sports – Page 9 – The Jeff Kenna League

Public enemy hole in one

Ombersley golf club — 19th hole: The Chairman and former Dan Terry Seduction manager enjoy a well-earned drink

NOT MANY can endure the constant pressure of top level football management for long, and the Kenna League is no exception.

For every Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Vasco De Beauvoir manager there are countless others who have passed on from the game to other arenas in which their skills are more suited.

One such example is the former Dan Terry Seduction manager, who readers of these pages will last recall steering the club to relegation in 2012 after a disastrous campaign in which he failed to woo players, the board or even a young journalist.

But whereas reports of his failed effort to slip a roofy to a girl from the local newspaper stretched credulity, the former DTS manager’s present crusade of villainy at a pay-and-play golf club in middle England is more than plausible.

“All the members act like it’s some exclusive club but they miss one point: they’re all sh1t at golf,” he explained during a round with the Kenna chairman on Monday, confirming common knowledge that most amateur golf club members’ enthusiasm for dress code and etiquette far outweigh their prowess on the course.

Retiring from the Kenna last summer, the former DTS boss relocated to Worcestershire to immediately begin his full-time campaign of terror midway through a competitive round.

With one parent on the committee and the other a popular member, particularly in the bar, the ex-Kenna man managed to wipe out his own respectability in one swoop by driving the ball over the heads of the group in front. A fourball that included the club pro.

As the angry scratch golfer marched 250 yards back up the fairway to deliver a furious, expletive-filled tirade, the former DTS boss heeded advice and kept his counsel. But far from being chastened by the experience, the out-of-work manager responded the only way he knew how: by taking the incident as an invitation to start leaving his car in the club pro’s reserved parking space.

“As part of my membership I get a free hour lesson with the club pro, but neither of us wants me to take that one up!” joked the former DTS manager as he produced a scrunched up voucher for a free 18-hole round.

His notoriety secured, the former Seduction boss turned his singular charm to that most sacred of clubhouse property – the notice board.

Eager to get some more competitions under his belt, weather permitting, he signed up for a contest on one condition. An asterix next to his scribbled name directed administrators to the bottom of the sheet to find: ‘*unless it’s snowing in which case I’ll stay in bed’.

Accosted by a senior lady member laster the day, the fairweather golfer was told that under no circumstances was he to deface club property in such a fashion. To the cheeky wag this was yet another chink in their armour.

Fans of 90s Canadian comedy TV show The Kids in the Hall will remember a sketch in which a balaclava-clad athlete with a catchy alias promises only to reveal his true identity once he climbs, ultimately unsuccessfully, to the top of a leisure centre squash ladder.

Taking inspiration from the show, but betrayed by his membership number, the former DTS boss received a curt phone call from a club apparatchik the day after signing up for the next competition and informed that it was not considered club etiquette to call himself ‘The Eradicator’.

So what’s next for the ex-Kenna man?

“I’ve thrown a couple of rounds with the old man to get my handicap up, so in the next Stableford contest I’ll romp home with 70 points. Who cares? It’s not exactly the Belfry,” he said.

Last 16 cup results (aggregate)

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens

Still Don’t Know Yet 3 – 1 Piedmonte

PSV Mornington 0 – 2 Just Put Carles

Woking 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu

Dynamo Charlton 1 – 1 Pikey Scum (Dynamo go through on most points scored in second leg)

FC Testiculadew 2 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

League table

Week 26 - 26 February 2013 — Week 26 – 26 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	35	3
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	35	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	34	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	33	1
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	32	1
6	FC Testicluadew	James N	29	2
7	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	1
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	23	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	2
13	Woking	Mike	22	1
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0
16	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	13	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	14	Figueroa, M – WIG – DEF
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile — Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Cazorla
Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013 — Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	40	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	2
4	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	3
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	31	2
8	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
9	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	24	1
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	23	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	0
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	17	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	11	0
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Michu – SWA – MID
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013 — Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	50	4
2	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	39	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	2
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	1
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	0
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	3
8	Just put Carles	Carles	30	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	20	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	19	1
17	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
		Club	Wandsworth Window Lickers

Mad Dog and Englishmen

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013 — Kenna table – 31 January 2013

Transfer deadline day – just four hours left

LORRY LOADS of toilet paper being delivered to Vasco De Beauvoir‘s Shoreditch Park ground as the manager attempts to lure Jason Puncheon to the club.

Demba Ba and Juan Mata battling it out in an arroz con leche eating contest as they try to secure their future at PSV Mornington by impressing ‘El Jefe’.

Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.

The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”

These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.

Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).

Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?

Strikers

Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)

Gouffran (NEW)
Remy (QPR)
Wellington Paulista (WHM)

Midfield

De Guzman (SWA, 81)
Jason ‘I went for a sh1t’ Puncheon (SOT, 72)
Craig Gardner (SUN, 66)
Beausejour (WIG, 60)
Macanuff (REA, 57)

Coutinho (LIV)
Sissoko (NEW)
Chris David (FUL)
Holtby (TOT)

Defenders

Bassong (NOR, 72)
O’brien (WHM, 68)
Geoff Cameron (STO, 65)
Clichy (MCY, 63)
Azpilicueta (CHE, 60)

Yanga-Mbiwa (NEW)
Haidara (NEW)
Forren (SOT)
Ben Haim (QPR)
Debuchy (NEW)
Emmanuel Pogatetz (WHM)

Cup results

Greendale Rockets	2	1	Dynamo Charlton
Woking	1	0	Still Don’t Know Yet
Vasco De Beauvoir	1	2	Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys	1	0	Judean Peoples’ Front
Sporting Lesbian	1	1	Newington Reds
FC Testicluadew	1	0	Spartak Mogadishu
Just put Carles	0	0	Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds	4	1	Piedmonte

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – final tables

Final tables - cup groups — Final tables – cup groups

League table

Week 22 - 29 January 2013 — Week 22 – 29 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	4
2	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	32	1
3	Greendale Rockets	Stu	29	2
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	2
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	26	1
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
7	Headless Chickens	John N	25	2
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	20	2
9	Woking	Mike	18	1
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	17	0
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	16	1
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	1
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	0
16	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	11	0
17	Just put Carles	Carles	10	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	8	0
19	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	6	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	3	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	26	Giroud, O – ARS – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

Shower of expectation

Shower scene — Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013 — Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	56	4
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	3
3	Piedmonte	Phil	44	2
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	42	1
5	Just put Carles	Carles	40	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	39	0
7	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	38	1
8	PSV Mornington	El Pons	37	3
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	37	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	33	2
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	1
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	1
20	Woking	Mike	16	0

Window watch

Cougar — Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013 — Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	2
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	29	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	29	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
10	Woking	Mike	24	1
11	Greendale Rockets	Stu	24	0
12	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	22	0
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	0
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0

Nothing to celebrate

Party popper — Step away from the party the popper: Celebrating goals is so 2012

A GARETH BALE goal was not enough to keep Bala Rinas from being dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Four hapless group game defeats left the side without a point, and with his team also struggling in the league the manager, yet to win a trophy in six years in Kenna, is under increasing pressure.

“People are saying that I’ve got no silverware, I can’t bring success to the club and I’ll never know the difference between riding the normal team coach and riding an open-top bus, but of course I knows the difference – one’s got a fcuking roof and one fcuking ‘asn’t,” sing songed the Welshman.

Bala Rinas weren’t the only ones not celebrating this week. Footballers are fashionable creatures, and a new craze has swept through the Kenna: not celebrating goals.

Cup results - 8 January 2013 — Cup results – 8 January 2013

In Group D, Daniel Sturridge found the net to help Just Put Carles to their first cup win and a chance at the next round, but ‘out of respect’ the England striker did not cheer after scoring against his former club Lokomotiv Leeds.

Emmanuel Adebayor scored against Pikey Scum to give Newington Reds a vital lifeline in Group C, but the Togolese had moved to Reds from Scum in the October transfer window and refused to acknowledge the notch, even though he continues to don leisurewear from another former club.

In the other Group C match there were remarkable scenes at FC Testiculadew’s ground, the Death Star, where no players celebrated any of the eight goals in Sporting Lesbian’s 7-1 destruction of the hosts.

Hairy Fadjeetas, on the end of five-goal thrashing by Headless Chickens, were the only side to have the decency to avoid any awkward embarrassment by not scoring any goals at all.

The final cup game will be played on 29 January, where the top four from each group will go through to the last 16 knockout draw.

Teams below in yellow have already qualified, teams in red are out.

League table

Week 19 - 8 January 2013 — Week 19 – 8 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	66	7
2	Just put Carles	Carles	54	4
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	51	4
5	Headless Chickens	John N	50	5
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	49	3
7	Piedmonte	Phil	48	2
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	46	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	45	3
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	42	1
11	Woking	Mike	40	3
12	FC Testicluadew	James N	40	1
13	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	38	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	37	3
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	1
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	1
18	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	1
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

A Christmas Carroll

A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.

“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.

The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.

“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”

“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.

“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”

The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.

“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.

“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.

“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.

After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”

The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.

“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”

The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.

“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.

“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”

The striker grinned: “Andy did a hole!”

League table

Week 17 - 25 December 2012 — Week 17 – 25 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	41	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	2
6	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	3
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	28	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
10	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	25	2
11	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	14	1
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	14	0
19	Woking	Mike	12	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	Gerrard, S – LIV – MID
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet