soccer – Page 17 – The Jeff Kenna League

Who will be the most mediocre Premier League players of 2012/13?

Stella Artois — Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade

SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.

While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.

As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.

Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.

For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.

Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.

Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.

The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.

Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.

Here’s a smattering of last summer’s Bramble players, some of whom could be eligible for selection again:

Shaun Wright-Phillips (good at running, not so at kicking)

Michael Owen (in his Indian summer, bench-warming role at Old Trafford)

Hendry Thomas (can circumstances become any more unglamorous than holding midfielder at Wigan?)

Danny Shittu (yes, yes, name and nature. An obvious choice)

Mamady Sidibie (has failed to live up to the ‘Big Mama’ sobriquet for the last couple of seasons)

Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012 auction night – in pictures

IN MAY this year 14 intrepid souls gathered in a south London pub ahead of Euro 2012 to take part in a fantasy football auction.

With a budget of £100m, each manager had to buy 11 internationals who they thought would perform the best over three weeks in Poland and Ukraine.

The manager of the team with the most points at the end would claim the prestigious Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup, collecting a cash prize and the coveted, replica, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Over four hours, exclusively broadcast live on Twitter, participants had to pick their team in a 4-4-2 formation which could not contain more than one player from each country.

Failure to adhere to these rules would lead to the dreaded Titus Bramble ruling – the illegal player is removed and replaced with a forfeit player.

Managers had to overcome the added challenge of British round culture. The Albert Arms enjoyed a brisk trade.

The auction became the most controversial in eight years with one manager threatening to resign half way through the evening and another found to be engaged in the heinous act of ‘tactical Brambling’ – deliberately buying an illegal player to give himself a financial advantage late on in proceedings.

The Eurosceptics manager went on to win the tournament after a thrilling final night in Kiev.

Ahead of the English Premier League season, beginning next month, managers will convene to take part in the traditional Kenna auction at another London pub.

The auction is due to be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

All photos were kindly taken by World of Tim 2.

Olisadebe review: the best, the worst, the mediocre

UTOYA ISLAND XI’s back five rocked the record books by failing to register a single point between them for the whole Olisadebe Euro 2012 tournament.

It is the first time in Kenna history that a team’s goalkeeper and four defenders scored nil points in a competition.

The defensive shower of Shay Given, Per Mertesacker, Andrea Ranocchia, Marcus Antonsson and Dejan Lovren either put in an awful shift or didn’t even go to Poland or Ukraine due to form or injury.

“Obviously some of my targets didn’t come off,” said the Utoya manager, whose strike force of Ronaldo and Lovenkrands were named the most mediocre of the contest.

Don’t Know Yet, whose manager was making his debut, had the surprise top strike force of Fernando Torres and Titus Bramble player Georgios Samaras.

Team

Best – The Euroscpetics: 157 points
Worst – Make Party: 76 points

Player

Best – Jordi Alba (The Eurosceptics): 39 points
Worst – Wojciech Szczesny (Testiculadewland), John O’Shea (Just FEMEN): -1 point each

Strike force

Best – Samaras and Torres (Don’t Know Yet): 39 points
Worst – Ben Arfa and Kuyt (Bwing on the Euwos): 5 points
Most mediocre – Ronaldo and Lovenkrands (Utoya Island XI): 24 points (average: 24.21)

Midfield

Best – Xavi, Pirlo, Gerrard and Veloso (Every Pole’s a Goal): 72 points
Worst – Lampard, Robben, Malouda and Pranjic (Don’t Know Yet): 17 points
Most mediocre – Tziolis, The Ox, Ozil and Konoplyanka (Testiculadewland): 45 points (average: 43.28)

Defence

Best – Cech, Alba, Terry, Alves and K Papadopoulos (The Eurosceptics): 85 points
Worst – Given, Mertesacker, Ranocchia, Antonsson and Lovren (Utoya Island XI): 0 (zero) points
Most mediocre – dead heat between Kranjar, Silva, Rosicky and Husyev (Hoodyanika Bolokov), and, de Jong, Khedira, Busquets and Erikson (The Horn of Africa): 45 poins each (average 42.71)

Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012: final standings

Swedish fans and the Chairman — Off their Swedes: The Chairman meets Scandinavian fans

THE FINAL Emmanuel Olisadebe table was announced today, with The Eurosceptics officially confirmed as champions.

Jordi Alba put the title beyond doubt with a goal and clean sheet in last night’s Kiev final.

The Spanish wing back also earned his manager an additional £60 as the top-scoring individual player of the contest.

In an official Kenna statement the Chairman said:

“Once we overcame the difficulties surrounding the pre-tournament auction, the competition was one of the closest we’ve had. Well done to all managers involved,” said the Chairman.

“We also built some important diplomatic links with other nations, although we’re not sure they really liked it that much.

“Our next challenge is to prepare for the domestic Kenna auction. Our priority is to eliminate that most heinous crime of ‘tactical Brambling‘ and to identify the next crop of forfeit players.”

Full scores for each team can be downloaded from the ‘Details’ box at the right hand side of the page.

Final table


		Manager	Points	Goals
1	The Eurosceptics (Champions)	Alex	157	5
2	Testiculadewland	James	145	3
3	Bwing on the Euwos	Denney	124	4
4	Everybody Gdansk Now	Ben	121	3
5	Every Pole’s a Goal	Lewis	115	2
6	Just Femen	Claire	107	5
7	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	John	106	2
8	The Horn of Africa	Abdi	105	4
9	Hoodunika Bolokov	Jack	103	4
10	Just Put Warsaw	Carles	103	1
11	Chernobyl Forlov	Aiden	95	5
12	Don’t know yet	Ball	93	4
13	Utoya Island 11	Sholto	78	9
14	Make Party	Stix	76	2

Individual top scorers

	Player	Team	Position	TotalGoals	TotalPoints
1	Alba, J	The Eurosceptics	DEF	1	39
2	Casillas, I	Everybody Gdansk Now	GK	0	37
3	Pique, G	Testiculadewland	DEF	0	36
4	Ramos, S	Bwing on the Euwos	DEF	0	35
5	Ozil, M	Testiculadewland	MID	1	33
6	Iniesta, A	Bunga Bunga Euro Tour	MID	0	32
7	Silva, D	Hoodyanika Bolokov	MID	2	31
8	Arbeloa, A	Just Put Warsaw	DEF	0	30
9	Fabregas, C	Just FEMEN	MID	2	30
10	Balotelli, M	Just FEMEN	STR	3	29
11	Pirlo, A	Every Pole’s a Goal	MID	1	28
12	Gomez, M	Chernobyl Forlov	STR	3	27
13	Pepe	The Horn of Africa	DEF	1	26
14	Ronaldo, C	Utoya Island XI	STR	3	24
15	Torres, F	Don’t Know Yet	STR	3	24
16	Nani	Make Party	MID	0	23

Eurosceptics win Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012

Honorary girl — Booby prize: Make Party came last

A GOAL and a clean sheet from Jordi Alba handed The Eurosceptics the Emmanuel Olisadebe title in Kiev tonight.

The international debut manager fought off a challenge from controversial Testiculadewland to scoop the £100 cash prize and the replica, imitation, unofficial Emmanuel Olisadebe Poland shirt.

Alba was also the top individual points scorer, earning his gaffer a further £60.

“Now if it could have happened with an Italy win I’d have won the office sweepstake as well!” said the jubilant Euroscpetics boss.

T-land picked up £50 for second place, while Bwing on the Euwos trousered £20 for third.

“I’m faiwly happy with bronze,” said the Bwing on the Euwos manager.

Disappointing Make Party, whose manager won the World Cup in 2012, came last collecting the Olisadebe’s wooden spoon – an ‘Honorary girl’ badge.

“We back go to draw board,” said the Make Party boss.

Full, confirmed results will be published soon.

Olisadebe showdown – live on Twitter

TONIGHT’S FINAL showdown between The Eurosceptics and Testiculadewlandwill be tweeted live @jeffkennaleague.

Just three points separate the teams, who are vying for honours in the Emmanual Olisadebe European Cup, not to mention winning the coveted unofficial, replica, imitation Poland shirt (with superficial damage).

Neutrals will be hoping leaders The Eurosceptics, represented by Jordi Alba and Antonio Cassano in Kiev, will take the prize.

The T-land manager became the contest’s pantomime villain after unsavoury deception was exposed in the pre-tournament auction.

Italy’s Bonucci and Spain’s Piqué are likely starters for controversial T-land.

In the third-place battle Bwing on the Euwos (Buffon and Ramos) have a four-point advantage over Everybody Gdansk Now‘s Iker Casillas.

Make Party (Maggio) and Utoya Island XI (Ranocchia and Alonso), who share last place going into the game, will both be looking to avoid the wooden spoon.

Scoring

Players are awarded two points for starting the match, five for scoring a goal, three for an assist and one point for coming on as a sub.

One point is docked for a yellow card, three for a red and three for missing a penalty.

Defenders and goalkeepers get four points for a clean sheet. A point is deducted for two goals scored against their team, two points taken off for three goals and three points for four goals etc.

Goalies collect five points for saving a penalty.

Cassano holds final key

DESPITE an injury-time penalty from Mesut Özil, The Eurosceptics hold onto a slender lead going into Sunday’s final.

An Antonio Cassano assist was enough to keep a sliver of daylight between the leaders and Testiculadewland.

The boffins at Kenna HQ reckon that a 0-0 or 1-0 win to Italy in Kiev, without Cassano assisting or scoring would hand T-land the title.

Bwing on the Euwos will be hoping for the goalless draw so Buffon and Ramos can secure third place.

Fourth-placed Everybody Gdansk Now’s Casillas will have to save a couple of penalties to challenge.

At the other end Make Party and Utoya Island XI are in a dead heat for last place.

Manager Points Goals
1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 144 4
2 Testiculadewland James Norris 141 3
3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 119 4
4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3
5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 105 2
6 Just Femen Claire Forysth 100 5
7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 99 4
8 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 99 2
9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 98 3
10 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 97 1
11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 87 4
12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 84 3
13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9
14 Make Party Six 76 2

Sagres back in the fridge

ONE SEMI final down and The Eurosceptics hold the lead by a narrow four-point margin.

Bruno Alves’ penalty miss, so ably assisted by Make Party’s Luis Nani, left the door ajar for Testiculadewland’s Piqué and Contraõ.

Tonight The Eurosceptics’ Cassano and Podolski take on T-lands’ Özil and Bonucci.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations dept reckon the thyroid-assisted German/Turkish string puller holds the key.

Manager Points Goals

1 The Eurosceptics Alex Bass 137 4

2 Testiculadewland James Norris 133 2

3 Bwing on the Euwos Denney 117 4

4 Everybody Gdansk Now Ben Dudley 115 3

5 Every Pole’s a Goal Seimon Lewis 102 2

6 Bunga Bunga Euro Tour John Norris 97 2

7 The Horn of Africa Abdi Ali 96 4

8 Just Put Warsaw Carles Duz 96 1

9 Hoodunika Bolokov Jack 95 3

10 Just Femen Claire Forysth 87 3

11 Chernobyl Forlov Aiden Brisland 83 4

12 Don’t know yet Pete Ball 83 3

13 Utoya Island 11 Sholto 76 9

14 Make Party Six 75 2

Özil takes individual lead

THREE CLEAN sheets and some majestic, quarter final string pulling from Mesut Özil have put Testiculadewland well in contention for the Olisadebe.

The team’s controversial manager, who was found to be deliberately breaking the rules – or ‘tactical Brambling’ – in the pre-tournament auction, now finds himself in second place.

“Piqué, Contraõ and Bonucci put in some fine defensive displays, and to be in this position now even with a gap in the original team is a big plus,” said the Testiculadewland manager, possibly hinting at Karim Benzema’s selection.

Leaders The Eurosceptics head into this week’s semi finals as favourites for the title with Lukas Podolski, Antonio Cassano, Jordi Alba and Bruno Alves all due to start.

At the other end there’s a downright pathetic party being made by the current world champion manager.

With most of the team already thrown out and just Jerome Boateng, Nani, the suspended Maggio and the guys from the chess club playing Xbox in the living room left, the Make Party boss has admitted his festivity planning had been seriously miscalculated.

“We excited for bit because gram-stripper come, but some joker make this roll-poll ebony,” said the Make Party manager, before reading a gift card marked only ‘Chernobyl Forlov‘.

Sceptical knockout

THE EUROSCEPTICS have emerged from the Euro 2012 group stages as serious contenders for the Olisadebe.

A full 19 points ahead of the pack with seven games to go, the international debutants will be hard to catch, especially with a key player from each of the quarter finalists in their ranks.

“It’s been going well so far, but I’m not taking any risks. These knockout stages can be a bit of a lottery, like signing up to a single currency with a country whose national economy is based on smashing plates,” said the Sceptics manager.

The chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department agree on the uncertainty of knockout stages, but assert that the groups have been largely predictable.

In Group A, Czech Republic have European tournament pedigree and Greek phalanx has fought with its customary blunt effectiveness.

Germany dominated Group B and Portugal picked up the rewards of Holland’s customary morale breakdown.

Despite creative midfield flair, Croatia were unable to overcome Spanish dominance and that familiar Italian pragmatism in Group C. Ireland are good at singing.

And in Group D, the two favourites went through with a shouting match in the French dressing room.

So all in all the competition’s been exciting, but pretty much where the chalkstripes said we’d be.

Meanwhile, Chernobyl Forlov’s Mario Gomez leads the individual points scoring total with 24.

Hoodyanika Bolokov’s David Silva is a close second with 20.

In bureaucratic news, the Chairman’s looking forward to watching tonight’s match at a dusty, white-patio-chaired, Portuguese bar later.

“I ate a chicken piri piri for lunch that knocks Nando’s into a cocked hat,” he said.

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