treasurer – The Jeff Kenna League

Bala Rinas

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – Treasurer)

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Outlook: Scarred by relegation in his debut at the helm of The Trinny Men in 2007/08, the Welshman took time out from the pressure of Kenna management before assuming the reins of Bala Rinas last season, and with some success. His follow up campaign began with some respectable business, but with a red card for Agger already and the fire of Grant Holt and Djibril Cisse up front, discipline could be an issue.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Jaaskelainen, J	WHM	£0.5m
Agger, D	LIV	£15m
Neville, P	EVE	£4m
Koscielny, L	ARS	£0.5m
Fabio	QPR	£0.5m
Hernandez, P	SWA	£10m
Duff, D	FUL	£16m
Johnson, B	NOR	£1m
Bale, G	TOT	£26m
Ba, D	CHE	£42m
Di Santo, F	WIG	£0.5m
	Total	£116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Hooiveld, J	SOT	£0.5m	Fabio	QPR	£0.5m
Nani	MUN	£15m	Hernandez, P	SWA	£10m
McClean, J	SUN	£14m	Johnson, B	NOR	£1m
Holt, G	NOR	£9m	Ba, D	CHE	£42m

First transfer window – Friday 26 October 2012

Out			In
Savic, S (B)	MCY	£10m	Koscielny, L	ARS	£0.5m
Kaboul, Y	TOT	£6.5m	Hooiveld, J	SOT	£0.5m
Moses, V	CHE	£12m	Duff, D	FUL	£16m
Marveaux, S	NEW	£2m	Bale, G	TOT	£26m
Cisse, D	QPR	£12m	Di Santo, F	WIG	£0.5m

The Chairman’s auction night top tips

Chairman with Averna — Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”

WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.

Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.

In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.

“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.

The Chairman’s top tips

Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.

Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.

Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.

Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.

Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.

Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.

A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.

Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.

A few other items of note:

Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
No Batman suits.

‘Serpent-tongued’ new treasurer divides opinion

Abacus — New bean counter joins league committee

THE INTEGRITY of the Kenna has been called into question after the controversial appointment of a new league treasurer.

The Chairman today came out in support of his decision to appoint the Bala Rinas boss as official bean counter, despite murmurings from the Kenna rank and file.

“The Bala Rinas manager has my full backing and is integral to the new direction the league is taking towards a system of annual subscription. Ultimately this will bring more benefits to managers,” said the Chairman at a press conference, setting off a roomful of corporate prattle detectors.

Other managers are less than convinced.

“I have grave concerns about his integrity” – the Young Boys boss.

“He’s a complete con man who can’t be trusted. I’ve been burnt many times by this tea leaf with his silky, serpent tongue. I was happier when the money went towards the Chairman’s taxi and kebab fund, ” said the Judean Peoples’ Front gaffer, inadvertently pinpointing exactly why a treasurer was needed in the first place.

“You’re going to need an ethics committee after this atrocity” – the Lurliners manager.

In the face of this opposition, the Chairman remained steadfast in his praise of the new treasurer, whose ascent to the committee was reportedly ratified on the strength of single spreadsheet.

“He gave a very convincing presentation about marvellous opportunities in ‘brick’, I think he said, and sound investments in the Spanish construction industry, which is funny, because every time you see them in the news they look like they’re in a spot of bother,” he said, merrily signing a personal cheque for 500 branded hard hats.

“Anyway, the diagram he drew of a triangle to explain just how the scheme would work was extremely impressive. It was all jolly technical, but he’s assured me that this time next year we’ll be millionaires.”