spy-in-the-bag – The Jeff Kenna League

Lezzers lose libido late on

A playful slime treatment — Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.

Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.

The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.

The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.

In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.

Led by Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – whose team ironically has one of the worst returns at hitting the target – the chasing pack extends down to the Dynamo Charlton in seventh place.

Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.

At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.

League table

Week 35 - 7 May 2013 — Week 35 – 7 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Just put Carles	Carles	46	1
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	40	0
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	35	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	35	0
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	32	2
6	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	30	3
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	30	1
8	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	28	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	28	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	26	0
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	1
12	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	0
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	22	0
14	Woking	Mike	21	1
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	21	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	15	1
19	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	13	0
20	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Agbonlahor, G – AVL – STR
		Club	PSV Mornington

Kenna ‘probably wanted’ to be in bag

Old bag — Bag: Experts say the Kenna would have been forced in by a third party

THE CHAMPIONSHIP title may have wanted to padlock itself into a bag because current managers are so inept, it emerged today at the Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry.

The panel heard chilling evidence from the 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup, which attempted to padlock itself into a bag in the aftermath of the controversial tournament.

“The group stages went well, but then the newspaper stopped printing the scores. The administration tried to deal with it by waiting until after the final and getting all the player totals from some random Yank sports website. I felt completely devalued. It was an utter clusterf*ck,” said the Caniggia after the inquiry had watched video evidence of the tournament trying to lock itself in a holdall in 2007.

The panel heard that the Kenna title could have resorted similar actions.

“The mediocre managers in the league today? Their naive auction tactics? I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s championship had wanted to be in the bag,” stated the Caniggia, fighting back the tears.

Experts maintain that it’s unlikely the Kenna could have got into the bag itself, and that it must have been forced in by a third party.

The inquiry continues.

Kenna-in-the-bag inquiry launched

CLINT Dempsey, Wayne Rooney and Wojciech Szczesny are all set to be called as star witnesses in an official Kenna investigation.

The FC Testiculadew players will give evidence after it emerged that their manager has had the Kenna championship padlocked in a bag in his bathroom since January.

The FCT manager will also be called to answer allegations of using ‘dark arts’ to steer his team to league victory in his debut Kenna season.

“I’ve absolutely nothing to fear from these allegations. I think it’s just handbags from the league administration. They’re trying to get me the sack because I’ve been so successful,” said the FCT boss, who’s yet to explain the £20,000 of women’s clothes found in his flat and his decision to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips for £8m.

Kenna HQ are due to call Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, even though his form has done the biggest disappearing act since the Sky News IT department deleted the canoe man’s emails.

“We will be conducting a full, fair and fearless inquiry into this highly controversial issue. This is no open-and-shut case,” said the Chairman.

Hippo — Gaping: the gap between FCT and the pack is over 100 points