sports – The Jeff Kenna League

FCT Veuve leaves challengers Pol Rogered

Tour De France Champagne Chris Froome — Frooming marvellous: FC Testiculadew will spend the last competitive week of the Kenna cruising to victory

DURING the final stage of the Tour de France it’s customary for the cyclist wearing the yellow jersey to toast his journey into Paris with a glass of champagne.

Even though there are still 100 or so kilometres to go at the start of the day, a challenge for the top spot in cycling on such a flat leg is considered over after a month of punishing mountains, gruelling time trials and simple French country folk. It’s also considered ungentlemanly.

Ironic then that the man who killed the chivalrous spirit of the Kenna by discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling finds himself in a similar champagne finish in the league this week as his team march inexorably towards the elysian fields of an unprecedented second Kenna double.

A goal from Juan Mata and two from the irrepressible Edin Dzeko saw FC Testiculadew beat Northern Monkeys 3-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup final this week. FCT now only have one more match to negotiate until adding the league title to a groaning club trophy cabinet.

Barring an unlikely 12 goals on Saturday from second-placed Piedmonte‘s Shane Long, the FCT manager will pick up two Kenna doubles in three seasons, potentially making him the most successful Kenna boss of all time.

Agonisingly for the Piedmonte manager, the fact remains that getting rid of Samir Nasri at the February transfer window cost him the league.

In the battle for third, the league treasurer’s team Bala Rinas are putting in a sprint finish to stake a claim over rival Welshman the Judean Peoples’ Front manager.

JPF were in the top three for 13 weeks until now, but are in danger of dropping even further down the table if Team Panda Rules OK striker Olivier Giroud can continue his streak this weekend, or in the remote chance Ahmed Elmohamady and Laurent Koscielny have the game of their lives for Pikey Scum.

In the jostle of the peloton no amount of substance abuse will make the season anything but an exercise in mediocrity.

Bringing up the rear in Bramble Jerseys, the bottom three found themselves aching and tangled in a barbed wire fence on a rural roadside in the Auvergne sometime ago. P45s await, or in one case was an early Christmas present.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vym3HNLDkIc]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	55	6
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	47	3
3	FC Testiculadew	James N	37	3
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	36	0
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	0
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	32	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	31	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	31	0
11	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
13	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	1
14	Young Boys	Denney	28	1
15	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	24	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	20	1
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	0
19	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	17	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	1
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	14	1
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	10	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	6	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	18	Zabaleta, P – MCY – DEF
	Club	Dynamo Charlton

‘Kurwa’ suds

Toucans in the park: Standard procedure for Polish customers of Kenna HQ’s neighbourhood off licence…and now the Piedmonte manager too.

TURKISH convenience stores seldom come less complete than the premises around the corner from Kenna HQ.

Marathon opening hours, ready access to tonic water and fresh limes, and a proprietor always up for a discussion on the latest developments at Galatasaray mean the chairman is often found locked in conversation over a can of Coke, litre of Delmonte orange juice or 10 Camel Lights.

During one particularly lengthy debate on the decline of Wesley Sneijder while buying a 750ml bottle of Leffe Brune, it emerged the shop’s cash cow is beer, a large array of which dominates one refrigerated wall.

What has this to do with the Kenna title race? There are two parallels.

First, much like Gala in the Turkish Super Lig, Piedmonte find themselves well and truly beaten into second place this week. Two goals from Edin Dzeko have put FC Testiculadew well in control of the Kenna: 53 points ahead with 10 days to go.

It would take hat-tricks from Shane Long, Peter Odemwingie, Mark Noble, Jason Puncheon and no more slip ups from Steve Gerrard this Sunday to get Pies back in contention. A remote scenario considering the second parallel.

Tweeting a photo of two cans of Polish beer about to be consumed in public can only confirm the Piedmonte boss has lost interest in his side’s pursuit of the Kenna title and has turned into the average customer of the International Food Centre.

Gotta love an 8.30am train to Oldham! C’mon You Pies! @Official_NCFC #stayingup #ShaunDerrysBlackAndWhiteArmy pic.twitter.com/XV71tbKNLl

— Phil Davis (@PhillyD55) May 3, 2014

It’s only a matter of time before he’s sitting on a park bench in an obscure replica football shirt, fiercely telling anyone who’ll listen about the two times he almost won the Kenna, while seamlessly inserting the word ‘kurwa’ three times into each sentence without breaking syntax (see demonstration below).

Looking ahead to this weekend, the FC Testiculadew manager has the chance to scoop his second double in three seasons as his team face Northern Monkeys in the Canesten Combi Cup final.

Considering FCT have scored 2.83 goals a week for the last six and Northern Monkeys just 1.16, the bookies are favouring the Tactical Brambler.

Should the tie be a draw, the final will be decided on number of points scored.

In the unlikely event the two sides are equal on goals and points, a tie breaker will be played over the last weekend of the season, on goals then points.

Kenna table

Kenna week 35 - 6 May 2014 — Kenna week 35 – 6 May 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Newington Reds	Dudley	38	2
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
3	Piedmonte	Phil	36	1
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	32	2
5	Just put Carles	Carles	30	2
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	28	2
7	Headless Chickens	John N	28	0
8	Team Panda Rules OK	George	27	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	22	1
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	1
12	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	22	0
13	St. Reatham FC	Mike	20	1
14	KS West Green	Stix	19	1
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
16	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	19	0
17	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	18	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	17	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	17	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	13	0
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	1
23	Young Boys	Denney	10	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	12	Weimann, A – AVL – STR
	Club	Unsigned

Belgians broken but Bramble Baron on brink of bumper brace

KEVIN Mirallas and Christian Benteke may be a mini Belgian injury crisis for FC Testiculadew, but the club still moved one step closer to a second Kenna double in three campaigns this week with an assured display.

On his way to the physio’s bench winger Mirallas notched two goals to put the side managed by the founder of tactical Brambling both in the Canesten Combi Cup final and extend their lead over Piedmonte to 36 points.

Hopes of snatching the title at the final fence look even more remote for the Piedmonte manager even though his side put in another solid week led again by Jason Puncheon. If only he’d kept Samir Nasri – the Frenchman picked up a goal and an assist to help Bala Rinas into fourth place.

With just four weeks left of the season and relegation all but rubber stamped for the bottom three clubs, the race for the Wenger Trophy is shaping up to take centre stage in the league’s remaining narrative.

Just 30 points separate the five clubs floating around the final prize spot, and the cast are varied: Sporting Lesbian are defending champions, Team Panda Rules OK debutants and the other three managers are league committee members yet to find silverware in the quagmire of political intrigue at Kenna HQ.

Another subplot is the miraculous cup run of Northern Monkeys. The manager voiced concerns over the ability of Samuel Eto’o and Fabio Borini back in February, but the pair earned the Monkeys a place in the final at the expense of a toothless St Reatham FC.

It seems unlikely the Monkeys’ luck will continue into the pageantry of that May afternoon. With David Silva possibly out injured for the rest of the season, the midfield consists of Antonio Valencia, Stewart Downing and forfeit player Stuart Hazell.

No amount of cash in the attic could buy a goal for that lot.

Road to the Canesten Combi Cup final

Kenna table

Kenna week 33 - 22 April 2014 — Kenna week 33 – 22 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	60	5
2	KS West Green	Stix	48	2
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	41	2
4	FC Testiculadew	James N	41	2
5	Team Panda Rules OK	George	41	1
6	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	37	2
7	St. Reatham FC	Mike	35	0
8	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	30	2
10	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	2
11	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
12	Piedmonte	Phil	30	1
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	23	1
17	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	20	1
18	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	17	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	16	1
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	16	0
21	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	14	0
23	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	13	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	24	Podolski, L – ARS – STR
	Club	Sporting Lesbian

Kenna HQ in tie-break farce

BLUNDERING blazers at Kenna HQ are desperately scrabbling to find a tie-break solution after chances mounted this week that the top two clubs could end the season on the same points and goals.

Another notch from in-form Jason Puncheon and an assist from Steve Gerrard helped Piedmonte close the gap on league leaders FC Testiculadew to just 25 points. With five weeks left of the campaign only two goals scored separates the sides.

What’s now being billed as the closest Kenna title race ever could turn into a shambles as bungling officials at league headquarters admitted there was no contingency plan should two sides end level on points and goals scored.

An extraordinary committee meeting was convoked earlier today to discuss a solution.

Leaked minutes revealed the Kenna executive is considering a number of tie-break options, which include going down to points scored in the final week, ranking the teams on the number of clean sheets kept or declaring the 10-month competition a draw.

One committee member even suggested managers sending in a one-minute video plea for the championship so the rest of the league could vote on the most deserving.

The news will be of severe concern to both the Piedmonte and FCT managers, the former hoping for his first title in nine years of trying and the latter in the hunt for an unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double.

Should the FCT manager win the league outright, he could rue his team’s Canesten Combi Cup semi-final performance this weekend. The former cup winners failed to register an away goal in their sibling derby with Headless Chickens.

In the other semi, Northern Monkeys took a two-goal lead over St Reatham FC thanks to Per Mertesacker and David Silva.

The second leg will take place this weekend.

Canesten Combi Cup semi-final first leg results

Northern Monkeys 2 – 0 St Reatham FC

Headless Chickens 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Kenna table

Kenna week 32 - 15 April 2014 — Kenna week 32 – 15 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Team Panda Rules OK	George	32	1
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	29	1
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	0
4	Piedmonte	Phil	25	1
5	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	0
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	0
7	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	0
8	KS West Green	Stix	23	0
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	22	2
10	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	20	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	20	0
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
14	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	17	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0
16	Young Boys	Denney	16	0
17	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	15	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	0
19	FC Testiculadew	James N	13	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	11	1
21	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	7	0
23	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	12	Fabianski, L – ARS – GK
	Club	Unsigned

Stewart Downing leaves managers frowning

POOR Stewart Downing.

His only crime was to have a left foot and enough talent to get him into the top flight of domestic football.

Yet coming of age at a time when the English public were dreaming of a world class left winger to solve all the problems of the national side, his inferiority to the likes of a Ryan Giggs, a Leo Messi or even a Diego Maradonna, has brought Stewart into the firing line for much criticism over matters completely out of his control.

All of which means that while Kenna managers may appreciate Downing is a regular starter, they are also quick to blame him when things aren’t going well.

His demeanour doesn’t help. Constantly looking like a small boy at an information desk awkwardly hearing his own name being read out over the shopping centre tannoy and dreading the moment his relieved mother makes a tearful reunion now the school bully has clocked him while out for a spot of shoplifting, Stewart’s expression appears to invite contempt.

This season Downing is the only player to appear for three different Kenna teams, having found himself released at both transfer windows.

Bought for £9.5m by Judean Peoples’ Front at the August auction, the winger overcame injury and settling in to West Ham to only score at an average of 1.33 points a week. Downing found himself released at the October transfer window.

The Newington Reds manager snaffled Downing for half a million pounds and throughout autumn, Christmas and January he scored at a very creditable three points a week. League leaders FC Testiculadew have seen their players score at 2.9 points a week on average this campaign.

A Liverpool fan, perhaps it was the Newington Reds manager’s memory of that season of no goals and no assists, but he saw fit to jettison Downing at the February window.

Northern Monkeys picked up the winger for the nominal £0.5m, and have seen him continue that form to score at 2.67 points a week.

What was the Reds manager’s midfield doing while his former player was helping Monkeys to the Canesten Combi Cup semi final?

Assembled for £13m at that raucous night in The Enterprise, the trio of Nathan Redmond, Adnan Januzaj and Oussama Assiadi have scored just two more points between them than Downing.

“The nine-year trophy hunt for Reds continues,” said the chairman, his PhD in hindsight neatly framed on his Kenna HQ office wall.

Stewart Downing’s season

Judean Peoples’ Front – £9.5m – six weeks / eight points – 1.33 point a week

Newington Reds – £0.5m – 13 weeks / 39 points – 3 points a week

Northern Monkeys – £0.5m – nine weeks / 24 points – 2.67 points a week

Newington Reds replacement midfield:

Redmond – £0.5m – 12 points

Januzaj – £12m – 11 points

Assaidi – £0.5m – 3 points

Table top heavyweights Puncheon it out

Jason Puncheon corner — He shits when he wants: Jason Puncheon’s two goals and assist kept Piedmonte in the Kenna title race (photo courtesy of Paul Wright)

BREATHLESS attacking football from two teams challenging for the Kenna title lit up the league with six weeks left of the season.

FC Testiculadew may have extended their lead by two points at the top with goals from Juan Mata and Edin Dzeko, but led by Jason Puncheon’s player-of-the-week performance and a double strike from Stevie G, Piedmonte refused to let up.

In the tightest Kenna since Vasco De Beauvoir pipped Insomnia’s Titans in 2010, FCT and the Pies find themselves like two sluggers in the ring Puncheon it out, which makes a refreshing change from the midfielder’s reputation for Puncheon one off mid match.

Whether either side can maintain this scintillating offensive play for the rest of the title race is uncertain. FCT have lost striker Christian Benteke for the rest of the season through injury and the imminent return of KS West Green striker Sergio Aguero could mean demotion to the bench for Dzeko.

From the Piedmonte perspective, it would take a Herculean effort from their ragtag bunch of misfits to overhaul a 47-point gap in the handful of games left.

What is clear is that Judean Peoples’ Front have dropped out of the race, their chances of competing stretchered off along with Jay Rodriguez on Saturday afternoon.

Looking ahead to the weekend, FCT are still in the hunt for a Kenna double. They take on Headless Chickens in a semi final first leg sibling derby.

Last year’s bottom-placed manager, now in charge of St Reatham FC, appears to have overcome the anxiety that led to a dark spring night on Chobham Common and will battle it out with Northern Monkeys in the other tie.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbbd2KEINVQ]

Kenna table

Kenna week 31 - 8 April 2014 — Kenna week 31 – 8 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	49	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	47	4
3	Headless Chickens	John N	37	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	36	1
5	Young Boys	Denney	35	2
6	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	2
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	27	2
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	24	1
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	21	0
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	21	0
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	20	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
14	KS West Green	Stix	19	0
15	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	19	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	15	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	11	1
19	PSV Mornington	El Pons	10	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	9	0
21	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	8	0
22	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	6	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	5	0
	Points	Player
Player of the week	15	Puncheon, J – CRY – MID
	Club	Piedmonte

Demichelis not such bad Kompany

Martin Demichelis caricature — Ray of sunshine: Martin Demichelis has been the one positive of Young Boys of Vauxhall’s season (photo: Gonza Rodriguez)

HUNDREDS of column inches have been dedicated to the shortcomings of Argentine defender Martin Demichelis this season and in the most part for good reason.

The pony-tailed centre back appears most at home lumbering around just outside his own 18-yard line with all the agility of a ginned-up lollipop lady, desperately trying to keep up with his sleeker teammates.

Up against the cream of European talent, Demichelis’ height, chunky bearing and lantern jaw make him look less a professional footballer and more like he should be wearing a leather jacket and fencing stolen goods from a rusty van outside the back of a pub glued to At The Races all Tuesday afternoon.

But one Kenna manager has found that at the domestic level, Demichelis is statistically delivering more than well-respected ‘top top player’ Vincent Kompany.

Guffaws rang around the upstairs bar of The Three Stags in Kennington in early October, when the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager took what was considered to be the outlandish decision to jettison Kompany at the first transfer window and sign the bungling Argentine.

In the face of much criticism, Young Boys vehemently defended the move at the time. Selling Kompany to St Reatham FC for £5m and picking up Demichelis on the open market for a token point five, the Welshman trousered £4.5m, he argued.

The Young Boys manager was also keen to point out that Kompany was recently injured. No one thought it so serious at the time, but the Belgian didn’t play again until the New Year.

Up until that afternoon south of the river, Demichelis was picking up a measly 1.25 points a week. The Belgian was making hay at 3.76.

Since that window the Argentine has gone on to score at a very creditable average of 3.12 points a week, while Kompany has contributed less than two-and-a-half.

In hindsight, the whole affair was a masterstroke for the Young Boys manager.

Of course, in all other respects the Young Boys season has been an utter disaster. At the same transfer window the manager turned a profit on Kompany he ended up Brambling himself and found Operation Yewtree suspect Rolf Harris starting in his midfield as forfeit. At the second window in February his frenzy of eight transfers descended into Tinkerman farce.

The St Reatham manager, on the other hand, finds his team safely ensconced in midtable and in the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Despite his failure in all other respects, the Young Boys manager has successfully underlined two recurring themes to emerge from any statistical analysis of the Kenna – due to the scoring system a defender is only as good or bad as the team he’s in and never sign players based on who you like.

In the first eight weeks of the season

Demichelis scored 1.25 points per week

Kompany scored 3.76 points per week

In the 25 weeks since the October transfer window

Demichelis started on 10 points now has 88 (3.12 points per week)

Kompany started on 27 points now has 89 (2.48 points per week)

Second double no laughing matter

Ming the Merciless — Fools: Managers are being shown up as a bunch of jokers by an FC Testiculadew manager building his empire (photo courtesy of xndrnz)

WAY past midday on 1 April the FC Testiculadew manager is still making fools of the rest of the Kenna League.

Cup results - 1 April 2014 — Canesten Combi Cup quarter final results – 1 April 2014

Goals from Kevin Mirallas, Juan Mata and a brace from Edin Dzeko saw the sinister, handwringing cackle of the Bramble Baron move one step closer to an unprecedented second Kenna double.

Sweeping aside bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington 5-2 in the Canesten Combi Cup quarter final, the FCT manager has set up a juicy semi final against his sibling at Headless Chickens. The tie is a replay of the May 2012 final FCT won to claim the league and cup double.

Despite a midfield boasting convicted child murderer Stuart Hazell, Northern Monkeys clinched their tie to set up a semi final with St Reatham FC. Kenna HQ detractors will be pleased to see them move ahead at the expense of two committee members.

The free-scoring form of Peter Odemwingie means second-placed Piedmonte are still in with an outside chance of challenging for the title, but with seven weeks left in the season the trophyless manager is fast running out of time.

The door is slightly ajar for Judean Peoples’ Front too. The Anders Breivik lookalike manager’s team stayed in the race with a double from Jay Rodriguez.

The rest of the league’s top half can only hope to secure the Wenger Trophy.

Meanwhile, it looks like the writing’s on the wall for Spartak Mogadishu, Dulwich Red Sox and PSV Mornington – Pussy Riot to the FCT manager’s Vladimir Putin.

Kenna table

Kenna week 30 - 1 April 2014 — Kenna week 30 – 1 April 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	53	2
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	53	2
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	52	2
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	50	2
5	FC Testiculadew	James N	48	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	44	1
7	Team Panda Rules OK	George	44	1
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	42	2
9	Piedmonte	Phil	41	3
10	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	39	4
11	Headless Chickens	John N	34	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	32	0
13	KS West Green	Stix	29	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	28	2
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	27	3
16	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	27	1
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	26	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
21	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	21	1
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	1
	Points	Player
Player of the week	17	Dzeko, E – MCY – STR
	Club	FC Testiculadew

FCT Putin the boot in

Vladimir Putin — On target: The Russian leader and the FC Testiculadew manager are wiping the floor with the opposition.

IMPERIAL aggression, hasty plebiscites in obscure lands and a Christian Benteke goal mean history looks to be repeating itself both in European geopolitics and the Kenna League.

Just as it turns out that inside every Ukrainian there’s an armed Russian wearing a balaclava just waiting to get out, so FC Testiculadew have emerged from the pack as favourites to lift the title.

Cup results - 25 March 2014 — Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Despite plenty of goals for Piedmonte (Long and Odemwingie) and Judean Peoples’ Front (Eriksen x2 and Rodriguez), the second and third place teams are being made to look like squabbling Western appeasers as ‘the villain of the Kenna‘ marches towards domination.

With just eight competitive weeks left, FCT’s impressive form and 28-point buffer means nothing short of World War Three will stop the manager claiming his second Kenna championship in three years.

Pikey Scum climbed into the top four, in no small part down to Newington Reds defender Kieran Gibbs being wrongfully dismissed on Saturday.

Whether the red card is rescinded remains to be seen, but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s lucky escape has put KS West Green above Headless Chickens and Hairy Fadjeetas – both early front runners of the campaign whose managers now seem to have run out of ideas in the league.

The Chickens boss is left to focus his attention on the Canesten Combi Cup, where his side took a three-goal lead in the quarter final first leg at West Green.

FCT look set to annex a badly-organised and ill-equipped PSV Mornington in their tie, although unlike Vlad they’ll need two weekends rather than one.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	48	4
2	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	39	3
3	Headless Chickens	John N	37	5
4	KS West Green	Stix	37	2
5	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	34	2
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	33	1
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	31	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	30	2
10	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	29	4
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	26	3
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	1
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
14	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	24	1
15	Young Boys	Denney	23	1
16	St. Reatham FC	Mike	21	2
17	Team Panda Rules OK	George	21	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	0
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	15	0
22	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
23	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	4	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	This is Sparta…Prague

Odemwingie’s Kenna

Ian Botham — Cigar moment: Can Peter Odemwingie help the Piedmonte manager claim his first Kenna title in nine years of trying?

GOALS from the unlikeliest source saw Piedmonte climb to second with just nine weeks left in the season.

More than a year since suffering an horrific injury sustained while sleeping in his car outside Loftus Road, Peter Odemwingie appears to have recovered his fitness and confidence to score twice this weekend.

Until last month’s transfer window, the Nigerian had been passed from club to club, unable to build any sort of momentum and at one point considered less reliable than an email from his home country.

Piedmonte put £5m worth of faith in the striker in February, set club doctors about treatment of a sore neck and some discomfort in the buttock where he’d slept on his wallet, and the manager’s already got back three goals and an assist.

Whether Odemwingie can go on to inspire his team to glory, much as Ian Botham did with bat and ball against Australia in 1981, remains to be seen.

Looking at the misfits in the rest of the Piedmonte side it seems less likely than the FC Testiculadew manager dropping his villain tag.

Abandon Cup!

Canesten Combi Cup holders Spartak Mogadishu were dumped out of the competition on the weekend, but reports filtering out of Somalia suggest the club’s manager has other priorities.

Upon learning a Boeing 777 could be floating around in the Indian Ocean last week the Somali immediately put out to sea.

Visitors to the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility found the site deserted, save for an elderly, khat-chewing groundsman who talked of an entire community swept up in the swarthy promise of hundreds of untouched Halal meal options.

The defeat means Headless Chickens will face KS West Green in the first leg of this weekend’s quarter finals.

In a classic top-versus-bottom clash, FC Testiculadew will take on PSV Mornington after Hairy Fadjeetas added to their recent league woe by losing on points in the second leg of their match against a side managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola.

In the other last 16 tie settled on points, Northern Monkeys beat Rapids de Cullons, and will face Newington Reds this weekend.

The winners of that fixture will play either St Reatham FC or the treasurer’s team Bala Rinas.

Kenna table

Kenna week 28 - 18 March 2014 — Kenna week 28 – 18 March 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	39	4
2	Young Boys	Denney	32	1
3	KS West Green	Stix	32	0
4	Pikey Scum	Jack	31	1
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	28	0
6	Team Panda Rules OK	George	26	0
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	25	2
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	25	0
9	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	24	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	0
14	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	19	1
15	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	18	0
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
17	FC Testiculadew	James N	15	1
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	13	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	13	0
21	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	11	1
22	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
23	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Odemwingie, P – STO – STR
		Club	Piedmonte