Outlook: Picked up the auction’s bargain Sergio Aguero for £12m, although devastating capabilities of the front two may be curtailed by casual racism. Very creative in midfield, but yet to be seen if Charles N’Somnia wakes up this term. No Brambles.
The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.
Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.
It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.
“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.
There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.
“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.
Teams will be published here over the coming week.
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”
WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.
Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.
In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.
“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.
The Chairman’s top tips
Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.
Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.
Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.
Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.
Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.
Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.
A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.
Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.
A few other items of note:
Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo
FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.
Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.
Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.
“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.
Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.
In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.
“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.
The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.
Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:
The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:
Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):
Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:
Cavalier attitude: Bramblers, both tactical and accidental, are to face much stiffer penalties
IN THAT brief period of English sport when there’s no proper football, it’s too wet for cricket and the only diversion is the mind-blowing sight of a man raised in Kilburn wearing the yellow jersey with six days to go, rumours abound.
For Kenna managers eagerly awaiting next month’s auction ahead of the Premier League opening on 18 August, tittle tattle is at fever pitch as to how the administration will tighten up rules in the wake of May’s illegal bidding scandal.
Now the man responsible for Tactical Brambling, the practice of bidding for a player to deliberately incur a forfeit and free up funds, gives his dark insight into what happened that fateful evening in late spring – the time when the rain began.
Despite being dealt a hefty penalty, the Testiculadewland manager finished second in the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euro 2012.
But retribution works in mysterious ways: if he’d had kept Franck Ribery instead of Karim Benzema he’d have been the champion.
“When Benzema first came up my first thoughts were: ‘I’ll go for him’.
“Slightly later I realised that I had Ribery. I then thought: ‘Sod it, I wanted Benzema from the start and I want a good strike force. I can still have three good midfielders and the Bramble for losing Ribery’, as I saw it in my tipsy state.
“It was a gamble on my behalf, one in hindsight I don’t think really paid off. And Benzema only became available because of an earlier Bramble by someone else.
“I think tactical Brambling could pay off if done very carefully, but would only pay off the first time and if a manager was to repeatedly do it their team would very soon suffer.
“I think there’s an argument to be had to allow it as part of the game. It certainly makes the mid part of the auction more interesting and because your team is affected every time, your team exponentially becomes worse the more you do it, and there are already rules in place to deter it.
“I didn’t set out to tactical Bramble. It happened on the spur of the moment. Even if it was allowed I wouldn’t set out with it as part of my auction game plan, but if half way along things aren’t going well, its a rash gamble that could be played.
“Wracked with guilt I’ve tried to think of a way of stopping it, or a way you can distinguish between tactical Brambling and old-fashioned honest stupidity Brambling, but can’t think of anything as practical or fun as allowing it.”
If, as early reports suggest, there are to be stiffer penalties to the Titus Bramble ruling being announced later this week, the Testiculadewland manager’s cavalier approach will be frustrated.
Stella cast: the Premier League is bursting with talent. Well, apart from the Titus Bramble brigade
SKY SPORTS hacks, former professionals-cum-pundits and the intimidating bloke at the bar with the British Bulldog tattoo and Argos bling all vehemently maintain that England has the best football league in the world.
While we can be certain that their assurances are absolutely genuine, and have nothing whatsoever to do with viewing figures, xenophobia or a grim, single-parent upbringing in a region of high unemployment, the more subversive among us sometimes harbour dark thoughts that not everyone competing in the Premier League is of a world-beating standard.
As the David Silvas, Wayne Rooneys and John Terrys of the land set them up, bang them in and save the handshaking for the faces of their teammates’ wives, a small contingent of those plying their trade on Super Sunday are more folly prone than Hollywood.
Even Signet Rings in the pub, at least until he’s charged up on a couple of rounds of wife beater, could be persuaded that some the players in the Premier League are what’s colloquially known as ‘a bit shit’.
For denizens of the Kenna this spirit of mediocrity has found earthly embodiment in the form of Titus Bramble. The journeyman defender continues to make regular starts in the Premier League despite his flaws at Newcastle once forming the contents of an official Chelsea dossier and nightclub indiscretions leading to unsavoury tangles with the law.
Ahead of the new season, the Kenna is searching for more specimens like Titus who are likely to spend the next few months showcasing just how average English football can be.
Make your suggestion by adding a comment below or join the debate on Twitter @jeffkennaleague.
The best suggestions will be assembled into a ‘Titus Bramble Invitational Squad’ and employed as forfeit players for the upcoming Kenna auction, to be held next month in another not-so-exclusive central London pub.
Managers breaking auction rules will have the cream of their side whipped out and replaced by one of ‘the Brambles’.
The second rule in particular makes the Olisadebe ultimately challenging. Buying a bottom-drawer player from a top team is folly.
Going around the table, each gaffer takes it in turns to introduce a player to the bidding. The auction ends when every team is filled.
The Olisadebe ‘Brambles’ will be announced next week.
What experience tells us
Looking below at the top performers from the last international tournament, the Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup, the immediate thought is: what the bejabbers was someone up to spending £31.5m on a holding midfielder like Schweinsteiger?
During a domestic season, steady Eddies like Bastian ‘Pig-overseer’, making regular appearances and nicking the odd goal can be useful.
But in tournament football, where an absolute maximum of six games awaits, the only successful midfielders are those scoring just as many goals as their striking counterparts (Wesley Sneijder).
Forwards regularly finding the net and back fives from organised teams picking up clean sheets offer the best return on investment.
Creative wing backs getting assists and goals, while their side keeps clean sheets, are a handy addition.
The second thing you’ll notice from the table is that some household names went for chicken feed. There are three reasons for this:
all the other managers had bought their quota from that country (Iker Casillas)
those at the auction simply hadn’t considered that player of value (Thomas Muller)
the player had initially been bought for a large sum, forfeited through the Titus Bramble Ruling and bought on the cheap later in the evening (David Villa)
Top European’s from the 2010 Khumalo World Cup in South Africa
The contest is a ‘ties-off’ international tournament in a similar format to domestic club contest the Jeff Kenna League.
The Kenna HQ Chairman said: “The live tweet is an excellent way to showcase to the world how fantasy football competitions should be played.
“The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup auction, like the Kenna auction, is a face-to-face contest of knowledge and footballing acumen in an informal atmosphere. During the roller coaster, four-hour event participants experience the full range of emotions, although they mostly fluctuate between schadenfreude and humiliation.
“Picking captains and making transfers every week may be a good way for the big newspapers to drive up traffic to their websites and increase advertising revenue, but we’re convinced the auction format is the true test of fantasy footballing skill.
AS ROMAN Abramovich composes his classified ad for the Russian oligarch equivalent of Autotrader (‘millions spent, could run well for another year or so’), another season of domestic football draws to a close.
For the sake of posterity (and to make room on the homepage for the upcoming Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup), the final league standings for 2011/12 can be found below.
Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.
FCT’s response was emphatic.
Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.
