans were terrific throughout – creating an atmosphere in sharp contrast to the one I found on my previous sojourn to Chicago Fire.

In all there were 18,396 Forever Orange fanatics pumped into the downtown stadium, which is just a short walk from the thoroughly recommended Flying Saucer and El Big Bad bars.

There were drums. A tangerine-faced version of Darth Maul. And at least a hundred Hispanic diehards blissfully unaware that their chants fitted perfectly with the melody of Karma Chameleon.

Well, this Boy George was impressed – and not just because the Dos Equis was flowing for a mere $10 a pop.

The majority of the noise – and it was constant – came from 200-300 standing fans behind one of the goals.

They didn’t let up for a second following the national anthem, and a bizarre pre-match video which saw Dynamo winger Andrew Driver boot a box of cereal and then a Battlefield Earth DVD into the air.

Driver, and his fellow Englishman Giles Barnes, would struggle to displace the chairman from his occasional appearance at Catford Power League on this showing (ouch! – the chairman).

Like the rest of the Dynamo, they were limp as could be, despite the advantage of the early sending off of Kansas midfielder, Antonio Dovale – an event which resulted in one orange-clad fan removing an actual red card from his pocket and waving it at the pitch.

From their rivals, only Seth Sinovic caught the eye – forever foraging down the left in the very realistic hope of finding more erratic Dynamo defending.

The experience of Beasley, who joined this week with Honduran midfielder Luis Garrido, will surely pay dividends both on and off the pitch.

I say off the pitch because the Texans have a very impressive club shop, with prices far more reasonable than their Windy City equivalents.

One expects a few Beasley shirts will be sold over the coming weeks. On this evidence, there aren’t many other names worth choosing from.

++You can read more about the Houston Dynamo on their website.

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‘Wronged’ 2010 World Cup manager vows revenge

 

Wesley Sneijder 2010
Wesley Sneijder scores another ‘goal’ for Nelson’s Column during the the Dr Khumalo 2010 World Cup (photo: LizNN7)

THE 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup runner up says he is out to ‘settle old scores’ at this summer’s tournament in Brazil, which starts next week.

South Afrikaans Are Racist Santander narrowly missed out on the top spot four years ago after a FIFA technical study group controversially awarded two goals to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder.

The notches helped the Nelson’s Column manager, who is also chairman of the Kenna League, win the Dr Khumalo World Cup and become the first in history to win a Kenna league and cup domestic double and international tournament in the same year.

“I’ve got a score to settle, there’s no doubt about,” said the SAARS boss in a press conference ahead of next Thursday’s Emerson World Cup auction.

“With Gonzalo Higuaín, Mesut Özil and Carlos Puyol on fire in 2010, I fully deserved to win that trophy. The chairman’s only decent signing was Iker Casillas in goal. The rest of the side were an utter shower, and the authorities should never have allowed those Wesley Sneijder ‘goals’,” he said, holding both hands at head height and slowly curling his index fingers twice.

Many at the time agreed with this assessment. Victory for Nelson’s Column had appeared unimaginable after the 2010 pre-tournament auction, held in the Edgar Wallace just off the Strand, when the chairman ended up with a strike partnership of Angelos Charisteas and The Yak.

But Nelson’s Column went on to win the World Cup by five points in a nail biting contest.

The rivalry will be one of many fascinating sub-plots at next week’s auction, named after Brazilian Middlesbrough flop Emerson.

A total of 15 managers have confirmed entry into the competition which, despite growing concerns about whether the venue will be ready on time, is to be held at the Union Tavern, Clerkenwell.

Managers will use their £100m war chest to buy 11 players in a tried-and-tested-at-international-level 4-4-2 formation, while adhering to the quota of one player per nationality.

Any side found to have exceeded the nationality quota or going over budget will be subjected to the draconian Titus Bramble forfeit. Their most desirable player will be removed and replaced with a bogey footballer.

The 23-man Titus Bramble squad, made up of players least likely to make an impact from the top 23-ranked countries, is due to be announced early next week.

Sources close to organisers say Frank Lampard, Phillipe Senderos and reserve Spain goalkeeper and hanger-on-party-guy Pepe Reina are among those set to feature.

The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through

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Kenna winner makes ceremony demands

Yaya Toure
Where the cake at? (photo: Angel Tapia)

YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.

A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.

First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.

The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”

In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.

The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.

“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.

“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.

“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”

The ceremony is due to take place ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction at a London pub next month.

The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.

A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.

“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.

FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2

Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10

Bala Rinas: £50
Kenna League third place: £50

Judean Peoples’ Front: £20
Wenger Trophy (4th place): £20

Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each
August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart - Kenna League 2013/14
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
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Transfer night turd ‘cost me third’

Chocolate hostage
Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)

THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.

Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.

The JPF manager, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, says an untimely visit to the pub gents during the transfer window in February meant he missed out on key target Samir Nasri. The Frenchman’s services would have ensured JPF a place on the podium.

As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.

The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.

“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.

“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”

This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.

Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.

The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.

Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.

Had the Piedmonte manager kept the French midfielder he would now be sitting on the Kenna throne.

Instead, it is FC Testiculadew who today were confirmed as winners of the league, to be added to last week’s Canesten Combi Cup victory.

Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”

In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.

“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”

The league committee will be reviewing pub buffet arrangements ahead of the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction next month.

Kenna table – final standings

Kenna wk 37 - 20 May 2014
Kenna wk 37 – 20 May 2014

Weekly scores

Manager

Points

Goals

1

 Pikey Scum Jack  8   1 

2

 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden  7   1 

3

 PSV Mornington El Pons  7   1 

4

 KS West Green Stix  4   1 

5

 Team Panda Rules OK George  4   0 

6

 FC Testiculadew James N  2   0

7

 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge  2   0 

8

 Sporting Lesbian Ben M  2   0

9

 Judean Peoples Front Sholto  1   0 

10

 Just put Carles Carles  1   0 

11

 Newington Reds Dudley  1   0 

12

 Northern Monkeys Hugo   1   0 

13

 St. Reatham FC Mike   1   0 

14

 Bala Rinas Lewis  0   0 

15

 Dynamo Charlton Alex  0   0 

16

 Headless Chickens John N  0   0

17

 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S  0   0

18

 Dulwich Red Sox Luke  0   0 

19

 Piedmonte Phil  0   0 

20

 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi  0   0 

21

 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete  0   0 

22

 This is Sparta…Prague Rich  0   0 

23

 Young Boys Denney  0  0 

Points

 Player
Player of the week

8

 Quinn, S – HUL – MID

Club

 Unsigned
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FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome
Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vym3HNLDkIc]

Kenna table

Kenna table week 36 - 13May14
Kenna table week 36 – 13May14

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 55 6
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 47 3
3 FC Testiculadew James N 37 3
4 St. Reatham FC Mike 36 2
5 Newington Reds Dudley 36 0
6 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 33 0
7 Team Panda Rules OK George 32 0
8 Pikey Scum Jack 31 2
9 Just put Carles Carles 31 1
10 Piedmonte Phil 31 0
11 Headless Chickens John N 29 1
12 Northern Monkeys Hugo 28 2
13 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 28 1
14 Young Boys Denney 28 1
15 Dynamo Charlton Alex 26 0
16 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 24 0
17 KS West Green Stix 20 1
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 18 0
19 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 16 1
21 PSV Mornington El Pons 14 1
22 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 10 0
23 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 6 0
Points Player
Player of the week 18 Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
Club Dynamo Charlton
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‘Kurwa’ suds

Toucans
Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.

TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.

Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.

During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.

What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.

First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.

It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.

Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.

It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).

Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.

Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.

In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.

Kenna table

Kenna week 35 - 6 May 2014
Kenna week 35 – 6 May 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 Newington Reds Dudley 38 2
2 Bala Rinas Lewis 38 1
3 Piedmonte Phil 36 1
4 Pikey Scum Jack 32 2
5 Just put Carles Carles 30 2
6 FC Testiculadew James N 28 2
7 Headless Chickens John N 28 0
8 Team Panda Rules OK George 27 1
9 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 26 2
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 22 1
11 PSV Mornington El Pons 22 1
12 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 22 0
13 St. Reatham FC Mike 20 1
14 KS West Green Stix 19 1
15 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 19 0
16 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 19 0
17 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 18 1
18 Dynamo Charlton Alex 17 0
19 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 17 0
20 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 13 0
21 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 13 0
22 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 11 1
23 Young Boys Denney 10 0
Points Player
Player of the week 12 Weimann, A – AVL – STR
Club Unsigned
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Only one Breivik kidney

The Ox and the KS West Green manager
Athletes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and the KS West Green manager

ROUTS don’t come much more convincing than FC Testiculadew’s league win two seasons ago, but the same manager is poised to scoop another title with ease albeit without making such a mockery of the other competitors.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Jonjo Shelvey, Mesut Ozil and a brace from Juan Mata have put FC Testiculadew 61 points clear of the nearest challenger with three weeks to go – all but delivering the trophy to the self-confessed Tactical Brambler.

For a while the Piedmonte manager appeared to be making a genuine case for a grandstand finish, but like a Nigerian striker getting in his 4×4 after an ambiguous conversation with a club suit, that looks to have petered out.

Despite also showing strong signs of promise in the manager’s fifth Kenna season, Judean Peoples’ Front failed to live up to the task. Now more than 100 points off the leaders, the Anders Brievik lookalike‘s woes add fuel to the argument that to be truly competitive at this level a manager needs both kidneys.

The organ grinder is still calling the tune for the dancing monkeys battling it out for fourth. The debutant manager of Team Panda Rules OK saw his side come to within two points of the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas. Defending champions Sporting Lesbian also compete.

A remarkable turnaround this season has come from Young Boys of Vauxhall. The manager made eight changes to his struggling side at the February transfer window and this week finds his side climbing one place further from the danger zone.

Taking to social media last week, the Young Boys manager was quick to point out the prolific form of controversial signing Martin ‘the ginned up lollypop lady’ Demichelis in comparison to other more recognised names.

The KS West Green manager was only to happy to remind his midfielder Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain of this little stat when he bumped into him at a charity dinner last night.

Kenna table

Kenna week 34 - 29 April 2014
Kenna week 34 – 29 April 2014

Weekly scores

Manager Points Goals
1 FC Testiculadew James N 53 5
2 St. Reatham FC Mike 41 3
3 Lokomotiv Leeds Ben S 34 3
4 Team Panda Rules OK George 33 1
5 Bala Rinas Lewis 30 0
6 Piedmonte Phil 28 1
7 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 28 1
8 Young Boys Denney 27 0
9 Judean Peoples Front Sholto 26 1
10 Northern Monkeys Hugo 25 1
11 Headless Chickens John N 23 1
12 Pikey Scum Jack 22 2
13 Newington Reds Dudley 22 1
14 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 22 1
15 PSV Mornington El Pons 20 1
16 KS West Green Stix 20 0
17 Dynamo Charlton Alex 18 0
18 Rapids De Cullons CF Jorge 13 0
19 Just put Carles Carles 11 0
20 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 10 0
21 This is Sparta…Prague Rich 10 0
22 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 6 0
23 Dulwich Red Sox Luke 5 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Wickham, C – SUN – STR
Club Unsigned
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