spartak – The Jeff Kenna League

JPF boss refutes lookalike claims

Fjord defence: JPF boss was quick to refute lookalike claims

DESPITE goals from Robin Van Persie and Ramires this week, Judean Peoples’ Front are yet again struggling to maintain their public image.

The club’s press office was sent into overdrive as world events came crashing through the door of the Kenna and right into the mid-table club.

As millions of people watched the trial of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik it dawned. He looks remarkably like the JPF manager.

The media immediately began drawing parallels. The remorselessness shown by the Bond villain henchman-esque Scandinavian was likened to that of the JPF boss during the Ashley Williams transfer affair.

Eager to avoid a repeat of that last PR disaster, the JPF boss was quick to call a press conference.

“Now look here, I may have told the odd ginger joke and don’t get me started on the bloody English, but I share none of Breivik’s extremist views on multiculturalism,” said the manager of the team with one of the fewest black minority ethnic players in the league.

Official league equality and inclusion champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager, no stranger to heavily-armed men in wetsuits turning up uninvited, was not convinced.

“Yarrr! Ye all be rac1sts,” he yo-ho-hoed.

Next week: finalists for the Cannestan Combi Cup will be decided as the semi final second leg results due.

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.