First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (1st)
No changes.
Formation: 4-3-3
Remaining budget: £10.5m
Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (4th)
In
Barry Bennell – HMP Kenna midfielder – £7m
Adlene Guedioura – Middlesborough midfielder – £2m
Daniel Sturridge – Liverpool striker – £8m
Out
Gigi Wijnaldum – Liverpool midfielder – lost on a Bramble
Kelechi Iheanacho – Man City striker – free
Joshua King – Bournemouth striker – £13m to Walthamstow Reds
Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.
At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.
Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.
Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)
KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.
Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.
Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.
The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.
@jeffkennaleague I’ve proven I’m here on merit and all these idiots saying im a job stealing foreigner are wide of the mark etc etc
In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.
It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.
Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.
Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)
A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.
The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.
“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.
Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.
Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”
Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.
Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.
Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager
The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.
“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”
*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”
Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble
THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.
Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.
Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.
50p: “He’s a spent force.”
The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.
“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.
But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.
“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.
The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.
Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.
Seasoned mariner
A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.
“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.
Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague
