toure – The Jeff Kenna League

Lokomotiv steam into 2012

The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.

The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.

However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.

“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.

Meanwhile, Judean Peoples’ Front defender Titus Bramble faces a third $exual assault charge.

“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”

Testiculadew toppled

Having forged what looked like an unassailable lead by September, FC Testiculadew have lost the top spot to Lokomotiv Leeds.

The northern club have mounted a growing challenge in recent weeks due to strong showings from Rafa Van der Vaart, Yaya Touré and Daniel Sturridge.

It was a goal and clean sheet from Slovak Martin Skrtel that made the difference this weekend as Lokomotiv pipped FCT at the table top by three points.

However, a dark shadow hangs over Leeds’ title hopes as Yaya Touré could be off to Africa.

Another dark shadow hangs over other parts of the Kenna in the form of rac1sm. Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez was handed an eight-match ban for comments made to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Thieving Magpies are also set to face more woe as defender John Terry is expected to be charged with rac1sm.

“I don’t understand it, you couldn’t meet a nicer guy,” lied the ‘Pies boss.

Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux — Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Judaen Peoples’ Front (first window)

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B)	NOR	£0.5m
Williams, A	SWA	£2.5m
Gallas, W	TOT	£10m
Toure, K	MCY	£7m
Upson, M	STO	£4m
Cleverley, T	MUN	£7.5m
Duff, D	FUL	£8m
Derry, S	QPR	£1m
Ramires	CHE	£9.5m
van Persie, R	ARS	£38.5m
Bellamy, C	LIV	£0.5m
		£89m

Lokomotiv Leeds (first window)

Manager: Mr Ben Silver (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Leeds United

Foster, B	WBA	£4m
Skrtel, M	LIV	£18m
Samba, C	BLR	£9m
Simpson, D	NEW	£0.5m
Taylor, N	SWA	£0.5m
Bennett, E	NOR	£0.5m
Toure, Y	MCY	£16.5m
van der Vaart, R	TOT	£5m
Moses, V	WIG	£3m
Hernandez, J	MUN	£21m
Sturridge, D	CHE	£0.5m
		£78.5m