wayne rooney

WATCHING the club’s star striker enter the building from his office window, the manager’s nerves tensed.

Another setback for his team‘s title hopes.

Yet another reminder of just how punishing this league could be.

Nursing the dregs of a Lemon Fanta in his hand, he returned to his desk to wait for his player.

‘Enter,’ he said when the knock on the door came.

Remorse was all over the striker’s face like egg.

‘On my kids’ lives boss, I swear I’ll not get caught again,’ he simpered, hands pressed together, eyebrows on his turnip head pushed up.

Over the next week the whole club would be talking about what the manager said next.

Never one to shy from gossip, his personal assistant, everyone agreed, gave the best account.

‘Enough!’ the manager threw the Fanta can at his player’s head, or at least that what it sounded like from the other side of the door. ‘I’m only in my second season in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and I’m already surrounded by pillocks like you undoing all my best efforts to stay in it. I don’t need your snivelling, I need a striker scoring goals, because at the August auction I got drunk and signed Peter Crouch. I already had Xhedran Shaqiri. That’s two Stoke players. Illegal. Bloody illegal. They took Crouch off me and gave me his bloody wife. His wife! Yes, I’ll admit she’s good for morale in the changing rooms, but everything’s getting slotted except the opposition goal. Furthermore, I bought Xhedran Shaqiri last season so the more I think about it the more it dawns it was an absolute dick move by me. There’s a transfer window on Friday 6 October starting from 6.30 to 7pm (earlier for drinks) where I should be improving my first eleven, but I’m dogged by the memory last year of inadvertently doing a cash-plus deal of Manuel Lanzini and £4m for Stewart Downing. You can guess how that turned out. I haven’t been to a transfer window since. I just sit in here drinking cans of Fanta and wondering why I thought £18m was a good deal for Jamie Vardy. Right now I’m 9th, but this time last year I was 8th and then ended in 15th. So get that bloody rear light fixed on your Volkswagen Beetle – what the hell are you doing driving a Beetle, anyway? – do your community service and start scoring some bloody goals.’

‘Yes, boss,’ said the striker and backed out the room.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Rooney space mission upsets St Reatham FC plans

Persian monkeys — Substitute: Wayne Rooney (left) was sent into space instead of the original cosmonaut.

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

ST REATHAM FC’s weekend preparations were thrown into turmoil as club star striker Wayne Rooney was sent into space by the Persian Mafia.

Rooney, who has bagged 81 points for the mid-table outfit, missed key training sessions due to the unscheduled rocket ride but was said to have returned ‘in perfect health’.

It’s rumoured that Rooney and St Reatham were approached by the Persians after their first choice cosmonaut overdosed on bananas. It’s thought he was allowed to take his own life after he embarrassed state officials by sending an unconvincing stand-in to a scheduled photo call with the world’s media.

The St Reatham boss was unavailable for comment this afternoon with the club’s press office informing journalists that ‘he has not fled to Switzerland to avoid difficult questions about an incident on Chobham Common – that’s just speculation’.

England manager Roy Hodgson was also unavailable for comment.

The 7.08 Club

SHOCKWAVES from Saturday’s Kenna fantasy football auction are still being felt in London five days on.

The marathon event shook the upstairs bar of the Roebuck in Borough for a record eight hours, as 21 managers worked their way through 232 lots and many more units of Central European lager.

Robin van Persie fetched the highest price of £46m – almost half a Kenna manager’s ton budget – bought over Skype by a mysterious man in Valencia wearing a Panama hat.

At £39m each Wayne Rooney and Sergio Aguero were the next biggest signings bought by St Reatham FC, the former Woking manager’s new team, and KS West Green, the Chairman’s team, respectively. Both managers steered their teams to relegation last season.

But it wasn’t the ninth annual Kenna auction itself that caused the biggest stir.

Locked in competition for a full shift, the majority of Kenna managers decided to accept the FC Rapid de Cuillons manager’s invitation to a late drink on his Thames boat bar: Bar&Co.

As the complimentary shooters flowed, the pressure of entering the world’s most competitive fantasy football league began to show, with memories of the evening becoming hazier.

Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager was among a hardened group of post-auction revellers who reported getting home at breakfast time, but he was not the biggest casualty.

Shutting himself into the Kenna HQ situation room with nothing but a case of tinned sardines and the auction wildcards, it took until Wednesday for the Kenna chairman to come to terms with the beast he’d created.

Emerging from his solitary vigil the chairman said: “Up until Saturday many people associated with the Kenna often wished there was more than one auction a year. Not any more.

“Glad as we are to be involved with this great institution, no one’s sanity, home life or alimentary canal could possibly deal with more than one of those sessions in 12 months.”

The first transfer window in October will probably come close.

The league will issue full details of teams and remaining budgets ahead of the season curtain raiser on Saturday at 12.45pm.

Wildcard: each manager could pick one player at random to be auctioned immediately

Kenna season two: Enter Ronaldo

Rooney sent off 2006 — The day English World Cup delusion died

FOR MANY Englishmen the Germany 2006 World Cup was a rude awakening.

In the build up to the tournament expectancy filled the air, and the airwaves. Everyone was telling us that this was England’s chance. The Golden Generation.

“Look at our players. Just look! They’re all playing for top clubs reaching the latter stages of the Champions League.”

“They’ve knighted Geoff Hurst! This must be an omen, because he beat the Germans in an era we can’t remember and from which we’ve never watched a full game, just the same clips over and over again.”

“All the World Cup winners since 1966 form a mathematical sequence that is completed only if England win in Germany. I’m not saying it’s in the bag, but by thunder it’s our best chance for years!”

Such were the sentiments fanning the flames of hope.

As with any tournament it all ended with tears for the English, and that was the moment most Kenna managers should have realised that no matter how many ‘years of hurt’ they’d undergone mediocrity should just be accepted.

Looking back now, the 90s – two semi-final finishes and a roller coaster of a game against Argentina in Massif Central – were the pinnacle of England’s international endeavour since lifting the Jules Rimet, but as managers assembled in the One Tun near Goodge Street tube station for the 2006-07 season’s auction in early August, the memory of that Madeirense eyelid movement on a field in the Ruhr still cut deep.

Most expensive summer signings

1	T Henry	£36.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
2	A Shevchenko	£35.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
3	W Rooney	£34m	Fat Ladies
4	S Gerrard	£29m	Thieving Magpies
5	J Terry	£28.5m	Fat Ladies

The auction became a morality play. Footballers were merited on their performance in Germany rather than their week-in, week-out trade at club level.

Widely vilified for failing to find the net in the World Cup, Frank Lampard went for a paltry £18m to Thieving Magpies despite being one of the domestic game’s top performers the season previous.

On his Kenna debut the FC Gun Show manager, noted for his pragmatism, loose morals and Hackett socks, cleaned up.

As he bought diving Drogba for £5m, Berbatov for £18m and the anti-christ himself Cristiano Ronaldo for £22m, the rest of the league guffawed at the folly.

Story of the season – (see the Rub for the season)

Manager of the Month 2006-07 — Green: Manager of the Month, Red: Turkey of the Month

The Portuguese went on to enjoy a three-season reign of majestic dominance in the Kenna, and helped FC Gun Show become the second ever manager to win the league.

His three star players aside, only one other of the FC Gun Show manager’s original eleven chalked up over 100 points – Stewart Downing.

Thieving Magpies came second, although at the time their inability to do better was touted as further evidence that Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard can’t ‘dovetail’ in midfield.

Defending champions Vasco De Beauvoir could only muster third place, but were consoled by winning the inaugural Canesten Combi Cup competition, beating 120 Checkout in the final by 34 points to 19.

The Kenna’s first ever female manager bumped right into the glass ceiling. Building a team around Ricardo Vaz Te was held at fault, rather than gender issues.

Every manager learnt two important lessons that August night in Fitzrovia: no one wins the Kenna buying players they like and the One Tun is not a good auction venue.

They also discovered that the Kidderminster Harriers squad possessed more Premier League winners medals (one) than the Liverpool squad. And so the Stuart Watkiss League was renamed to become the Jeff Kenna.

Final league table

Kenna League - final standings 2006-07 — Kenna League – final standings 2006-07

Highest scorers

1	C Ronaldo	247	£22m	FC Gun Show
2	W Rooney	236	£34m	Fat Ladies
3	F Lampard	215	£18m	Thieving Magpies
4	D Berbatov	211	£18m	FC Gun Show
5	D Drogba	199	£5m	FC Gun Show

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Game of arrows

Dart board — More pricks than a second hand dartboard: Kenna membership is at record levels

IN MEMORY of legendary sports commentator Sid Waddell each manager has selected their own ‘darts music’.

From the sea shanty of Spartak Mogadishu to the FC Testiculadew ACDC classic, the leitmotifs are choices for the entrance music managers would have into the competitive arena of professional darts, where Sid plied his so eloquent trade.

“Nothing could show more athletic intent than a slightly overweight, middle-aged man awkwardly walking into a room full of delirious drunks to a floor filler,” said the Chairman, quietly impressed by Simon ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Whitlock’s entourage.

After the Fabio affair there were murmurs that the league administration were about as much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit, but Kenna HQ have utterly redeemed themselves by introducing arrows to the table to show movement from week to week.

The Kenna Pump

£38m Wayne Rooney faces a month on the sidelines with injury. “We’re not in crisis, we’ve still got Gervinho,” said the manager of crisis club Greendale Rockets.
£21m Clint Dempsey was left out of action again on the weekend. “He’s lost his head,” said the Headless Chickens boss.
£4.5m winger Adam Johnson might actually play a game this season after moving to Wearside. “I bought Glenn Johnson too, surely one of them will do something,” said the Piedmonte manager.
£3m former Bramble player Angel Rangel looks like one of the buys of the season. “I only signed him so I could say his name all the time,” chortled the Newington Reds gaffer.

Kenna table

Week 2 - 28 August 2012 — Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Newington Reds	Dudley	51	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	43	3
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	36	1
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	34	2
6	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	32	3
7	Piedmonte	Phil	30	2
8	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	27	2
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	2
10	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	24	1
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	2
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	18	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	16	0
17	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	15	0
19	Woking	Mike	10	0
20	Bala Rinas	Lewis	8	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Hazard, E – CHE – MID
		Club	Hairy Fadjeetas

Greendale Rockets

Manager: Stu (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @sfinch100

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Wolves

Darts music: I was made for lovin’ you – Kiss

Outlook: The £38m swoop for Rooney shows intent, even if the £6.5m deal for SWP and Gervinho looks like what the ingrained Kenna manager may regard as a schoolboy error. Dodgy foreheads aside, the rest of the Rockets starting line up looks like a few points. Cup run?

No Brambles

Boruc, A	SOT	£0.5m
Zabaleta, P	MCY	£7m
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£4.5m
Cuellar, C	SUN	£0.5m
Williamson, M	NEW	£4m
The Ox	ARS	£5m
Gera, Z	WBA	£0.5m
Coutinho, P	LIV	£20m
Lennon, A	TOT	£8.5m
Rooney, W	MUN	£38m
Becchio, L	NOR	£2m
	Total	£90.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Reina, P	LIV	£16m	Boruc, A	SOT	£0.5m
Clark, C	AVL	£2m	Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£4.5m
Bertrand, R	CHE	£8m	Cuellar, C	SUN	£0.5m
Taylor, M	WHM	£3.5m	The Ox	ARS	£5m
Kightly, M	STO	£5m	Coutinho, P	LIV	£20m
Gervinho	ARS	£0.5m	Becchio, L	NOR	£2m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Taylor, N	SWA	£0.5m	Clark, C	AVL	£2m
Dunne, R	AVL	£3.5m	Bertrand, R	CHE	£8m
W-Phillips, S	QPR	£6m	Taylor, M	WHM	£3.5m
Miereles, R	FEN	£6m	Gera, Z	WBA	£0.5m

Premier League auction to be tweeted live

Director of Wry Tweets — Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo

FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.

Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.

Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.

“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.

Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.

In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.

“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.

The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.

Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:

The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:

Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):

Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:

Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart

George Bush gets down — “No, no, no, that’s wrong. This is how you ask for marajuana in Coldharbour Lane.”

LIKE KING Kenny’s chances of being down with the kids of Brixton, the season is well and truly over.

To complement January’s big mid-season review, the Kenna has added the second half’s performance chart to the mix (below).

Back in early January, Lokomotiv Leeds had enjoyed a prosperous Christmas and dislodged FC Testiculadew from the top of the table.

FCT’s response was emphatic.

Producing what will probably turn out to be one of the highest-scoring months in Kenna history, Wayne Rooney & co were so rampant for the first four weeks of the calendar year that their manager wasn’t even inclined to attend the February transfer window.

Having lost Yaya Touré to the battlefields of Africa, Lokomotiv’s form nosedived in January and February, leaving FCT to sail over the line.

Meanwhile at the other end, Polonia Forsyth didn’t exceed average performance for the entire season.

Lurliners, Vasco De Beauvoir and the Dan Terry Seduction almost joined them.

So what does the aristocrat of Match of the Day punditry make of all this?

“Pace. Power. Determination. FC Testiculadew have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…”

We’re sure Alan will be back to provide some more insightful analysis in the near future.

Alan Hansen's coloured performance chart 2011-12 — Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart 2011-12

FC Testiculadew scoop double on debut

Jolly Roger: The Spartak Mogaishu had plenty to smile about after coming from behind to take fifth

EDIN Dzeko and Wayne Rooney both netted on the last day of the season to help FC Testiculadew win a historic double.

In his debut Kenna season, the FCT manager picked up the Cannestan Combi Cup on the final day, sweeping aside sibling rival the Headless Chickens boss.

FCT added the cup to their league title, where their dominance and the rest of the table’s complete capitulation led to an official inquiry being opened.

“It’s an itch I’ve been dying to scratch since Christmas. The feeling when you win the Kenna, it’s pretty special, like the smell of mown grass on a spring day or finding a cream that can really alleviate the symptoms,” said a jubilant FCT manager, who’ll scoop a combined prize total of £190, without counting manager of the month awards.

The Lokomotiv Leeds manager, another debutant and the only serious challenger to FCT, took second place 119 points behind.

“The £57 prize will go a long way towards rejuvenating the squad over the summer,” said the Leeds manager, who looks unlikely to be able to retain the services of Victor Moses for the £3m he paid last summer.

Kenna veteran the Newington Reds manager came third, winning £19.

Defending Kenna champion the Young Boys of Kilburn gaffer finished fourth.

FCT become the second club in history to take the double. The only other club to achieve that feat, Vasco De Beauvoir, finished the season just one place above relegation.

The managers of the Dan Terry Seduction, Thieving Magpies and Polonia Forsyth all collected their P45s.

“In the end the league got a little predictable, but in many ways this was a fantastic season. Special mention has to the go to the Spartak Mogadishu manager. It all looked lost back in October when he picked up Turkey of the Month, but he’s finished the season just outside the top four – remarkable considering his haphazard bidding technique,” said the Chairman to the gathered masses from the balcony of Kenna HQ.

Everyone else finished mid-table.

January to May’s manager of the month awards, player of the week tallies and Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart will be published later in the week, to go with the stats from the first half of the season.

Weekly scores - 15 May 2012 — Weekly scores – 15 May 2012