THE controversial transfer of one of the world’s biggest footballing superstars for a mere £7.5m has shone a light on the murky workings of the Kenna, according to inside sources.
Neymar – the Brazilian poster child of World Cup 2014 – was originally sold to the Where’s Neymar? manager for a staggering £75m at last night’s Emerson World Cup auction, but was later returned to the auctioneer’s list after the same manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling.
But eyebrows were raised when it became clear that only two managers were still eligible to bid for the playmaker, who bagged a brace in the World Cup curtain raiser against Croatia. One of those managers was the Kenna chairman.
“It just seems a bit strange that almost at the end of the auction, Neymar is returned to the pot and the chairman is straight in there bidding away with a war chest close to fifty big ones,” said a source close to the Kenna camp.
And in a further development, investigations have shown that the Where’s Neymar manager – whose error led to Neymar being returned to the eligible player list to the chairman’s benefit – has not paid his subscription.
The Chairman was unavailable for comment.
In further controversy, the chairman is also rumoured to have tried to cover up a Titus Bramble forfeit when he illegally bought a second German, Marco Reus.
Accusations of ‘this isn’t FIFA’ led to the chairman admitting his error and losing Mario Gotze on a Bramble.
Despite assurances from the chairman that the Clerkenwell site is fully functional, it’s believed that work is not complete. According to witnesses naked power cables are visible in the tap room, Billy the Singing Fish is still without batteries and the promised Dyson Airblade has yet to make an appearance in the gents.
But it is the soft furnishings that will most alarm managers who are due to descend on the purpose built public house in 24 hours time. Threadbare cushions, beer stained chair covers and cigarette burns – long thought to be a thing of the past in an English establishment – litter the carpet.
Speaking to reporters outside Kenna HQ and wearing an off-the-peg Armani suit, the chairman said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Every penny available has been spent on securing the most fit-for-purpose venue for the World Cup auction.
“I’m confident that our choice represents the ideals of the Kenna as well as money well spent – every last penny if you’re taking notes.”
WHAT was Theo Walcott doing at the 2006 World Cup in Germany?
Ahead of the tournament, blind English optimists saw his inclusion in the squad as an exciting commitment to their country’s long-term footballing ambitions.
But when star striker Michael Owen collapsed injured in the second minute of England’s final group game against Sweden, the 17-year-old Arsenal winger went unused, as he did for the rest of tournament.
In the wake of recent scandal, the decision of then England manager Sven Goran-Eriksson to take a teenage boy on a three-week summer trip to the Continent now looks like some sort of a pre-Yewtree indulgence.
In reality, for every top scorer and penalty hero the World Cup there is a multitude of cover: unused substitutes, young players out to get a bit of experience and dogeared veterans who rarely get a run out for their national side anymore.
So in the build up to proceedings in Brazil, as squads are pored over and likely starting line ups are discussed in cafés and bars from South America to South London, everyone will be looking for the shining stars.
But what of those making the least impact?
Of the 736 footballers who have travelled to the Amazon Basin, a 23-man squad is published today of what is hoped are the most goal-shy benchwarmers ‘on the plane’.
Made up of those least likely to impress themselves on matters in Brazil, the ‘Titus Bramble squad’ includes three goalkeepers, eight defenders, seven midfielders and five strikers from the top 23 FIFA-ranked countries at the tournament.
The casual observer may be wondering why the outright worst 23 players at the tournament were not selected. Firstly, it was felt that over the last few weeks there has been more than enough criticism of the Australia squad.
With a £100m budget and a quota of one footballer per country, each manager will be keen to secure the services of the best players and give themselves a shot at Emerson glory.
With five points for a goal, three for an assist and two for starting a match, first-choice strikers, attacking midfielders and wing backs overlapping up the flanks will all come at a premium. Though honourable, the ‘Claude Makalele role’ is not desirable at this level.
And with defenders and goalkeepers getting four points for a clean sheet and goalies five for a penalty save, managers will be looking to avoid taking valuable spaces with full backs and centre backs who don’t get forward.
Any manager going over budget or found to have bought more than one player from a certain country will trigger the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.
Either their most expensive or their illegal player will be removed and replaced with a bogey man from the Bramble line up below.
A high-intensity auction pace on licensed premises ensures at least a handful of managers always fall foul.
Follow the Emerson World Cup auction on a live blog on KennaLeague.com on Thursday from 6.30pm British Summer Time.
Victor (Brazil, 6 caps, aged 31) – may have been the best goalkeeper in the Copa Libertadores in 2013, but still behind Cesar and Jefferson in the pecking order.
Agustin Orion (Argentina, 3 caps, aged 32) – if Sergio Romero gets stretchered off, Mariano Andujar will take the gloves.
Defenders
Matthias Ginter (Germany, 2 caps, aged 20) – young Master Ginter will do well to get picked above Hummels and Mertesacker.
Jose Maria Giminez (Uruguay, 6 caps, aged 19) – in a settled Uruguay outfit, the young Real Madrid centre back looks to be along for the experience.
Philipe Senderos (Switzerland, 53 caps, aged 29) – a full member of the Arsene Wenger dodgy centre back signing club, Senderos is likely to start on the bench.
Timothy Chandler (USA, 12 caps, aged 24) – this defender is most notable for his resemblance to Rob Earnshaw, according to his wikipedia page.
Lucas Digne (France, 2 caps, aged 20) – while it’s likely Patrice Evra, Mathieu Debuchy, Raphael Varane and Laurent Koscielny decide to down tools, the French camp would be in such familiar disarray, Digne would struggle to make an impact.
Constant Djakpa (Cote D’Ivoire, 3 caps, aged 26) – constant hopes one of the preferred centre back pairing gets a snapped hamstring and he gets a chance to add to his three appearances since 2007.
Laurent Ciman (Belgium, 8 caps, aged 28) – Daniel van Buyten is the obvious replacement if any of a strong back four come off.
Oscar Bagui (Ecuador, 21 caps, aged 31) – has not made an appearance for his country since 2010, but continues to be called up.
Midfielders
Alexander Mejia (Colombia, 8 caps, aged 25) – the young Colombian has the tournament’s smallest Wikipedia page and Colombia’s smallest chance of getting in above a wealth of attacking talent.
Marco Parolo (Italy, 4 caps, aged 29) – four appearances in three years for Italy smells like bench warming.
Frank Lampard (England, 105 caps, aged 35) – every England fan will be hoping not to get overrun in yet another knockout match while Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard look at each other across the pitch like they’ve never met before.
Jean Beausejour (Chile, 59 caps, aged 30) – as ever Chile have an exciting team, and as ever the Wigan Athletic lefty isn’t expecting to start matches.
Jose Juan Vazquez (Mexico, 5 caps, aged 26) – known as El Gallo (The Rooster), he certainly isn’t the favoured cock in the defensive midfield position.
Sammir (Croatia, 5 caps, aged 26) – Brazilian who found a Croatian passport. When he was first called up to the national side some Croat players resigned in protest. Funny really, because it’s not like they’ve got form for racism.
Tino Sven-Susic (Bosnia, 2 caps, aged 22) – surely there are murmurs Tino only got selected because his uncle Safet is the national coach.
Strikers
Eder (Portugal, 7 caps, aged 26) – second string striker once went AWOL for club Academia and suspended.
Theofanis Gekas (Greece, 70 caps, aged 34) – out-of-form, ageing striker in the tournament’s most goal-shy team.
Memphis Depay (Netherlands, 6 caps, aged 20) – Robin van Persie, Arjen Robben and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar are all favoured over this young left winger.
Maksim Kanunnikov (Russia, 2 caps, aged 22) – has never scored in a Russia shirt.
El Arbi Hillel Soudani (Algeria, 22 caps, aged 26) – the third-choice striker in a lone front man set up.
Wesley Sneijder scores another ‘goal’ for Nelson’s Column during the the Dr Khumalo 2010 World Cup (photo: LizNN7)
THE 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup runner up says he is out to ‘settle old scores’ at this summer’s tournament in Brazil, which starts next week.
South Afrikaans Are Racist Santander narrowly missed out on the top spot four years ago after a FIFA technical study group controversially awarded two goals to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder.
The notches helped the Nelson’s Column manager, who is also chairman of the Kenna League, win the Dr Khumalo World Cup and become the first in history to win a Kenna league and cup domestic double and international tournament in the same year.
“I’ve got a score to settle, there’s no doubt about,” said the SAARS boss in a press conference ahead of next Thursday’s Emerson World Cup auction.
“With Gonzalo Higuaín, Mesut Özil and Carlos Puyol on fire in 2010, I fully deserved to win that trophy. The chairman’s only decent signing was Iker Casillas in goal. The rest of the side were an utter shower, and the authorities should never have allowed those Wesley Sneijder ‘goals’,” he said, holding both hands at head height and slowly curling his index fingers twice.
Many at the time agreed with this assessment. Victory for Nelson’s Column had appeared unimaginable after the 2010 pre-tournament auction, held in the Edgar Wallace just off the Strand, when the chairman ended up with a strike partnership of Angelos Charisteas and The Yak.
But Nelson’s Column went on to win the World Cup by five points in a nail biting contest.
Managers will use their £100m war chest to buy 11 players in a tried-and-tested-at-international-level 4-4-2 formation, while adhering to the quota of one player per nationality.
Any side found to have exceeded the nationality quota or going over budget will be subjected to the draconian Titus Bramble forfeit. Their most desirable player will be removed and replaced with a bogey footballer.
The 23-man Titus Bramble squad, made up of players least likely to make an impact from the top 23-ranked countries, is due to be announced early next week.
Sources close to organisers say Frank Lampard, Phillipe Senderos and reserve Spain goalkeeper and hanger-on-party-guy Pepe Reina are among those set to feature.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through
Venue menu snafu: As it stands, the Union Tavern is not ready for the Emerson World Cup auction (photo: Ian Alexander Martin)
THE date is set, squads are being announced and managers are scratching their heads to think of amusing team names.
But with two weeks to go until the hammer goes down on the first player at the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction, the venue is still not ready.
The Union Tavern on Lloyd Baker Street, Clerkenwell, was selected to host the Emerson auction for its roomy upstairs bar, impressive range of premium lagers and gastropub food offer.
The Victorian architecture was viewed as an excellent setting for managers to spend the four-hour auction buying their 11 players for the tournament, and enjoy the opening match between Brazil and Croatia.
Instead arrangements have been thrown into disarray when it emerged during a spot inspection from Emerson officials this week that the pub food menu has not yet been decided.
The landlord said dishes will not be confirmed until at least 10 days before the auction.
The revelations will be yet more egg on the face of organisers, although they were unable to say how that egg would be cooked and with what it would be served, if at all.
For managers trying to Skype into the second transfer window in February, this fresh display of ineptitude from league authorities will come as no surprise. The broken promise of wifi in The Enterprise in Holborn as they tried to buy players from the Alps is still a painful memory.
“There will be at least 15 people turning up in the evening who won’t have eaten since lunchtime, and as we stand they don’t know whether they can order pappardelle pasta with New Forest mushrooms, rocket, parmesan & truffle oil or lamb rump, sweet potato purée, caramelised shallots, minted peas & jus.
“Kenna HQ? More like Clusterf*ck HQ. It’s an utter disaster.”
In the face of criticism, the chairman remained confident the situation would be resolved and urged people ‘don’t pay attention to the prawn sandwich brigade’.
“Whatever’s on the menu, we know from previous events that any self-respecting manager will opt for a Cornish pasty on the way to the pub followed by several pints and a traditional ‘crisp buffet’ if someone decides to buy three bags of Phileas Fogg to open up on the table,” he shrugged.
EMERSON World Cup organisers have admitted funny fantasy football team names will be harder to come by this summer than previous tournaments, and launched an appeal for ideas.
“We’ve had our top minds putting their heads together for the last three days and the best they’ve come up with is ‘Copa Lallana’, ‘Kappa-Wearers’ and ‘Just Like Watching Alan Brazil’. It’s a bit embarrassing really,” lamented the chairman.
Other names to come out of the Emerson think tank include: ‘Christopher Samba School’, ‘Man or Manaus’, ‘Rio de Mistrugstessed’ and ‘Just Like Watching Savile’ – the last a reference to the childhood innocence of many Emerson managers in the 1980s.
“Two years ago Poland and Ukraine had the social shortcomings and unfortunate 20th Century history which meant inappropriate team names were easy to come by,” reminisced the chairman. “And the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, well, I can tell you our lawyers are very happy those weren’t published online.”
The admission has led to fears the Emerson will simply not be as irreverent as previous tournaments.
The chairman this morning launched an appeal for anyone with a sense of humour to come forward with team names ahead of the Emerson auction, which is scheduled to take place in a London pub on Thursday 12 June, the evening of the opening game.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through.
Rare sticker: In an 18-year career, Emerson never made more than 86 appearances for a single club
DODGY hair and Brazilian flair in the most unlikely of places are what most people recalled when former Middlesbrough midfielder Emerson was announced last week as the figurehead of this summer’s fantasy World Cup contest, but what is really remembered of the 1990s powerhouse on Teesside?
In this fascinating insight, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager recounts life in the smog during those sledgehammer strikes and unusual nightlife habits:
It was 1996. Heady days. Gina G was riding high in the charts, Tony Blair was seen as the potential saviour of the country rather than a warmongering poodle with a taste for Far Eastern women, and, at Middlesbrough’s Rockcliffe Park training complex, Bryan Robson was busy plotting how to build a side which could lose two cup finals and get relegated in a single season.
Already the pieces were beginning to fall into place. In Chris Morris he had the heir to a successful Cornish pasty making dynasty, in Nick Barmby the world’s most unlikely gambling addict, and in Juninho he had signed, pound-for-pound, the best player in the league.
But he needed something more. His Brazilian star playmaker’s problem of not being able to see over the ball and being blown off course by a gust of wind from the wings of a passing butterfly, meant he needed to strengthen his midfield.
Swigging gently from his ninth can of Carling (admittedly it had been a slow day, he had yet to sign Paul Merson) Robson believed he had come up with a solution.
Emerson – a man with all the flair, touch, passing ability, and shooting technique of his diminutive fellow Brazilian, but actually human size. Prizing him away from from his former England manager at Porto should have been an near impossible task if it wasn’t for Bobby Robson’s already advancing dementia, similarities in surname, and the corrupt nature of Iberian administrative staff.
Soon everybody knew that there was a new force on Teesside (except for Bobby Robson, who only found out that Emerson had left two weeks later during a conversation with the kit man about how he’d parked his Seat Leon 10 days ago and had been unable to find it since).
Emerson had the two ingredients necessary to be a foreign star in the Premiership in the 1990s – unlike domestic players he could control the ball in less than three touches and he absolutely despised the club and area where he was contracted to play. But having grown up on the beaches of Rio de Janeiro there was one thing that attracted him to Teesside – the resort town of Redcar.
The similarities may not be obvious, where Rio has Christ the Redeemer, Redcar has one of the world’s largest blast furnaces. While crowds flock to the Brazilian city’s famous beaches, the biggest petrochemical complex in western Europe largely drives away the tourist trade from the Teesside town’s sands.
Emerson, though, had a taste for slightly different delights. He was a creature of the night, and when it came to clubs and pubs Redcar could hold its own with any international rival. You want to see people dancing in cages? Head to Sharky’s. Triple vodka and coke for £1.80? That’ll be Leo’s. Want to try supping your pint whilst starring at the floor because if you look up you’re guaranteed to get punched? It’s The Hyrdo.
But it wasn’t even one of the three corners of Redcar’s legendary ‘Triangle of Death’ that attracted Emerson. He preferred the unique ambiance of Klub Kudos, a sparkling gem of night spot that insisted on the best of everything except for music, hygiene, and effectively checking people’s date of birth at the door.
Emerson loved Kudos so much he had his own special room there, and what went on inside is a matter between him and the members of Operation Yewtree.
That no action was taken at the time is probably down to the long standing incompetence of Cleveland Police and the fact that if you score against Sunderland in back-to-back seasons people on Teesside will forgive most things.
Juninho on the other hand settled for a few drinks at Guisborough Quoit Club (sadly, now a shadow of its former self) and went on to win the World Cup. A salutary lesson perhaps for any budding young footballers.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through
Silky: Emerson appeared for 14 professional football clubs in an 18-year career
LONDON’S best pub-based fantasy football World Cup competition will be named after former Middlesbrough Brazilian flop Emerson, it was announced today.
Best remembered in England for his two-season stint on Teeside in the 1990s, Emerson’s unfulfilled potential, meandering CV, failure to appear for his national side and dodgy haircut were key factors in the Kenna HQ committee’s decision to make him the contest’s figurehead.
For the first time the traditional auction will be held on the opening day of the tournament, Thursday 12 June. The match between Brazil and Croatia will kick off halfway through an auction experts predict will last around five hours.
“The 2014 Emerson World Cup auction will be a continuous, high intensity affair that will test managers’ skills to the very limit,” enthused the chairman.
As with the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup in South Africa before it, the Emerson will limit managers to buying no more than one player of any nationality.
Managers will also be required to set their teams out in a rigid 4-4-2 formation, a proven formula at international level.
The Emerson winner will receive an estimated £150 cash prize, with the two runners up also getting their mitts on some dosh.
In a move away from previous international tournaments, there will be no prize for the best individual player. Instead a radical new system will see the team with the worst disciplinary record winning the Emerson Unfair Play award. It is hoped the award will keep wider interest further into the competition.
In unrelated news, the official partner of the 2014 Emerson World Cup has been confirmed as Soul Glo – a Jheri Curl product: Let Your Soul Shine Through.
Sacked: the Seduction boss arrives at Liverpool Crown Court
LONG. Hard. Ending with a gooey substance on the face.
For two other managers, the Polonia Forsyth boss’s experiences echo the Kenna season.
Guaranteeing her place in the relegation zone with one week left to go, the Polonia boss faces being blackballed by the club board – a term she previously associated with an alternative warm-up exercise developed with Mario Balotelli.
Sadly, unless the ‘madcap’ Italian produces the performance of his life this weekend, the Polonia gaffer faces a similar fate to the Thieving Magpies manager.
The August titular fiasco perhaps a sign of the calamity to come, a summons to the Rochdale grooming trial has made the Seduction manager’s position untenable.
“But I didn’t know they wanted the pills for that,” he pleaded.
Meanwhile, FC Testiculadew march on towards their first Kenna league title.
FCT need to score 65 points this week to break the most-points-scored-in-a-season record, set by Vasco De Beauvoir in the inaugural Kenna 2005/06 season.
They could also scoop the second ever Kenna double by beating Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens in the Cannestan Combi Cup final on Sunday.
Vasco De Beauvoir won the first ever double in the 2009/10 season, before their manager went on to lift the 2010 Khumalo World Cup.
A preview of the cup final will be published later in the week.
