Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”