Kneecaps for goalposts

Truncheon
Kenna Law: Collins is set to overcome injury to feature for Just Put Carles

DEFENDER JAMES Collins, who went missing hours before kick off on Saturday, has been found in the Just Put Carles starting XI.

The Welshman has not been seen since a vanload of Kenna hatchet men with Estuary accents kidnapped him from the Still Don’t Know Yet team hotel before dawn on Saturday morning.

Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.

JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.

This week’s highlights

  • Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
  • £12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
  • £9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
  • £6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
  • £2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.

Kenna table – week 1

This season
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0

Week’s scores

This week
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Petric, M – FUL – STR
Club Unsigned
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Just Put Carles

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook: Retained the majestic services of David Silva for £10m than last season, but the manager only bought four more players at auction before leaving faster than an Alex Santos commute once he discovered his choice of wardrobe would mean buying the committee a round. Filled by Kenna HQ using the accepted procedure, the team now contains former Still Don’t Know Yet defender James Collins.

No Brambles

Schwarzer, M FUL £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £12m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Collins, J WHM £0.5m
Rangel, A SWA £8m
Arteta, M ARS £16m
Silva, D MCY £32m
Osman, L EVE £0.5m
Henderson, J LIV £0.5m
Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Maloney, S WIG £1.5m
 Total £87m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m Rangel, A SWA £8m
Welbeck, D MUN £7m Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Sturridge, D LIV £20m Maloney, S WIG £1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

No changes

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Greendale Rockets

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts musicI was made for lovin’ you – Kiss

Outlook: The £38m swoop for Rooney shows intent, even if the £6.5m deal for SWP and Gervinho looks like what the ingrained Kenna manager may regard as a schoolboy error. Dodgy foreheads aside, the rest of the Rockets starting line up looks like a few points. Cup run?

No Brambles

Boruc, A SOT £0.5m
Zabaleta, P MCY £7m
Azpilicueta, C CHE £4.5m
Cuellar, C SUN £0.5m
Williamson, M NEW £4m
The Ox ARS £5m
Gera, Z WBA £0.5m
Coutinho, P LIV £20m
Lennon, A TOT £8.5m
Rooney, W MUN £38m
Becchio, L NOR £2m
 Total £90.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Reina, P LIV £16m Boruc, A SOT £0.5m
Clark, C AVL £2m Azpilicueta, C CHE £4.5m
Bertrand, R CHE £8m Cuellar, C SUN £0.5m
Taylor, M WHM £3.5m The Ox ARS £5m
Kightly, M STO  £5m  Coutinho, P LIV  £20m 
Gervinho ARS £0.5m Becchio, L NOR £2m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Taylor, N SWA £0.5m Clark, C AVL £2m
Dunne, R AVL £3.5m Bertrand, R CHE £8m
W-Phillips, S QPR £6m Taylor, M WHM £3.5m
Miereles, R FEN £6m Gera, Z WBA £0.5m
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FC Testiculadew

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: Champions

Trophy cabinet: League and cup double (last season)

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Big Balls – ACDC

Outlook: Ever the pantomime villain after his indiscretions ahead of the Olisadebe Euro 2012, a ripple of boos accompanied the FCT manager’s late arrival to last week’s auction. Unperturbed he went on to assemble a capable side, but how long will fans’ patience last if he fails to defend the title without a big-money signing?

No Brambles

Ruddy, J NOR £1.5m
Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Luiz, D CHE £3m
Evans, J MUN £7.5m
Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Toure, Y MCY £21m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Remy, L QPR £35m
Berbatov, D FUL £37m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Simpson, D NEW £6.5m Debuchy, M NEW £0.5m
Vertonghen, J TOT £13m Davies, B SWA £0.5m
Bannan, B AVL £0.5m Akpan, H REA £0.5m
Crouch, P STO £2m Remy, L QPR £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Vidic, N MUN £13m Evans, J MUN £7m
Sinclair, S SWA £11m Bannan, B AVL £0.5m
Frei, K FUL £5.5m Wilshere, J ARS £0.5m
Podolski, L ARS £11m Berbatov, D FUL £37m
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Hairy Fadjeetas

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011 (committee member, Director of Wry Tweets)

Last season: 15th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Hawaii 5-0 theme

Outlook: Up there amongst the best all-time Brambles when the hapless Marouane Chamakh replaced £33m Carlos Tevez, but the Fadges boss recovered well to bring some solid purchases to the club’s Bikini Lane stadium. Paid through the nose for Eden Hazard, but on the evidence of the first game he looks an exciting prospect. Manager yet to prove himself in the domestic arena.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Mignolet, S SUN £5.5m
Skrtel, M LIV £20m
Vidic, N MUN £16m
Williams, A SWA £3.5m
Hughes, A FUL £4m
Hazard, E CHE £26m
Ben Arfa, H NEW £6.5m
Hoolahan, W NOR £2.5m
McCleary, G REA £0.5m
Mirallas, K EVE £18m
Defoe, J TOT £13m
 Total £115.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Lescott, J MCY £12m Skrtel, M LIV £20m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Warnock, S AVL £2m Vidic, N MUN £16m
Chamakh M (B) ARS £16.5m Mirallas, K EVE £18m
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Wandsworth Window Lickers

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

Outlook: Not even 221B could say why the Wandsworth boss introduced and bought Jamie Carragher at last week’s auction, but with the exception of that mystery and Josh McEachran’s announcement he’s going on loan to Boro, the opening week of the season is treating the manager well with goals from Nasri and Odemwingie and clean sheets from O’Shea and Szczesny.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Szczesny, W ARS £19m
Clyne, N SOT £6m
Assou-Ekotto, B TOT £7m
O’Shea, J SUN £5.5m
Ben Haim, T QPR £10m
Fellaini, M EVE £9m
Young, A MUN £15m
Assaidi, O LIV £0.5m
Nasri, S MCY £15m
Odemwingie, P WBA £6m
Gouffran, Y NEW £5m
 Total £98m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Herd, C AVL £0.5m Ben Haim, T QPR £10m
Obertan, G (B) NEW £0.5m Assaidi, O LIV £0.5m
Zamora, B QPR £2m Gouffran, Y NEW £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Carragher, J LIV £0.5m Herd, C AVL £0.5m
McEachran, J (B) CHE £9m Obertan, G (B) NEW £0.5m
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Bramble manager slams ‘out of touch Kenna blazers’

Dirty white van
James Collins was last seen being bundled into the back of a van at dawn

DEFENDER JAMES Collins is at the centre of a controversial appeal that has led to the Kenna administration being branded ‘out of touch’.

The incident arose when it emerged after the auction that the Still Don’t Know Yet manager had signed West Ham midfielder Gary O’Neil, and stood to lose Collins under the Titus Bramble ruling.

League regulations stipulated that Collins would be replaced by Newcastle’s Shane Ferguson, but the SDKY boss maintains that the Welshman, who switched to West Ham from Aston Villa two weeks ago, was still marked as a Villain on the official player list.

Already under pressure at the club for being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, the SDKY gaffer was so incensed at HQ’s decision that he sent a strongly-worded email in which he claimed the league had ‘gone too far’ and criticised the bureaucracy for ‘being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet’.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull,” said the manager in the leaked email (full copy below), before making a veiled threat to refer the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

The league’s response was swift and ruthless. The appeal was turned down flat, and in the early hours of the season’s first day Kenna HQ goons with cable ties and rubber truncheons swooped on the team’s hotel, to replace a petrified Collins with a simpering and dehydrated Ferguson.

“Our Manager Experiences department has dealt with an incident related to the Titus Bramble ruling. I’m given to understand the matter was resolved amicably, and we wish the manager involved all the best for the new season,” confirmed a league spokesperson, sweeping the matter under the carpet.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s leaked email to Kenna HQ

“Sadly I didn’t have time to reply last night, because, like a real man, I was out playing football and not sat at home being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet.

“I went off the “official” list as you described it on Facebook. The “official” list. If we start ignoring the (and yes, I’m going to use quotation marks for a third time) “official” list, where do we end up?

“Anarchy that’s where. In a nation where people are willing to burn down city centres so they can thieve a slightly bigger TV. You’re playing with fire.

“I can see how jealously can affect your decision making when your strike force is led by a Congolese Middlesbrough reject [Leroy Lita] while my £58m front line contains a daring mixture of mental instability and injury susceptibility, but I think you’ve gone too far.

“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in-spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull.”

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Northern Monkeys

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: How You Like Me Now? – The Heavy

Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Friedel, B TOT £0.5m
Hangeland, B FUL £11m
Distin, S EVE £6m
Bassong, S NOR £30m
Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Cleverley, T MUN £8.5m
deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Cazorla, S ARS £7.5m
Gardner, C SUN £5m
Dzeko, E MCY £1.5m
Cisse, P NEW £15m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Terry, J CHE £14m Bassong, S NOR £30m
McAnuff, J AVL £9.5m deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Park, J CHE £6m Gardner, C SUN £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Pearce, A REA £3m Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Delph, F (B) AVL £7.5m McAnuff, J REA £9.5m
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Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe – The Captain Pugwash theme

Outlook: There were always concerns that the Mog manager’s haphazard approach to auction tactics would overshadow his campaign and, one or two players aside, they appear well founded. Midfield linchpin Luka Modric left for Spain hours after the Pirates signed him, leaving a dressing room bubbling with poor temperament, untested talent and indifferent previous.

Surprisingly, no Brambles.

Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £15m
Shawcross, R STO £11m
Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Riether, S FUL £0.5m
Lallana, A SOT £14m
Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Nolan, K WHM £5m
Taarabt, A QPR £1m
Lukaku, R WBA £14m
Benteke, C AVL £35m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Shelvey, J ARS £11m Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m Benteke, C AVL £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Krul, T NEW £21m Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m
Koscielny, L ARS £17m Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Modric, L RMA £1m Shelvey, J LIV £11m
Campbell, F SUN £0.5m Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m
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Newington Reds

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 3rd

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Forever Young – Alphaville

Outlook: Fans of the club were resigned to the manager’s lack of silverware at this level, but after some competent signings at auction expectation is growing in N5. Light in midfield, but with the potential for goals from defence and up front, could this finally be their year?

No Brambles.

Howard, T EVE £8m
Samba, C QPR £17m
Vermaelen, T ARS £17m
Kolorov, A MCY £0.5m
Smalling, C MUN £0.5m
Sessegnon, S SUN £6.5m
Jarvis, M WHM £7.5m
Sissoko, M NEW £14m
Adam, C STO £0.5m
Sturridge, D LIV £43m
Long, S WBA £1.5m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Skrtel, M LIV £17m Samba, C QPR £17m
Rangel, A SWA £3m Kolorov, A MCY £0.5m
Mulumbu, Y WBA £1.5m Sissoko, M NEW £14m
Torres, F CHE £37m Sturridge, D LIV £43m
Adebayor, E TOT £1m Long, S WBA £1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Nelsen, R QPR £0.5m Smalling, C MUN £0.5m
Etherington, M STO £6m Sessegnon, S SUN £6.5m
Miyaichi, R WIG £5.5m Jarvis, M WHM £7.5m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m Adam, C STO £0.5m
Dembele, M TOT £2.5m Adebayor, E TOT £1m
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