transfer – The Jeff Kenna League

Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013 — Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	50	4
2	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	39	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	2
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	1
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	0
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	3
8	Just put Carles	Carles	30	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	20	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	19	1
17	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
		Club	Wandsworth Window Lickers

Mad Dog and Englishmen

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013 — Kenna table – 31 January 2013

Window watch

Cougar — Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013 — Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	2
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	29	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	29	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
10	Woking	Mike	24	1
11	Greendale Rockets	Stu	24	0
12	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	22	0
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	0
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0

Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax — Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team	Gaps	Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir	Five	£73.5m
Woking	Seven	£60m
Bala Rinas	Five	£52.5m
FC Testiculadew	Four	£51m
Pikey Scum	Four	£51.5m
PSV Mornington	Seven	£45m
Headless Chickens	Four	£44m
Northern Monkeys	Two	£40m
Dynamo Charlton	Three	£38m
Still Don’t Know Yet	Two	£36m
Hairy Fadjeetas	Two	£36.5m
Greendale Rockets	Four	£31m
Spartak Mogadishu	Three	£28.5m
Newington Reds	Four	£26m
Sporting Lesbian	Three	£26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers	Two	£25.5m
Piedmonte	Four	£25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds	Four	£16m
Judean Peoples’ Front	Four	£19m

Easy targets

Tirowka — Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012 — Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	4
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	28	2
4	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	2
5	Greendale Rockets	Stu	26	3
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	2
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
9	Woking	Mike	22	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	1
12	Piedmonte	Phil	19	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	2
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	16	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Mata, J – CHE – MID
		Club	PSV Mornington

Transfer deadline day – just four hours left!

Jermaine Defoe and Louis Saha playing paper, scissors, stone to see who’ll stay at PSV Mornington.

Vedran Corluka’s personal belongings being thrown out of a first-floor, terraced-house window by a teary-eyed Polonia Forsyth boss.

Andrey Asharvin in a cravat and smoking jacket telling the Hairy Fadjeetas gaffer “I go Mother Russia where make small tax and cheap car insurance”.

Just some of the footage we’d like to bring you today ahead of 12pm’s transfer submission deadline.

Instead, it’s the picture of the half-dressed girl with the developed quad again.

And Jim White making a rac1st slip of the tongue on live television.

“If you want to do business on Friday night send in your unwanted players by 12pm, otherwise you won’t be doing any business on Friday night,” said the Chairman while mixing cement in a disused warehouse.

Wednesday deadline for transfer submissions

Managers have until 12pm on Wednesday (1 February) to submit their unwanted players.

Submissions can be made directly to the Chairman or by emailing [email protected].

Bidding will begin for available players next Friday at the second, and final, transfer night this season at 7.30pm.

The rules remain the same as for the first transfer night.

“This is the first ever Kenna event on a Friday and we’re excited,” said the Chairman, before dismissing claims that television scheduling had forced the administration’s hand.

“I must remind you that any manager found re-signing someone who has previously played for them this season will incur the Titus Bramble ruling. We look forward to finding someone who didn’t read this far.”

A clutch of top-scoring available players can be found below.

Strikers

S Morison (Budgies) – 93
The Yak (Yakburn) – 90
Danny Graham (Swans) – 87
Holt (Budgies) – 78
Helguson (QPR) – 77

Midfielders

Richardson (Mackems) – 62
Ryan Taylor (Toon) – 62
J Allen (Swans) – 54
Formica (Blackburn) – 52
Jordi Gomez (Wigan) – 51

Defenders

Heitinga (Everton) – 49
Bardsley (Mackems) – 44
Hibbert (Everton) – 43
Senderos (Fulham) – 43
McAuley (WBA) – 43

Goalkeepers

Lindegaard (Man U) – 39

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.