titus bramble – The Jeff Kenna League

The Djemba-Djemba factor

Eric Djemba Djemba — Ominous: Eric Djemba-Djemba only managed one more appearance for Manchester United than his squad number (photo courtesy of MihleStrand)

FLURRIES of foreign footballers being signed by English clubs are a staple of the summer.

Unlike George Weah’s cousin, many new players arriving in the Premier League have proven success in other countries, but that doesn’t always translate to the rough and tumble of the English game.

Take Eric Djemba-Djemba. An impressive debut season in Ligue Une earned the tough-tackling midfielder a dream move to Manchester United in the summer of 2003.

Viewed as a potential long-term successor to Roy Keane, it soon became clear that Eric’s biggest impact in a Red Devils shirt came in his debut game – a clattering challenge on Arsenal’s Sol Campbell branded ‘obscene’ by Arsene Wenger.

Fading from the first team over the next 18 months, the Cameroonian was sold to Aston Villa for £1.5m – a £5m loss for United. Competition from Gavin McCann and Steve Davies meant Djemba-Djemba played only once for the Villains before being farmed out on loan to Championship club Burnley.

Only the most devoted followers of Qatar SC, Odense BK and Hapoel Tel Aviv could add nuance to Eric’s 162 appearances and six goals following his release by Villa in summer 2007.

Djemba-Djemba never featured for a Kenna side, mainly because the bulk of his meagre Premier League appearances happened before the Kenna’s creation in 2005. Official Kenna records from the period are as patchy as the Bible, but it’s believed he did spend some time as a Titus Bramble player in 2006/07.

Be that as it may, his combative ‘Claude Makalele’ role in front of defence meant he was more likely to pick up bookings than assists and goals, a highly undesirable trait considering the Kenna’s scoring system.

A glut of new midfielders have flooded into England since Sporting Lesbian lifted the Kenna title in May. It remains to be seen which of those new recruits have the X factor and which have the Djemba-Djemba factor, but that won’t stand in the way of bold predictions based on national stereotyping and sweeping generalisations. When it comes to the auction on Saturday, on whom will managers gamble?

Paulinho (Spurs)

The list of Brazilians to flake in the Premier League is long and distinguished, but Paulinho’s formative years in Eastern Europe give the impression he can deal with a lot chillier and more hostile climes than a wet Tuesday night in Stoke. A likely first-team starter for Spurs and no stranger to the score sheet, although if his season goes too well a protracted transfer saga to Real Madrid next summer looms. Djemba-Djemba factor: 1/5

Fernandinho (Man City)

Another box-to-box Brazilian with experience of Eastern Europe’s icy depths. Manchester should be a stroll compared to any winter’s night in Donetsk. Maybe not guaranteed the starting place of his compatriot above, but lightening pace and a powerful shot. Djemba-Djemba factor: 2/5

José Cañas (Swansea)

In the last four years and 66 appearances, Cañas never scored for his former side Real Betis. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5

Aleksander Tonev (Villa)

The wiry Bulgarian international collected an Ekstraklasa runners up medal last season with Lech Poznań and offers width and pace. A former young Bulgarian footballer of the year, Tonev clocked up his first goals for the national side in March – scoring the first hat-trick of his career in a 6-0 thumping against Malta. How much will he feature? Djemba-Djemba factor: 3/5

Leroy Fer (Norwich)

Nicknamed ‘The Bouncer’ for his physical approach to the game, the Dutch international played in a range of positions throughout his early career but is now seen as a defensive midfielder in the mould of Patrick Viera. Not many goals or assists expected. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5

André Schürrle (Chelsea)

Certain to go for big money at auction, the German scores a goal every three games at club and country level. Unlikely to be the next Marko Marin. Djemba-Djemba factor: 1/5

The Sunderland midfield

Phil Bardsley may have been rebuked for that casino snap, but it’s his club paymasters who are spinning the wheel for the highest stakes. Paulo Di Canio’s wholesale replacement of players means the team that finished last season could be unrecognisable from the one lining up next week. El-Hadji Ba, Cabral, Diakite and Giaccherini all have no experience of the English game. Will the Italian’s gamble pay off? No one knows, but even his critics would say Di Canio always tends to be right. Djemba-Djemba factor: 4/5

Victor Wanyama (Southampton)

An African defensive midfielder who for the last two years has honed his skills in a league even more unfashionable than France’s. Are you Eric in disguise? Djemba-Djemba factor: 5/5

Jeff’s transfer bazaar opens for business

Life of Brian haggling scene — ’10 for that you must be mad’: Players’ true market values will be reflected at transfer windows

PLANS to introduce a new open market system to Kenna transfer windows were unveiled today.

In what league blazers have smugly branded ‘Jeff’s transfer bazaar’, managers selling players in the season’s two windows will only receive what another club is prepared to pay for them. Previously, managers received the price they’d paid for a player.

The Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department predict the move will introduce a new dimension to the league, with less money sloshing around windows than last season and individual performance deciding a player’s value.

The announcement comes comes 11 days before the annual Kenna auction, where managers will gather in the pub to buy their teams ahead of the English football season.

In a press conference this afternoon in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo, the chairman said: “Managers will have to be a lot more wary of who they outlay the big money on at the auction. You don’t want to be stuck with a £30m out-of-sorts Andy Carroll on your hands, or even worse a Titus Bramble forfeit player.”

The changes to transfer windows wasn’t the only change in the new season’s Kenna rules and regulations published today.

A top secret brochure of players to be sold in set order will be distributed to managers immediately before the auction starts – a move away from the traditional method of managers taking turns to pick players at random.

The chairman has hit back at critics of the plan, who think it will lead to less spontaneity: “To improve the auction experience, every manager will have one wildcard pick each, so that they can introduce a player of their own choosing at any stage of the auction.

“Five selected lots will be sold in a first-price sealed bid auction – where potential buyers will secretly write down their maximum bid, with the highest winning.”

No indication was made of who exactly the forfeit players would be for the auction, but Kenna HQ did confirm a 23-strong squad.

Made up of 11 young or loaned out Premier League footballers (The Bramble Youth) and 11 high-profile individuals who have earned notoriety off the pitch (Titus Bramble’s Pub XI), the Titus Bramble squad will be used as bogey players for managers breaking the rules.

Heads roll in the drop zone

Cigar cutter — Gruesome end: While those at the top of the Kenna reach for the cigars, the bottom three managers face the chop (photo courtesy of double gauss)

AS THE SPORTING Lesbian manager bathes in the success of winning the Kenna title on his debut, time has run out at the other end of the league.

Vasco De Beauvoir, victors of the inaugural Kenna league in 2005 and double winners in 2010, rounded off a dismal season to be relegated after eight years in the top flight.

The Vasco manager’s disastrous campaign is being pinpointed to the moment he lost a £40m Sergio Aguero under the Titus Bramble ruling at the August auction. The strike force of Leroy Lita and Fabio Borini offered little recompense.

Aguero went on to the snapped up for £12m and became an integral component of Sporting Lesbian’s team.

Speaking to Sky Sports News this morning outside Vasco’s Shoreditch Park ground, which was as far he got when it turned out club wallahs had already ordered the locks to be changed, the outgoing manager said: “Is it opening time yet?”

Licked

In south London, the Kenna diversity police are hot on the trail of another manager with a P45 fresh in his in tray.

No one expected Wandsworth Window Lickers to put up much of a fight this season considering their registered status as intellectually disabled.

But the team bus with rainbows on the side and disproportionately high number of grab handles at their home ground was just a ruse, the whole team turned out to be physically fit athletes who possessed all their mental faculties – with the exception of Peter Odemwingie, who was mostly a knob.

The Wandsworth manager was last seen boarding a plane to South America on a ‘scouting mission’. Club bean counters are said to be keen to speak to the errant manager over missing disability allowance funds.

Crime spree

The Woking manager is still AWOL, and has been since the mysterious death of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer on Chobam Common.

Surrey Police were believed to have made a breakthrough in the manhunt when an early-hours 999 call from a club admin girl claimed the manager’s car was parked outside her Worplesdon flat.

A response was dispatched, but officers arrived to find the property empty and ransacked. Two days later the girl was fished out of the Basingstoke Canal with a broken neck.

The search continues.

Big do

Managers will flock to a central London pub on Friday for the Kenna end-of-season awards night.

The Chairman said: “It’s been a long season and for all that hard work managers deserve nothing less than to buy me a beer. There’ll also be a short quiz to see how much people remember from the campaign’s shenanigans.”

Final league table

Week 38 - 21 May 2013 — Week 38 – 21 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	47	6
2	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	37	1
5	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	34	3
7	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	1
8	Woking	Mike	32	3
9	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	32	0
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	2
11	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	30	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	30	0
13	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
14	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	26	2
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	25	2
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	24	1
17	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
18	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	23	1
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	8	0

Belgian Benteke books Pirates berth in cup final

Tidy pirate — Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)

A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.

The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.

“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.

Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.

Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”

Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.

Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.

Emperor Ming — Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager

The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.

“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”

Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.

Cup results

Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2 RVP

FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar Lukaku, Benteke x3

*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”

League table

Week 34 - 30 April 2013 — Week 34 – 30 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	50	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	43	2
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	37	4
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	32	2
5	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
7	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
8	Woking	Mike	25	0
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	0
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	2
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	1
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	1
15	Headless Chickens	John N	19	0
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
17	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	13	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Benteke, C – AVL – STR
		Club	Spartak Mogadishu

Nearly tripped by a Bramble

TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.

“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.

A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.

The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”

Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.

In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”

Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.

“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”

Still Don’t Know Yet 2 (3) – 0 (1) Vasco De Beauvoir
Kone, Gerrard

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 1 (2) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva

Spartak Mogadishu 2 (4) – 2 (3) Northern Monkeys
Taraabt, Benteke Bramble og, Cazorla

FC Testiculadew 3 (4) – 1 (4) Dynamo Charlton – FCT win 32-23 on second-leg points
Berbatov x2, Remy Tevez

Semi finals

Still Don’t Know Yet v Sporting Lesbian

Spartak Mogadishu v FC Testiculadew

League table and weekly scores are available by downloading The Rub from the link on the right-hand side of this page.

Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub — Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013 — Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	4
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	21	1
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	2
15	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
16	Woking	Mike	14	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	13	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Tevez, C – MCY – STR
		Club	Dynamo Charlton

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile — Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Cazorla
Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013 — Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	40	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	2
4	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	3
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	31	2
8	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
9	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	24	1
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	23	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	0
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	17	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	11	0
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Michu – SWA – MID
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

The Year of the Goatee

FCT manager at the auction — Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012

DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.

FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.

FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.

Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.

“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.

At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.

Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.

League table

Week 18 - 31 December 2012 — Week 18 – 31 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	75	6
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	59	6
3	PSV Mornington	El Pons	59	4
4	FC Testicluadew	James N	50	3
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	49	3
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	48	4
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	48	2
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	48	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	45	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	4
11	Piedmonte	Phil	43	4
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	3
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	43	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	37	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	36	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	30	1
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	25	1
19	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	1
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Walcott, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Pikey Scum

Broken fantasy

Elf fair — Summer daze: What looks amazing in late August will often show severe cracks three months on

THERE COMES a time in most Kenna managers’ careers when they know that chances of winning the league are all but over for the season.

Despite the customary early-August, post auction-night complaint that the evening’s excess led to poor decision making and an impending mid-table finish, the pilot light of hope cannot but be ignited when Martin Skrtel starts a potentially record-breaking run by nodding in a couple of summer goals or Peter Crouch begins making runs as darting and incisive as a deer fleeing from an aggressive deforestation programme.

As any experienced boiler room Kenna sheepskin will tell you, these wholesome facades are quickly dashed in autumn, once the new guy who signed the most precocious and unpopular talent emerges as the favourite. The old adage stands firm: no one ever wins buying players they like, especially if those players are English.

So as the rugby club fireworks fizzle out and the giant green shopping centre reindeer go up, here are the warning signs that your chance of winning the league may not be all you think it’s cracked up to be:

You celebrate every one of your player’s goals so wildly the other half pops in to check you haven’t stepped in a bear trap
Two of your five signings in the first transfer window are yet to score, and unlikely to feature any time soon
Each time Wigan Athletic go one up you convince yourself it’s Emerson Boyce, only to be disappointed yet again by the vidiprinter
You’ve earmarked Jason Puncheon as an excellent way to strengthen your midfield in the February transfer window
Of your own free will, you bought Titus Bramble
The PSV Mornington manager phones to tell you how well his team are doing
When given the chance to discharge her at the transfer window, you opt to keep missing Cameroon Olympic women’s football team reserve goalkeeper Drusille Ngako
Watching Match of the Day is a constant reminder that everything you think you know about football is wrong.

Goal watch

The Canesten Combi Cup starts this weekend, with eight matches going on in the four groups.

The team scoring the most goals in each match will take three points.

“The new cup format, exclusive to the Kenna, encourages managers to take an active interest in the weekend’s goal action,” reads the condescending league-branded bumph.

“We suggest you check out your opponent’s team ahead of Saturday and feel everything scored going in, whether that be pleasurable or an unwanted surprise.

“And remember that own goals count against you.”

Group A

Bala Rinas v Woking

Greendale Rockets v Still Don’t Know Yet

Week off: Dynamo Charlton

Group B

Hairy Fadjeetas v Northern Monkeys

Vasco De Beauvoir v Judean Peoples’ Front

Week off: Headless Chickens

Group C

Pikey Scum v FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian v Spartak Mogadishu

Week off: Newington Reds

Group D

PSV Mornington v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Piedmonte

Week off: Wandsworth Window Lickers

League table

Week 11 - 13 November 2012 — Week 11 – 13 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	38	2
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	27	1
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	2
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	25	2
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
7	Just put Carles	Carles	25	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	0
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	2
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	22	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	18	1
16	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	18	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	10	0
20	Woking	Mike	9	0

50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned — Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012 — Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	43	3
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	33	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
5	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	2
6	Woking	Mike	28	1
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	24	0
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	19	2
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	1
16	Greendale Rockets	Stu	17	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0